My bf always shuts down whenever I get big professional wins. Silent treatment & anger all week. Hes said he sees my career progression as a further descent into longer hrs and less quality time. Meanwhile I have tried to ask him what exactly he wants for us to make it work (evenings together? I can work early mornings. Not a lot of travel? I can get local staffing, etc) but he refuses to even talk about it and sees my position as ‘all about me’. I don’t know how we got this broken (cont)

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Therapy. sounds like core values are not aligned though on expectation of time spent together and sounds like some jealousy/role issues at play too to be honest. Maybe uncertainty about how your success fits into his ideal future plans.

Your achievements should be celebrated by your partner! You deserve that.

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Sounds like he hates himself because he feels he ain't progressing in his career/isn't happy with his current success and/or feels the man should be the more "successful breadwinner"

likesmart

I’m less optimistic than COS1- it shows in your boyfriends actions. That he gives you the silent treatment and isn’t talking with you and trying to figure it out but rather just mad and unable to work through it. That’s a terrible sign, as being able to communicate well through problems is a really important part of marriage

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I had a career win recently - my husband gave me a huge hug, and said, “I am so proud of you - what do you need from me to make the harder hours work?” Leave him and find this. You deserve someone who will celebrate you.

likesmarthelpful

OP - I married a great guy, but this?? This is the baseline, not the dream. You settle for men who maybe aren’t as talkative as you’d like, or who have a different love language, or work longer hours than ideal, or who have crappy families you don’t care for, or snore and gain weight 10 years in, or who have THE WORST taste in movies. My husband is all of those things. But we support each other, lift each other, and do what we can to make each other’s lives better. You should never settle for less than that.

likeupliftinghelpful

... couples are people who should be pushing each other to grow, constantly. Giving you the cold shoulder instead of finding a solution is immature. Therapy can be a choice since you are in love and don't want to lose him but for me, this would indicate he is not only not able to compromise but he wants you to adapt yourself to him and his needs, which is a red flag.

likesmarthelpful

Sounds like an anxious avoidant couple. Therapy is the best solution else get out wo wasting time. Also read the book ‘Attached’ if you’re into reading

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I agree SC2! When i read the part about how its okay to be dependent on your partner and to need reassurance (my ex used to say the same exact things the book mentioned that i was too needy smh) that was sooo validating! OP: let me know what you think of the book after you’re done! We could have a book discussion too if you’re in NYC haha

Sounds like this will be hard to overcome. His lack of communication is also telling you something, as without communication resentments build up. Find someone who celebrates your success and wins. This will only gets worst with jealousy and demands to work less leading to resentment by you.

likesmart

Take your losses and move on

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I agree. If he doesn’t see the value of what you’re bringing to the table (career or relationship) why bother sticking around?

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I would provide a different perspective - as someone who is in a similar situation (though I am the female and I am the one who is frustrated with my partner), maybe he sees you putting work first as your top priority and he doesn’t feel like the relationship is getting the attention it needs. It doesn’t have to be jealousy about relative success, but maybe it’s jealousy that work is #1 in your life. Speaking from experience, I am with someone who loves his job. He works day and night and travels a lot (it’s consulting, right?) Even when staffed locally, or if we make time for dinner, the pressures of work are always there and it seems it’s the main topic of conversation. I want more time to explore hobbies, be with our friends, buy a house and do other things - but right now work is #1. It can be frustrating and sad. I think his inability to talk about it and be solutions focused is not good, and I too suggest therapy. However, I also think the notion that someone should always support their partners goals isn’t necessarily wrong, but there are just some people that won’t be fulfilled by a partner whose work is and will always be #1 in their lives. Good luck and I hope things work out!

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@BCG1 Great perspective. I think this has been this kiss of death for me in relationships. They want me to make career sacrifices with little notice and I can’t (not traveling, taking a spontaneous day off, not working late, long vacations, etc.). The moment they realize the relationship doesn’t come first, they bolt. But I’m expected to do this for them without hesitation 🤷🏼‍♀️

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He’s jealous of you OP. For decades, women have given up their happiness/career etc. to keep men in their lives happy. Do we really need to cater to insecure men’s’ fragile egos? I definitely think this is a red flag, and you should give him an ultimatum. This can only go down hill from here, and doesn’t look like it’ll get better. This would be a no brainer for me. Honestly, my biggest turn off in a relationship is an insecure/immature man.

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🙌🏼🙌🏼

Dump him. Sorry but what do you think it will be like if and once you have kids? He will throw tantrums if you don’t do the majority do the childcare work.

likesmarthelpful

Might be sunk cost fallacy at work here... therapy is a good first step but always keep that in mind

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I feel like a broken record begging him and arguing that this isn’t fair. I am so deeply in love with him and we’ve known each other for over a decade, dating for 6 years.
Is the writing on the wall? Or has anyone worked through something similar? How do I restore his trust in our communication? How do I get him to see that a compromise isn’t a loss? I’m so frustrated...

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I’m sorry he isn’t supportive. Your other half should be celebrating your (either yours or his) wins together. It sounds to me like there is jealousy and resentment on his part when you are moving forward, but he is not, which is a dangerous thing to have in a relationship. Try the therapy and see if you can work through it together, but be aware that this will require a big change on his part.

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Agree K2. I don’t think the real issue here for him is not being around to spend time with him. If that really is it, they need to find a way to discuss it in a productive way. I hate to hear people going through issues like this. My marriage is definitely not perfect, but we are both really supportive of each other.

Dies this relationship add to the joy in your life? Does it bring you a sense of inner peace? Does it make you a better person? Are you the best you that you can be with this person?

If no, what are you doing?

likesmart

I would very much reconsider this relationship, especially because I’ve literally never heard of this particular situation getting any better or becoming less of a problem

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I’ve been in both your shoes. There is no easy way to resolve this. It could be that your bf sees you as putting work ahead of your relationship 100% of the time and that frustrates him. When you ask him what he wants to make it work, he may want you to say what *you* want to make the relationship work. Do you sometimes initiate discussions about spending more time together or does that always come from him? Are you happy with how things are and how much time you spend together? Is the current state sustainable for you long-term? If it is for you but not for him, it could be that you want different things from a relationship. But your bf should be able to still congratulate you for your successes while expressing frustration at how you spend or balance your time, and silent treatment for a week is excessive (and not productive).

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DTMF

likefunny

Well, OP, anyway WE are proud of you! Congratulations! 🎊🎉🍾🎈

likeuplifting

Why have you been dating for 6 years ? Have you talked about marriage

likesmart

C1 - not really fair to judge here. My husband I dated for over 7 years before getting married. As long as they're on the same page, they can go at whatever effing pace they like.

likesmart

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