{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My bf and I are both 25 but I see glaring differences in our maturity about life in general. I am unable to trust him with errands, or planning a trip because of past experiences with him. Contd", "post_id": "5c235336387c320017f667f0", "reply_count": 51, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "59e88be7e2808e00149b0443", "bowl_name": "Women In Consulting", "feed_type": "bowl" }

My bf and I are both 25 but I see glaring differences in our maturity about life in general. I am unable to trust him with errands, or planning a trip because of past experiences with him. Contd

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I had a relationship end similarly to this but at age 22; he was in grad school and wanted to continue to party and not be responsible or do anything resembling “adult” things: schedule trips together, cook a niceish dinner at home, etc, just wanted to hang out with me and his buddies and watch sports, drink, study, etc. This might be a lot different situation but for me I realize in hindsight how much growing up he needed to do and how much he wasn’t fulfilling my needs, and in the end he was the one that broke things off. I was heartbroken at the time but soon after I met someone that wanted to plan trips together, cook dinner, think about the future. Now we’ve been together for 2+ years and I can trust him to do anything for me, as he can I, and that’s an incredible feeling not just for purposes of stability but of mutual support and admiration. If you feel like you’re not getting this and won’t get it with your current SO, I’d consider expressing these feelings to him with the potential to move on from him from there if he has no interest in changing and fulfilling your needs.

likeuplifting

OP, I am 25 as well and just ended a 3 year relationship with a guy who similarly could not step up to contribute equally to the relationship with any kind of planning, be it planning dinner or a trip or a date night. I was burnt out from the mental energy of having to basically take care of him (while working longer hours and making 3x as much money and paying for a lot of our dates and trips). So yeah now I’m single but I feel SO MUCH BETTER after having dropped the dead weight. Also I’m dating a few early 30s guys right now and the level of maturity is refreshing. I think the “men mature slower” argument is BS but it is true that men respond to the social pressure to grow up a bit by age 30. Seeing their friends settle down & get married probably makes them start thinking about the future more seriously. So my tip would be try dating a few years older 🤣 👌🏻

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If he excuses his behaviour with “men are immature at this age”, then that’s a red flag. If he takes steps to get better, then it’s salvageable

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Sis. I’m Indian too and as you know, a lot of Indian men are used to being mollycoddled by their mums and are pretty useless when it comes to this stuff. I don’t think he’s suddenly going to become responsible overnight, or even a few years from now, especially if he’s been conditioned to feel he doesn’t need to step up and it’s being handled by someone else. I think you need to be honest and tell him you’re not okay with this and he needs to contribute more - maybe assign him certain tasks that he needs to take care of on his own, and see how it goes - if he won’t put in the effort now, it’s not magically going to work out later. I understand that it’s a hard position to be in - good luck!

likehelpful

^ this. I’m Indian too and agreed all above. I’d only add that if you're at the point of assigning him tasks, you’re still mothering him and it likely won’t inspire him to step up beyond whatever thing you assign him.

likesmart

That’s bullshit. I know people (including my husband) who were married at that age and who were responsible adults and supportive partners. He could be an adult about it if he wanted to. He just doesn’t want to

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Girl, find a new man who will treat you like a queen

likehelpful

My SO just turned 24 and is the most mature man i have ever met. Handles bills and trips and groceries and cleaning and cooking and thoughtful gifts and everything else- even better than me honestly and i am 28. Its the person, not their age. My friend married a man who was similar to your so and she now handles EVERYTHING for their household and if they have children shell be doing everything and more....

likehelpful

Do not confuse maturity with personality!

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OP, you should drop this guy - he sounds useless. Who doesn’t know what to do when someone is hospitalized? This is just common sense that any functioning adult will be able to undertake. What kind of errands is he not capable of running? Grocery store? Pharmacy? All of these are basic life skills... Also guarantee A2 is a man - and message to him - stop defending this guy. It’s not a good look.

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Wow, OP....please get out. Do you really want to be his chauffeur and maid and chef for the rest of your life?

