My 13 y/o daughter came out to me about 8 months ago (which I thought was pretty cool for her to trust her dad with that). I told her that I support her and whoever she decides to love.
She has now started going by “they/them” and I’ve acclimated to those pronouns and they secretly decided that they want to be called Ash. Then cut their long, beautiful hair. (Which shocked me).
Even though I’m supportive of all of these changes and proud of them..
I can’t help but miss my baby girl some days.

Speaking as a woman who came out and cut her long hair off, they are slowly becoming their true self. Yes you will lose the “old” version of them but I think you’ll find they blossom in new and more significant ways when they come comfortable in their own skin. I am sure it means the world to them to have your support even as you work through your (valid) feelings.

Sorry if this is a stupid question but at 13 do they have maturity to discover their true self?

You are her father first, friend second. You are supposed to guide her and add your wisdom to help mold her behavior. If she said she wanted to eat nothing but candy and not brush her teeth, would you also support that unquestionably?

She is 13. Her brain won’t stop developing until 25. Push back and instead of supporting the madness (that is why it will continue to escalate, the irrational is never satisfied in life or math), apply gentle but firm questioning of her beliefs and motivations.

The world will happily eat your daughter and spit her out. You are her father, her shield against its evils. Do your duty or regret it until your dying day. You have time to save your little girl. Look up how many “trans” teens returned back to their normal state after lockdowns occurred and they were no longer being groomed at school. Do something before she goes too far. Look up r/detrans. Look at the stories of women who werr only 17 when they made choices that affected their entire lives. They hate their voices, they hate themselves and often suffer from frelings of suicide that aren’t easily dispelled.

It’s great to see how supportive you are. I really appreciate seeing a post like this as someone who is also going through certain changes with my own children. No matter what changes your kids do in life it will be tough to accept. My mom cried for days when I got a tattoo at 18. It’s okay to feel the way you feel. They will always be your baby no matter what stage in life.

I know this comment is going to absolutely disappear in the flood, but as someone who is actually Trans, actually uses they/them and started to realize I'm not actually the gender I was assigned at birth at about 13-14, I'm disgusted by the response here. I don't know what I expected, the corporate world is violently transphobic on a good day, but maybe I'd hoped a few voices would be here to tell you that it'll be okay.

Your kid is telling you, by being out to you, that you are a good father. That you are a Safe person in their life. I am now 25 and still do not feel safe being out to my family. Please hear how important it is that they are safe to tell you.

In regards to the 'detransition' and 'pumping kids full of hormones' crap I'm seeing in these comments, please disregard them. If you want to know about trans healthcare at Their age, see the rest of this paragraph, if not, skip it. At this age your kid will not be offered any permanent medical intervention, IF they are even interested in medically transitioning. They may not be interested at all. Many trans folks aren't. The MOST any Doctor will offer is puberty blockers, someone many normal (or cisgender) kids are offered when they're having hormonal issues at this age anyway. My cisgender older sister was on puberty blockers for two years because she was hitting puberty too young and it was physically and mentally damaging. There have been shown no long term side effects of these in 90% of people. And again that's only IF medical transition is even want they want to do, which, you didn't mention in your post. Which is why it's so gross people keep bringing it up.

Your kid might not be trans. Your kid might not use they/them pronouns their whole life. It is also, from a trans perspective, okay to mourn the loss of the kid you thought you had. You would have had to do that anyways. No kid is exactly who you think they are. As they get older all children surprise us, and there are parts of them we have to let go of no matter what. I know it is hard. I strongly recommend seeking out some queer people in your community, maybe even focusing on finding people who use they/they pronouns like your kid does, and trying to wrap your brain around it. I know it's a hard transition to make. It hard for your kid too. And they trusted you to let you know and be part of the process. They are giving you a chance to support them and be a part of their life, be a part of their true self. Please, please don't let that go to waste. The consequences for not trying to be supportive at this age can be absolutely dire.

