My bf got a bit upset when I referred to him as my bf instead of fiancé. We got engaged a year ago. I am from an East Asian country while he’s born in the US in a traditional American family in the northeast. In my culture, there’s no such a thing as engagement nowadays, so I never understand the importance of engagement. My understanding is that marriage is basically a legal contract with legal implications; and hence bf/fiancé doesn’t really matterCan anyone help me to understand it? Thanks

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There isn’t much more to explain. Your boyfriend is telling you how he feels, and you’re not listening.

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Fair point. I also wanna use this opportunity to have a better understanding of the culture. Agree I should’ve done this earlier.

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In US culture, there is a difference between boyfriend and fiancé because a boyfriend doesn’t imply any level of seriousness. The term can be used quite loosely. Whereas, fiancé implies you are engaged to be married - so it carries different meaning of the nature of the relationship. Referring to him as your boyfriend may have offended him because it implies your relationship is not as serious as it actually is. These other replies seem a little snarky while you are asking just to understand, so I’m hoping that helps

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Thank you for your explanations! Truly appreciate it

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I think you are seeking 2 things
1. Validation
2. Cultural significance of the term

1. I cannot validate that what you did was right or wrong. You and your bf/fiance need to be on the same page.

2. I'm from India and I married a white man that comes from a traditional American family in the midwest. Growing up in India, I didn't know that relationships had so many variations, names and definitions. Specifically because arranged marriages were the norm. But love is blind and although we've been hit by a cupid's arrow, we never seemed to be on the same page initially.

So even after getting engaged, I found myself sharing that I got a new job as the exciting thing happening in my life. To me, engagement and wedding were an expected life event (I know differently now), so I never bothered to acknowledge them as exciting "milestone" events. I didn't refer to him as a fiance either because the term didn't make much sense to me. It also didn't make or break the love I had for him.

It took nothing short of a million conversations and a lot of soul searching to get on the same page and find common ground.

With cultural differences like these, expect to find yourself on different pages on multiple occasions. However, never forget the love you have for each other and the subsequent growth that comes along with it.

Good luck! ❤

likeupliftinghelpful

Thank you for you reply and suggestions. I have a lot to learn to become a good wife:)

So you only have questions now on engagement but now a year ago?

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This man wants the world to know that you are his and off limits!! Your engagement ring, here - in this culture you live in...the same culture you are marrying into -, is a signal to this world that you are his and he is yours. For him to give you that ring is probably one of the biggest decisions of his life...if not the biggest.

When you disregard it, it's a repeated slap in his face from perhaps the only person he "chose" to love (we don't usually choose our parents, siblings, kids, but we choose our partner - that's a pretty big deal) - he has shifted the course of his life to align with yours and has bought one of the most expensive things he may ever buy to tell the world that you are his and when the world asks, you don't verbalize it, you don't show excitement for this shift, you don't acknowledge it at all...and then when he lets you know his irritation, you say it's not a big deal and to chill out, further disregarding his effort and feelings. That can cause pretty deep wounds.

There is a reason your engagement ring is bigger/shinier that your wedding band. It's a celebration of the decision he made to ask you to be his wife and the decision you made to accept it. When you accept an engagement ring, but don't acknowledge its importance, it makes him and people question whether you understand the importance of the ring, marriage or your fiancé at all.

You only get one engagement (in theory). It's supposed to be the time you use the re-orient your lives towards each other. It's like breaking in a new mouth guard. Back in the day, it's the time you prepare to leave you parents house, the time you prepare to become a wife, the final days of your virginity, the final days with the name you've had since birth. Nowadays, people live together and go back to the same apt/bed w used sheets right after their wedding, further diminishing the importance/value of an engagement. Nowadays, one of the only things you can do to signify this short-but-important time is to let people know you're engaged - show off the ring, get excited that you are each other's. He wants you to look at the ring, look at him and tell your friends "That's my fiancé!!!!" He wants you both to be outwardly excited that you're going to be one. He's excited to say his "fianceé" and then people are like "holy shit, you chose a lifelong partner, that's a pretty big deal - who is she?" Then, they look at you/the ring and then, out of your mouth comes "oh yeah, he's my bf" as you further explain why his decision to choose you as his life long partner, the proposal, the ring, the engagement and ultimately your marriage aren't of importance - it comes off as you don't take his decision to marry you seriously and you also want to embarrass him in front of his friends/family. 🤦‍♀️I know that may not be your intention but, that can be how it is received, especially by older people.

Even with all the changes in society today, the decision to marry another person is still a big deal.

When you don't take the engagement ring seriously, it signals to the people/couples you interact with that you don't take the idea of marriage or your fiancé or marriage specifically to your fiancé seriously. It makes him and you look bad/silly/foolish/stupid in group settings because it's a very clear signal that you are misaligned as a couple to the outside world and makes him look like a fool for giving you a ring that you don't seems to appreciate or take seriously at all.

For many guys, proposing is a huge transition from boyhood to manhood. You are telling the world that you are adult/man enough to not only care for yourself, but for another as well. When you disregard that ring/your engagement, it's like you are disregarding his manhood and his ego - you don't take him seriously as a man. Boyfriends are just that - boys. Grown men propose. The idea is a grown woman accepts. When you disregard the ring/engagement, it signals that perhaps you would rather be a gf or you don't understand the significance of being someone's wife.

You do realize these people you're calling him "bf" to may be the same people you plan to invite to your wedding, right? If you don't take your marriage seriously, why should they? More importantly, why should they put that much into gifts if it looks like you're probs not going to last that long? 😲🧐 You don't want a bunch of people at your wedding who don't believe in your relationship. That just sucks and is not a great way to start off a union.

Intercultural relationships can be hard, but this is your time to re-orient yourself to what engagement and marriage means in the culture you're marrying into. Whether you believe it or not isn't the question here - you're not going to change how some in the western world perceives marriage - it's more about understanding the person/world you've chosen to align your life to. Make whatever decision you want, but just understand how those decisions are perceived, but more importantly how they affect your partner and ultimately, you.

I'm not saying this is how you actually feel, but this is how your actions may be perceived. Somehow, you picked up that he was hurting so you posted here. Hopefully, I've helped you to better understand how your behavior is received by your fiancé and others and how to potentially better align your behavior to convey a more united front with your fiancé/soon-to-be husband! 🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊

Whether you choose to acknowledge it or not, your engagement has significance to your fiancé...and hopefully, you too now!

Best of luck! And congratulations on your engagement!!! 🎉🎊🎉🎊🎉🎊

likesmart

Thank you so so much, EY! I think there are so many nails in the head that you hit! And honestly you observed issues that we are experiencing, one of which includes cultural difference (including language barriers) and my transition into family life. I realized that there’s a lot that I overlooked in the past. Thank you! Wish I could invite you to my wedding when it happens.

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Probably because usually it’s the opposite problem where the guy signals it’s less serious. Appreciate that your fiancé takes it seriously. Hopefully he wasn’t that hurt either. I’ve made that mistake myself. Fiancé is a clunky term and feels old fashioned.

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This is going to sound dumb but watch a few English period dramas. The word engaged is very embedded into being committed not just serious. The idea is you’ve made an agreement to be get married. English period dramas have a lot of secret engagements bc a mans relations thinks the fiancé is beneath him and he’s waiting for the relation to die to inherit money. It’s definitely a cultural thing and as a third gen Asian American I would be annoyed if my finance referred to me has his girlfriend. It doesn’t hold the same commitment as just dating.

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Validate his feelings.

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