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One of the most liberating things is to realize that people are exactly who they are - there is no mystery & no need to guess. Assume that he will not change & ask yourself if you’ll be ok with his behavior in 5,10 or 15 years. Imagine adding children to that equation, if that is part of your plan. If you can live a happy and fulfilling life despite his immaturity, go for it. If you can’t imagine navigating the rest of your life without a true partner, break up with him. He’s more than old enough to be a contributing member to the household.

likehelpful

You're still young. You're a professional. You're pretty, I'm sure. There's no reason to stick with someone who does not take you or your feelings seriously by showing appreciation and/or equal effort. I'd have a conversation with him about how his actions exhaust you and make you feel a gap or imbalance. If you don't see a change, move on. Contrary to traditional thinking, it's better to be single than have someone, but still feel alone. I don't think this is exclusive to Indian men (although, I've seriously dated two and they were very immature & spoiled). Exists in our Black culture as well. And so many of my white friends complain about the same thing...In my opinion, men are often a product of what dynamics they observed in the home. And unless they're self-aware and doing/did a lot of work to shed old habits or avoid certain things, a lot of men are just like their fathers AND expect most women to act their mothers. I remember dating people who I had doubts about & it seemed like "if l leave this person will I find someone else?" But I've learned that once you have distance, you can clearly see how it's not going to work out. And when you leave, sometimes they come back & by that time, you really don't want them and/or you've already found someone else...It'll work out!

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Nope I married my husband when he was 24. Similarly babied by his mom in some respects (Asian culture) but outside of taking care of the home he was fully capable of auditing and being a partner. You’re young; don’t settle but don’t waste time either

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Also it’s one thing if he just doesn’t know how to do stuff but wants to grow up / learn. His excuses are the big problem here.

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End it

likehelpful

You were very patient to put up with this for 3 years. He had plenty of time to up his game. End it and get a real life partner not another child to take care of. It is exhausting and you’ll loose respect for him very quickly. Date people a few years older if that could help although I don’t think it’s age honestly.

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Me and my husband are responsible in our own things . He handles bills , I take care of gifts . He is responsible financially deciding what to buy based on brand research ,I tell when to spend . I plan vacation logistics , he plans our weekends . And we have been doing this since we were 22. Though there were days I think he is immature and vice versa .

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My 2 cents based on 25+ years of marriage ( arranged :) ), I was 23 and my husband was 30 with no sense of responsibility and a controlling set of parents !!! Men change, we change, rather we grow and none of us are perfect, what’s most important is mutual respect, for our feelings and decisions, same ethical values, compatibility in general,...analyze if your current feeling is due to any other underlying deep issues that’s manifesting as feeling the whole responsibility ion your shoulder. When you plan things does he follow through without criticizing and look for signs where he is implicitly appreciative...in short, no one is perfect, the next person might be responsible but controlling and we never know.

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Agree with A2, end it early if you find the habits intolerable.

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Nope. I'm also not buying that. There are so many men who are complete assholes, largely because that's the example they saw at home- either blatantly or with subtly. I have married friends, so supposedly my friend/their spouse was "THE ONE" and still the guy is immature or arrogant and/or selfish. UNLESS a guy has voluntarily done a lot of work to acknowledge and improve HIMSELF, there isn't a chance for a mature relationship - doesn't matter who the woman is. Just wait for the right one, at the right time.

likehelpful

Thank you everyone for your thoughts! :) I know it’s going to be hard, but I’ve decided to let go of the relationship.

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I really love him but he is more of a responsibility (not financially) than support. He tells me that men his age are often immature and I’ve heard this from a few other people too. Wanted to hear this group’s thoughts. I am seriously considering breaking up because I’m afraid this will not change in the future. We both are Indians, in case it matters

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I would consider ending it. Trust is one of the pillars of a relationship. If you can not trust him now, you risk that not changing and that’s a hard thing to build. You will find someone you can trust and aligns with your future goals.

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I can relate to the extent that I don’t know how to deal with someone hospitalized or death. I’m 24 too and been fortunate to still have my close family near me. Except when my grandparents died. The thought of death makes me uncomfortable and I avoid it. I guess, I myself, am immature in that sense. But this is an opportunity to help him too. He doesn’t have experience in this area and may need you to navigate and support him in the right direction. I think you should learn to trust him more. None of us are perfect and we can’t learn if people hold our hands through out life. We learn thru failure or from experience of having to overcome an obstacle. Trust him more and give him more to do. Test him again and if he seems to be unable to mature for certain situations still, move on. Find someone who can because your clearly want and need that

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