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OP, I'm sorry for the unexpected news and the challenges surrounding your feelings. While I know you're looking for comfort from this anonymous pool of badass women, it's really hard for any one of our frameworks to really suit you and your partner without knowing more about your mental health, financial security, family support, and relationship with your spouse.
With those caveats, I'll say that even with "planned" pregnancies, these feelings can still be pretty normal. Careers can be tiring and taking on a kid on top of that is no joke! But if you did one day want kids, then this could be an unplanned trigger for you to still achieve your life goals in a different way than maybe you anticipated.
I had my first kid at 27, traveling all the time and while my husband was in business school and going through his critical internship, it was CHAOS but it made us work differently (more effectively). And now at 30 - we've both had a couple of big promotions with an awesome kid with us. We splurge on date nights, hire babysitters, and ignore the parental guilt to prioritize our relationship. When we're with our kid, we attempt to be 100% present - he's our little sidekick and we feel like he's an equal voice in our family, we're totally obsessed. It has worked out well and looking back I feel lucky that having a child helped with this clarity.
OP, if you’re looking to converse with a married 30-something who had a surprise COVID positive pregnancy test while using protection and really wants a child one day... I made a different choice than the majority of commenters here are advising. Feel free to DM if you want to chat about my experience.
Everyone else, please spare me your judgments, I’ve cried and judged myself enough already. While the choice was right for us it was not easy or without emotions. I’ve not shared with anyone else in my life after my pro-choice best friend blasted me and lectured me about my “fuck up” in becoming pregnant when I was at a most vulnerable moment emotionally. I’m not here to take anymore of that. Just want to support OP in convo if she desires as I did not have that female support in my life and it was hard. My husband was wonderful beyond words but sometimes speaking to a woman about something so innately feminine provides a comfort not found even with the most insanely supportive male partner.
D1 C1 BCG2 thank you so much for the words of kindness. They mean more than you know ❤️
My situation is extremely similar to yours - I found out at 30 that I was pregnant (unplanned). My husband and I had thought maybe one day we would be ready, but the timing came as a complete surprise. We ultimately decided together that I would not get an abortion (which we are not against). To be honest, I was in a state of shock and ambivalence for months. On top of this, I felt extreme guilt knowing that several of my close friends wanted nothing more than to be a mother and struggled to conceive..meanwhile I had an unplanned pregnancy that I struggled to be excited about. Ultimately I realized that I needed to fully embrace my decision. I now have a 1.5 year old that I cannot fathom living without. This is not a suggestion for you either way: just a data point. I am sure that whatever you decide will be the right decision for you. 💜
Congrats!! Not much to offer except that I’m mid 20s (very unmarried), very burnt out, and worry about this exact same thing. Hugs - you’re not alone in this thinking at all!
Why would you say congrats when OP just said they aren’t happy?
Rising Star
I’m in my mid 30s, married for 7 years. This weekend I peed on a stick because I felt sick (I’m on birth control) and I was NOT having a great time. I wasn’t pregnant but I wouldn’t have kept the child.
I have known for ever that I didn’t want children. I don’t have the warm fuzzy feels around children, I don’t want to bring children in an overpopulated polluted and fucked up world, I feel that my career, husband, friends make me happy and I don’t want to change the balance in my life.
A child is a huge commitment not only in time and money but you could be bringing a human to the world who you will be responsible to raise and set on track for a fulfilled happy life.
Way too much responsibilities.
McK we would be friends. I feel the exact same way.
Hey op, I’m sorry you’re feeling scared. I can definitely imagine feeling the same in your shoes. Honestly though, there’s never a perfect time to have kids, and maybe this is the start of something amazing for you and your husband since y’all had already hoped for a family someday. I say take it easy, rest & take care of yourself for a few days to give yourself some time to think and process the shock. What’s your husband’s initial reaction?
💜
I just want to say thank you to each one of you for sharing your stories/opinions. Your responses helped me to accept all the feelings and worries I'm going through. I made a decision that I'm feeling in peace with. Thank you again for taking the time to respond so sincerely. Stay safe!
Rising Star
Stay strong OP. Whatever you end up doing your SO supports you and we all support you. ❤️
Chief
Parents will tell you "oh you'll never be totally ready!" And maybe that's true but with coronavirus and all that's going on...maybe the time is not right and you can listen to that. Can always have sex again.
It often isn’t that simple 😕 but I get what you’re trying to say
So I always knew I never wanted children. Love other people’s kids and love returning them. :)
I have friends that had unplanned pregnancies while they were married - like you. Some went ahead with the pregnancy - they were scared, felt not ready but ultimately decided to keep her. They did not regret it.
I also know couples that decided to get an abortion as they felt it wasn’t the right time for them. Some went on and had children later in life, some did not. They did not regret it either.
I think it is ok to be nervous and scared. Talk with your partner about how you both feel. Maybe even talk to a therapist to make sense of how you feel. Make sure you are both comfortable with your decision. Whatever you decide, it will be the right decision for you.
