{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "Mothers who have left their husbands in the first year of their first child’s life - talk to me about why you did it, whether there was a “straw that broke the camel’s back” and how you feel about everything now in retrospect. \n\nI really need some help thinking through this. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, and I don’t want to be rash.", "post_id": "60fc8297223526002115f776", "reply_count": 24, "vote_count": 3, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms" }

Mothers who have left their husbands in the first year of their first child’s life - talk to me about why you did it, whether there was a “straw that broke the camel’s back” and how you feel about everything now in retrospect. I really need some help thinking through this. I haven’t talked to anyone about it, and I don’t want to be rash.

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Just wanted to say, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. First year is so so hard.

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We have help that was supposed to be a stop gap between when my maternity leave ended and his paternity leave starts. It has not been full time - it has been half days, and I have taken on a more significant burden (my job was slow to ramp back up and he is very busy)…but now my work is ramping back up and I feel very overwhelmed. He told me the other day he wants full time help while he is on paternity leave, which really irritated me…he does have a lot of side gigs and side hustles, but I still felt like “this was not the plan, and I don’t even have full time help now when I am NOT on leave.” I think there is a tremendous amount of resentment on both sides. We haven’t had sex in over a year. I don’t know how this is my life. I feel deeply, deeply misunderstood and really unsupported - physically, with the baby…but emotionally too.

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I agree with others that it looks like he doesn't like you. But, to be a devil's advocate on the help issue, men usually assume that if you need help you'll ask for it. They don't get clues and don't like passive-aggressive. When I was the one sleeping with the baby and getting her to sleep, it was hard, especially during her first month. The moment it was his turn, he went to amazon and wanted to buy thousands of dollars in baby sleeping products... I had to stop him! Plus, every time that he had the baby and she was fuzzy, he was like, Is she hungry? And then tried to pass her to me. We got to a great rhythm now that the baby is 4 months old, so it took some time.

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I have not done this, but here to say that absolutely everything my husband did in the first year of both my children's lives annoyed me. It is a stressful, stressful time and add work obligations on top of it and it's a recipe for disaster. Have you discussed counseling?

We have done counseling with 4 separate counselors with mixed results. I am trying to not be fatalistic, which I admit is a default for me sometimes in this arena.

What did he do that made you feel you wanted to leave? Is it just he's not helping enough with the baby, or is it something more serious?

Somewhat similar situation here. For me I was terrified of the idea of “sharing” the child (ie passing back and forth) and therefore chose to ignore all of his unkind/inappropriate behaviors, thrive in the good/fun moments and take on 100 percent of the responsibility myself. I was better at this in first months after baby….it gets exhausting….but for me….it works better than the alternative. Just putting it out there that many situations are different….and not ideal…but it’s ok to choose different paths.

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I am sorry that you are not feeling supported. It is a difficult situation, but for your mental and physical health, Is it possible to get paid help while you go through these issues? It might help your relationship or not, but it will help your state of mind for sure.

Sending love, mama! I’m reading your comments and I feel for you. I’m 3.5 months PP and there are a couple times I feel like I could leave him. I always knew this is going to be hard but never thought it’s going to be THIS hard. Hang in there! I hope things get better for you ❤️

Absolutely thought this. I think it’s very natural. However, the way he’s treating you is not. I’d recommend therapy for both and for him to understand why he think this is acceptable. If not, totally understand wanting to say goodbye to this - but the first year is very hard on both parents.

If your son/daughter was in this situation with a partner that treated them this way (kept secrets and generally was not nice) you’d tell them to leave. You deserve a true partner. Don’t let anyone tell you you should settle for less or resign yourself to a lifetime of misery because you had a child with this person.

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