my boyfriend admitted to me today that he feels like my stomach is "bigger than he initially thought". we met on a dating app and have been together 4 months. he says that i looked thinner in my photos.
the pictures i had were recent/present-day so im confused. im 5'10 and a sz. 12. im definitely not skinny, but am curvy in some areas and was always comfortable with my body. i asked him if he thinks im fat or if he's not attracted to me and he says no. so im like, well why did you say that?
He thinks you’re fat
He definitely thinks you're a little husky.
Enthusiast
Don't dump him, but tell him he hurt your feelings and you'd appreciate him keeping insensitive remarks like that to himself in the future.
Honesty does not mean speaking every thought that comes into your head. Adults should have some tact, and people in intimate relationships should take more care in looking out for each other's feelings.
Insensitive remarks? How else is he supposed to tell her? Would you rather be cheat or just break it off without explanation. How can be possibly get his girlfriend to be her best self? It seems like you'd rather he leave her entirely.
Chief
Why DID he say that? 🥴
If you asked his initial impression and he told you and he was being honest, you have no right to be upset. He was probably referring to how on dating apps probably 90% of chicks use pictures taken from above their head or have someone else like a gay BFF take it from above that way it's easy to suck in a little pudge and make it seem like your face is slim with a nice jawline and bone structure as well as focus on sticking their chest out which naturally pulls your stomach in flat. If you're upset that h knows those tricks of the trade then you probably shouldn't get upset ab it. It's the equivalent of the guy lying about having a fat bank acct then you find out he's finding his lifestyle either with Daddy's AMEX or loans.
Don’t let him get into your head. If he wants a skinny girl, he should go for one. You are who you are. You are ENOUGH and WORTHY.
thank you 😊
Enthusiast
Female here…sounds like he was just being honest; truth hurts🤷🏽♀️ You can let him know he hurt your feelings, but would you rather him lie to you instead? Good luck, OP
Yeah, I was annoyed until I read the context. This sounds like he was sharing his honest impressions and they were mainly positive. This kind of seems like a plus. He clearly liked OP enough to not let one thing bother him.
Rising Star
You need a new thiccnic picnic boyfriend?
….asking for a….me.
💀💀
Rising Star
Hi OP 👀👀
lol
Girl, he waited 4 months to say something he’s been thinking from the start? Just imagine what other surprises are in store for you. Cut bait and runnnn 🏃🏻♀️🚩
Rising Star
The balls on some people. Cut bait. Tell him, you just lost (whatever weight he is) and kick him to the curb.
Conversation Starter
Everyone here saying you asked for honesty and you got it are not understanding the underlying meaning to all of this.
It sounds like he likes her enough to date her but that one factor bothers him enough to actually bring it up. If he thinks her stomach is big he’ll always think that. That won’t change. So how is OP supposed to feel comfortable with her partner at her worst when he already doesn’t appreciate her at what she thinks is her best.
What is wrong with recognizing the things that are not 100% desirable in partners? And talk about them? Honestly? As he's being with her. Plus it's not even clear that he had a particular preference or strong feeling about the stomach; we just know he perceived it less in pictures. When we first met, my husband found how skinny I was worrisome. And we talked about it. We still do, he still worries I may become weaker as we grow older. We've had this conversation for almost 20 years, clearly his preferences were not being met but seems he has been able to handle it, as have I.
I'm not really sure what a lot of the people who have answered see relationships to be, but it's seriously different to what I think about them. With my boss or office mates? Sure, sometimes I pretend that I'm more polite, or tidy than I actually am. With my parents? Definitely, I do pretend with them a lot, particularly about how everything is peachy, since they worry so much about everything. With my son? I sometimes pretend to be less scared or insecure than I am, although I do try to convey to him that it's ok to be weak at times. Even with my friends, sometimes going out with them is a moment of freedom and make belief, so there's a lot of pretending. But nothing like going back to my partner and knowing he can see my gray hair, laziness some days, lack of confidence... and it's ok. I can be my true honest self, and the relationship we have is strong enough that whatever we share, I know that what we have is stronger. And sure, it was not like this at 4 months of knowing each other. But it started with inane conversations like how different we look in pictures than in real life, and how sometimes our expectations, even about people we truly like, do not get 100% reflected in reality.
Pro
The reactions on this thread make me feel even more grateful for my SO. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where we measure every word we say. The foundational trust we share is sufficient to establish that everything comes from a good place and is meant well. Trust and love each other. Honesty and authenticity will follow. Life is too short to fret over nothings.
May be I live in a rosy world or an extremely fortunate to have a SO who understands me completely ✌️
Chief
The point is that nothing needs to be fixed, OPs bf didn’t tell her she needed to lose weight, just mentioned she looked smaller in pictures but he clearly finds her attractive. So no point of obsessing about one comment if that person otherwise showers you with love, that’s the point.
Dump his ass bestie, you deserve better
Chief
Yasssssssss🙌🙌🙌🙌
Chief
Time for a new BF😤
Chief
Noice.
pt. 2: to his point, i definitely dont have abs (neither does he!), but lots of ppl dont. i consider myself really attractive, and he claims that he feels the same way.
but i cant lie, my feelings are hurt and now im wondering what else he thinks about me??
If a man doesn't tell the truth, we're in the wrong. If a man tells the truth, we're in the wrong. You shouldn't ask questions if you can't handle the answer. Now if he's fat too, and doesn't take care of his own health, then he's just a hypocrite.
As a dude I'll explain this in the easiest way possible. We are dumb and often make observations just to make observations. He's not telling you to lose weight, not telling you that you are unattractive, simply saying that your belly is slightly bigger than it was (which seems like it's factually true)
I disagree. They talked about this in the context of what caught their attention when they first met. I don't see why it would mean he wants to change it, yes been with her since that first date. Did he mention all the other stuff because he wanted them to change as well?
Rising Star
Everyone has a different take. I’m a female and when I put on weight I could tell my SO was less attracted. He was still committed and kind but def less attracted. I think attraction to some extent is not in our control and if me being heavy was getting in the way of that, I was fine eating healthier and exercising. Plus in this case making him attracted was for the benefit of my health whicb I had been neglecting. If you’re perfectly happy with your weight, express that to him and he should respect it. In my case I know some ppl would shame me conforming to my SO’s preferences but I felt it was best for me and us. While I lost the weight I told him I don’t want weight to be a reason for loving or not loving me and he agreed. He emphasized that if age/childbearing/sickness is a reason for gain, no problem. He just finds it important for me to lead a healthy lifestyle and thinks weight gain from no exercise and eating fast food (which I love) is in no one’s interest. Lol sorry for the rant and wishing you both good luck!!
Rising Star
Im confused by the comments saying oh he was just being honest. Honesty and tact are two different things. Some things just dont need to be said.
I feel too the contrary. That he brings it up because it does NOT bother him. In the context of how the conversation occurred, I read it as, this is what struck me then. Then clearly didn't care as they are together talking about this.
*ex-boyfriend
This isn’t a great thing to say, but it’s not like he just walked in the room and announced this out of the blue, nor that he thinks about this on a daily basis. From your other comments, it kinda sounds like he just thought you were a little thicker than your pics on the first date, but is dating you and it’s been months so presumably is attracted to you?
He thinks you’re fat, we’ve all used that one before
Pro
You sure are CLEVER enough to BRIDGE this Arguable Gap in your self evaluation and his perception 😉