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This is hard. I hear you, I see you. I have gained and lost ~50 lbs and one thing that helped me was therapy around disordered eating and finding exercise that truly makes me feel happy. It is definitely a lifelong thing, strive for progress not perfection. You are strong and capable. And you are so much more than your weight. ❤️
Look into traditional therapists - and then under specialties they’ll list for example, anxiety, depression… eating disorders. When I lost weight I found myself afraid of being around social situations because I was afraid I’d eat too much and feel guilty - this is disordered eating. It never got perfect but tips like grab one plate - fill it with a reasonable balanced meal - eat it - then step away from the table and keep water in your hand helped a lot and are the kind of thing I use a lot (like on thanksgiving)!