{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Mothers, how do you keep your life going / live your life for yourself without having all your time sucked up by work and kids? I grew up with a doting stay-at-home mom, so I don’t have many examples of what balanced motherhood looks like. Also, it seems like American society erases your entire identity as a human being beyond “mom” once you have a kid, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Thinking of having kids someday, but worried I’m too selfish to go for it.", "post_id": "60ac1937f0e7c4002f51386c", "reply_count": 5, "vote_count": 7, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting" }

Mothers, how do you keep your life going / live your life for yourself without having all your time sucked up by work and kids? I grew up with a doting stay-at-home mom, so I don’t have many examples of what balanced motherhood looks like. Also, it seems like American society erases your entire identity as a human being beyond “mom” once you have a kid, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Thinking of having kids someday, but worried I’m too selfish to go for it.

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My husband and I work SO HARD to keep our identities / make time for each other and ourselves. We know people who have two years olds who have literally never gone on a date since having the baby. On the other hand, after having our first kid we each took one day a week to ourselves after work. Go to a bar, a café, out with friends, whatever. We would also go on at least one date night a week just the two of us. We would also take the kids with us to a brewery or wherever we wanted to go one or two nights a week. We made sure to call our friends and make plans with them and not only talk about the kid. Having a partner who is 100% invested and does everything that they should makes all the difference. It’s still hard, there’s no way for society to not look at you as a mother, but it’s really great when you make other mom friends and you make efforts together as well to be more than just mom to each other. 

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Hopefully by asking that question to fathers. The more we expect fathers to be equal parents the less there are questions and worries like this for us.

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I’m a woman and I’ve seen many fathers do this, but normally they’re older and have a wife doing less at work and more at home. That’s why I’m asking my peers here

I prioritize, balance, delegate, and ask for help just like one does with everything else in life. I have things I do for myself, for my family and for work. On any given day, one could be the most important but overtime I make sure it is balanced. Sometimes I don’t get it right and make mistakes, but I just fix them the next day. Sometimes I need more help, so ask for it. Overtime, everyone gets better, and it gets easier in a way. Quality not quantity.

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I think you need to reframe what motherhood is for you, this “ideal” of giving up self for a child is a newer concept and actually isn’t good for children. I just ready nurture shock, and how to raise an adult. Both go on about how independence is good for children the “doting” helicopter parents don’t raise adults. I am going into my motherhood change realizing I am still me. Its going to be tough but I am not going to give 110% to my job and then another 110% to my children you can’t pour from an empty cup.

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