BCG1, congrats. My brother and his wife had a few ‘fun weekends’ during a summer with a lot of weddings and then found themselves preggo with twins. They are both 30 now, twins are almost 3. They love them and can’t imagine their lives without them now. They’re also preggo with their third now. Sometimes these things are blessings in disguise.
Chief
OP, I can totally understand why you’re conflicted. If stories help, I will say that I was pregnant at 31, it wasn’t a great time, and I was miserable physically and conflicted. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks (many first pregnancies miscarry, according to my OB), and it was then that I was devastated and mourned and realized I *was* ready and that I had wanted that child.
It is a super emotional state of being with a lot of import to our lives.
Hugs.
From someone who’s had multiple miscarriages, please know you did NOTHING wrong. This was not your fault. Repeat this to yourself until you believe it. This was not your fault.
Conversation Starter
I’ve known forever that I don’t want children. If you were planning on having them at some point in the future, my situation probably doesn’t apply to you. I will say, I don’t think there’s ever a “right” time to have a kid. So if it was part of the plan already, why not now?
27 here and made the decision a few years ago to not ever have kids. I believe kids deserve parents who will love them and I know I just don’t have the maternal instincts. In addition, I love traveling and the freedom. Also discussed with my SO of 9 years and told him if it’s a dealbreaker then so be it.
As many have mentioned - your situation with your partner is unique and no judgement either way. I was in a similar situation front he detail you provided and had the same thoughts - it wasn’t really until I had the miscarriage that I realized I was a little excited because I suddenly found myself a bit disappointed. That being said after the miscarriage it put other fertility issues in my mind and my perspective changed a bit and we shortly after got pregnant but I can tell you the timing had never felt worse - my husband and I were relocating countries from the EU back to the US and he was unemployed while I was on a client traveling weekly to NYC and buying a house in a FL. In fact my client went so far as to tell me how bad it was for me to be pregnant in my situation 😟🤬. At the end of the day you have to make the right decision for yourself - personally I was scared and not excited until birth basically - it all felt surreal until then and def did not feel ready but when I evaluated with my husband we decided to move forward. Very easily I can imagine we could have gone the other way and not regretted it as well - all choices have pros and cons. You and your partner will make the choice and whichever way you two decide just be confident that it was made for a reason. Best of luck Bc either way it’s your path and will lead to your next adventure.
It’s such a personal decision and I feel like all we can do is share our stories in case they resonate.
I never wanted kids until one day I did. And then I struggled with infertility for a year before I got pregnant in 2016. I was so excited. And then the election happened and at the time it felt like the world was upside down and moving backwards, and I didn’t know how I could bring a child (especially if it happened to be a girl) into this world. Now obviously I can’t imagine life without this kid. We’re now trying to have a second in the middle of a pandemic and I think my perspective now is that things are always hard in one way or another. Balancing work and life and being a mom is always hard. The world will never be perfect. I think if we had waited for everything to align, we wouldn’t have our son now and he just brings me so much happiness.
Conversation Starter
I am 15 weeks pregnant and struggled to get pregnant. I magically got pregnant during lockdown in between fertility treatments. I remember leaving the doctor around 5 weeks thinking “I could abort this if I didn’t want it”. I wasn’t attached - and I tried so hard for this baby! I say this to say feelings are normal.
I’ve been married for four years and with my husband for over 10. I don’t think we really were ready until we realized we couldn’t have kids. But I knew I was ready when I started to feel more stable in my job AND my relationship. Despite being married, we had a rough few years and I seriously doubted my relationship. It wasn’t until we started to work through things that I felt I could do it.
Whatever you decide to do is the right decision. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Chief
Congratulations! The shock will pass, no one is really 100% ready mentally. It sounds like a blessing at the right time, something to bring happiness especially when you’re burnt out and tired of life as you said. A baby will give you a new perspective, a new motivation. Nonetheless, if you want to have an abortion, that’s your right.
I've always known I don't want kids. How I knew... well, nothing about having kids ever sounded alluring. Pregnancy, giving up my current social life and travel, not being able to sleep in, being forever connected to a man... the only thing I like about the thought of having kids is that I think it'd be nice to have them around as adults and to leave a legacy, but that fantasy isn't worth the 20 years of struggle before that for me
Conversation Starter
Like others have said, the shock and fear is normal and will pass. Our pregnancy was not planned either and I went through the whole grief process when I initially found out. Now that I have my little girl I can’t imagine life without her. She’s so very special to me. You will find a new normal after you have a baby. Being a parent is hard, but if you have a good support system you can make it work. It has brought me more joy than anything I have ever done. That is my experience. I wish you the best in your decision!
Mid-20s and pregnant right now. Last year, we worked with a marriage counselor to figure out if we wanted children. After we figured it out, I wanted children sooner than later because I just knew I would have less energy as I got older.
Overall, I imagined myself doing kid things with my kid, and the thought of getting to do that with a future child made me smile.