I wish peace for your heart, the best things for your kid as they explore who they are, and that everyone in this comment section who is using fear mongering tactics against a 13 year old exploring their identity and trying to scare you, a dad who's already going through it, the day they f'ing deserve.

You’re allowed to grieve.

You are doing such a fantastic job and really you sound like a stellar parent. It’s natural to miss your daughter as you have imagined her, however also sounds like you are prioritizing what your child needs over your needs/feelings. Kudos to you, my wish is that every child gets a parent like you

I mean as long as it’s just calling themselves whatever. When it comes to pumping your body with hormones and doing surgeries in young children - that’s where it scares me. They are too young to know what’s good for them. What if this is just transitional?

I went through something similar with one of my kids, and I’ll say this: the support is great, but my one hard line in the sand was that if they wanted to do anything medical, they would need therapy first and would need to wait until they were adults before we considered it (lots of medical doctors back up this point of view). After a few months, the child resorted back to old clothes/gender identity, and never pursued therapy. We never made a big deal about it either way - just loved and supported.

Now, the kid is 18 and seems happy and well-adjusted. Not saying that your daughter might not continue to identify as they/them, but just to say that kids are viewing this as a way to grow and test things out and stand out amongst their peers, and this may be a phase your child is going through. I’m glad your daughter feels safe enough coming to you!

At this point it's difficult to discern what is genuine and what is the result of them being molded by the messaging they receive from our culture at large. There's plenty of studies that show how malleable children/adolescents are and at this stage in life they're desperately trying to fit in and/or get attention.

Also, I'm not so convinced that telling your 13 y/o child that you'll support her and whoever she decides to love is a good idea. I mean, she's 13. Even at 18, 19, 20 and beyond people make terrible choices in their partners and I can't imagine having a parent who just goes along with whatever.

They becoming her own person/growing up. I’d say that’s pretty cool. You would have these same feelings if they were just simply getting or going on to the next chapter of their life. Best of luck to the two of you

It’s natural to feel that way; nostalgia is a powerful emotion. Sometimes I miss my sister being who she used to be —- she was always a very feminine girl as a child. But I remind myself that looking butch now makes her and her partner happy, and that people change even if it’s just by growing older. Have a drink my friend, and take it easy. 🥃

Kids need guidance. Not from the woke mobs, however.

OP, so many of these comments are making me angry so I cannot imagine how some of them make you feel as a father. I just want to say that everything you've done makes you an incredible father. I truly hope my children trust me and see me as a safe space when they get older as much as your child sees you as one. You are doing everything right.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with that in the sense that you’re sort of mourning the loss of who your daughter was. I’m not saying that in a negative way because you’re able to embrace and love who they are becoming.

I don’t think a lot of people would be able to do that. Having a supportive parent will be resoundingly important and crucial as they get older and hopefully they will be grateful.

It sounds like they will continue to change as they get older and they probably will. But it’s ok to take everything one step at a time and I hope they’re patient with you as you adjust to each change.

Support her, but make sure you’re monitoring her web presence and her friends. Because 13 is a very young age to realize you want to be called “they/them”, which is genderless….

So I’m assuming they are non-binary? Might be wise to have them speak to a psychologist/doctor, as well✔️

At that age, we all go through a lot of changes etc, but make sure that her friends and “TikTok” aren’t driving these changes

Here's what I am not getting:
Say your son comes out to you as gay at 13-14 yo, but then proceeds to tell you that he doesn't want to be gay, he prefers to be more like his friends, he wants to marry a woman and have children and be part of "traditional family". Then your response would be, "Oh, no, you cannot change who you are; if you are born gay, you cannot "un-chose" to be one".
But if the same kid, at the same age, comes to you and says that he wants to be a woman, you immediately tell them how supportive you are and how you'll take them to a doctor to get hormones and schedule surgeries?

My kids are young. But my biggest goal with them is to teach them to think clearly and think for themselves. Your daughter might be genuine but I think a lot of this gender stuff is a cry for help or a cry to fit in to a tribe.