Moms- how much do you feel like you’re missing out on things you used to do without any constraints (eg partying, last min travel)? I’m starting to think about kids but get crippling anxiety when I think about losing the freedom to do this stuff.

My husband just says “you’ll feel differently, you won’t want to do those things as much, you’ll want to be with the kid” but that’s easy for him to say based on nothing.

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To be honest I dont feel I am missing out on that much. I didnt party much before so that aspect I dont miss, and short term travel I dont think changed too much. Kids are fairly flexible, just what you do when you travel might need to change. I feel a couple of my friends without kids didnt seem to want to meet up with me anymore, but the good friends (with and without kids) stuck around.

That being said, what I do miss is quality alone time and one on one time with my partner. But that's probably unique to my situation as we have no grandparents/relatives to help out nearby.

On the flipside so many new things opened up! Seeing things e.g. animals, nature, new experiences through the eyes of my kid is honestly just so much fun and I dont regret anything.

I think it is good and healthy to think hard and be cautious before making huge decisions! It is a massive life change, but I think if you choose to see positives, having children is an extremely rewarding experience. Hope that helps!

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Thank you, super helpful perspective! I hadn’t thought about the new things (or old things new again) like animals, crafts etc.

Also hadn’t really thought about kids being flexible but it’s a good fresh perspective. I realized I’m hung up on “partying” as a category because it’s something you categorically cannot bring kids along for (kind of like your quiet time to read!).

That stuff is easy- you can get a sitter or work it out with your partner. I do miss spontaneity in general. The biggest stuff is the stuff you don’t know- what would you have time for if you didn’t have kids? What could you create? What you could discover? What person will you be? Being a mom changed the person I am - there is stuff I’m doing, creating, how I am inhibiting the world that is different because I have a child. You will never know what the other path will look like. You have to get comfortable with that or will live with regret (either way).

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I feel like I’m missing out on zero!

The only thing I’m missing is going out to eat, but obviously due to the pandemic. I miss brunch 😩

We travel all the time with my little guy. Before I even returned from maternity leave he had already been on 6 flights.

They are your sidekick. And taking them on vacations is so much fun. Seeing life through their eyes is a new kind of exciting.

And babysitters or a nanny. If we go on vacation without my family we always get a babysitter a couple nights to go out.

And we typically get a babysitter a few nights a month to go out. But we also do a lot of kid friendly things like brunch and breweries with friends (pre covid of course)!

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Being locked down, we and our kids have realized a few things.

1) our friend/grandparent network is incredibly valuable to the kids and us. They usually took the kids one weekend a month and we all need that.
2) kids love time away from parents when it’s short and fun, it’s totally healthy to have adult time, some parents even go on vacation separately (we were planning a week in Europe before corona)
3) kids do add a fun component but they are a long term commitment. If you want to live your life around them, totally have them. If not, it may be enough to be a fun “aunt/uncle” to your friends and family kids. I know plenty of people that would rather be that kind of role model and I love the perspective they bring for our kids. You don’t NEED to have kids, regardless of what some people say. That said, I enjoy mine and always knew I wanted to be a parent in my own way. I’m there now and it’s overall pretty awesome. A shit ton of work though.

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I grew up in a different culture where my mom wasnt always around me all day and my brothers and I grew into succesful and independent people. I don't think the mom has to give up everything to be a good mom

You should probably speak to a neutral third party whether it’s a therapist, mentor/advisor, etc. This may help you work through your anxiety on the issue and bring some clarity for you. Your feelings are valid. You are human.

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Thank you!! Good idea - and highlights the need for female mentors! I’ve discussed a bit with male mentors and their response is always “it’s the best, go for it now!”, but it’s really hard to take that seriously when they say it drunk at a bar every week while their wives are home with the kids.

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We do what OW1 mentioned - where we as partners make time for ourselves as a couple and for each other. We go on weekly date nights, go to breweries with the kid often, and make time for each other to do whatever we need (sleep extra, go out with friends, go out alone, sit in our room watching netflix, whatever). You have to work at it but its definitely possible.
On the other hand i have a friend whose husband has never been alone w their kids for more than a few hours & they are 4 yrs old. So get real with your partner about expectations cause you do not want that life....

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The book “the baby decision” is a good resource that explains the types of things you “give up” with each decision- to have children, or to not have children. I found it helpful & insightful to reduce some of the anxiety

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I miss some things like being able to sit and read or go out last min late at night but really Day to day I’m so much happier with kids than without. Most things that you want to do that they don’t fit into you can easily plan around

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I used to feel the same (don’t have kids yet but trying) but life has changed so much from my 26 year old days when I was partying and constantly traveling. I’m 33 and most of my friends have kids and we just don’t travel or go out as much however my friends bring their kids places all the time (beach. Louisville to the bourbon trail)

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Don't have kids but see my friends handle this in very varying ways.

For some, everything becomes family time and they basically refuse to split up and have one partner stay home so the other can go have adult-only fun.

Sometimes the woman is always with the kid while the guy still goes out (never seen it the other way round).

For others it isn't such a disruption because they make plans such as "you get the kids ready in the early morning while I catch up on sleep, I'll have them in the afternoon, Thursday night you are free to do whatever and Friday we switch, rest of the nights we spend together"

Also, some (few luckily!) of my friends with kids distanced themselves because they say we don't "get them" anymore and that spending time with other families is better because the kids run off to play and you don't have to give them attention all the time. It's ok, my interest in friendships that revolve 100% around parental roles is very limited anyway ;-)

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The stuff I wanted to do shifted. My body was less excited about partying the way I did in my early 20s (a trajectory that continues). But I still get together with friends for drinks. My husband and I each get out and hang out with friends and we usually take a full day each month to go do something together without kids. I think I get put more than he does but he’s a homebody. Every Saturday I go out for a long bike ride with my two besties and have lunch. It’s great!

Our travel has changed but it is so fun to show her the world— if it is a few hours away in the car or if we get on a plane. When she was 5, we left her with my parents for 2 weeks and went to Italy. Everyone had a ton of fun.

Having kids is what you make of it. If you go in thinking your life is over or that your life won’t have to change, you’ll be miserable. If you go in knowing it’s going to change but rolling with it, you’ll be fine.

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