My boyfriend and I just had a pretty big argument at dinner. We’ve been dating for 2.5 yrs (I’m 23F, he is 32M) and have talked about moving in together, but never the logistics. So today, I told him I plan on purchasing a house in my name next summer and asked what he thought bills and etc. would look like. He instantly got pissed off and thought it was insane that I would purchase a house in my name and not include him on the deed.

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I’m sorry if I sound mean but. You need to leave him. Buy the house in your name. You have no obligation to put his name on the house you are buying. You don’t need him to live with you or help pay bills. Don’t waste any more or all of your 20’s on a guy who has bad credit and no career. There is NO FUTURE HERE! Trust me I’ve been in your shoes or damn near close to your shoes. If he wanted to live with you he would be. He’s in his 30’s. If he wanted a career he wouldn’t be a server.

likehelpfulsmartfunny

You shouldn’t judge people based on their income and career but that’s not the same as going out with someone who doesn’t have a career or any motivation to do anything at 32. Engagement or marriage isn’t something that should be considered unless you want to be the breadwinner. You’re young. You have your head on straight. Don’t sell yourself short. Better yourself and raise your standards. And this dude can’t have a normal conversation without flipping out. Peace dude.

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Girl don’t let a man play you like this! Who the hell is he to tell you can’t buy a house under your own name. You’re 23, no debt and have a great job lined up for you! You do you! Nothing wrong being an independent woman who can pay for her own things. Also, you’re soo young and smart, you can find better! Yeah I get you don’t want to write him off bc he’s a server, but that’s not the case here. He’s 32 and lives with his parents. You have goals and you’ll likely progress quickly in your career. If he’s already having issues, probably will continue when you make even more money and hit your promotions. I come from a working class family as well but that doesn’t mean you have to settle for anything less because of that! Remember you’re strong, powerful and smart! Go buy your house and don’t let a man tell you what you should or should not do!

likeuplifting

I need this energy in my life

likefunny
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He’s likely just upset that it may seem like you aren’t including him. Don’t buy a house together without being married.

likesmart

Or at least a ring!

You are 23 years old and have a lifetime ahead of you. Please, please, please do not get married to this guy, buy a house with him, or further entangle yourself with him.

There are so many other guys out there who will love you and be a partner with you emotionally and financially. He is 32 and does not have his act together, is not committed or communicating well. He is too old for this nonsense.

You deserve more!

likefunny

For more context: I have worked extremely hard to get my student loans to zero by graduation and am starting at Deloitte in September. He is a server, has a lot of student loans, still lives at home, and terrible credit. There’s also the worry of “what if we buy a house together and then don’t work out?” Am I wrong for wanting to purchase a house on my own?

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Me and my boyfriend got into similar argument. I had plans to purchase a condo or a house without him and he took that as me not wanting to be with him and not considering our future by buying something on my own. To say the least. He is now my ex boyfriend and I’m about to close on a condo

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You seem like you have your reasons for keeping him off the title. He has terrible credit and has a lot of debt. Also you’re not married or are even living together yet. Do you have anything else where you have dual title or do you split certain other expenses? It doesn’t seem like you consider his debt to be your debt so not sure why your house debt should be his house debt. How will he contribute to the home. Will he pay some of the mortgage in the form of rent to you?

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OP you sound like a lovely person and you care a lot but you have also your head straight and you should keep that and don't let his "emotionality" sway you. (I know its not a word but its late and couldn't think of better 😂 in any case wish you all the best xx

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Do not put him on your deed. Also, a mature man will 100% understand why you would not. I just bought a home and my BF will move in and we both understand if shit doesn’t shake out it’s still my house. It will be your down payment, your salary that can pay it reliably. If you cannot have a level headed convo about money you prob can’t own a home together. These are tough convos for sure but can happen successfully.

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I’d leave him off the deed. My husband closed on our house a week before he proposed and left me off the deed and I 100% understood why. I have 2 friends who bought houses with their boyfriends and it didn’t work out. It was a nightmare for them and one lost a lot of money on the deal.

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Yes, that is a huge red flag.

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Simple way of looking at things, will he be contributing to the mortgage or house payment? If not, then no it’s not wrong to leave him out of it.

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The fact that he’s 32, doesn’t own a house and is upset about you getting one...red flags, man.

likesmart

Update: We had a more civil conversation and he said that me talking about buying a house on my own makes him feel left out and like I’m not including him in my future. I believe that is valid (I’m not one to tell people their feelings aren’t) but told him he needs to be more open to these types of conversations and that the way he reacted was really jarring to me. Honestly, this was a huge step back in our relationship, and we mutually (I think) decided to stop mentioning living together/getting engaged for now and just take things one day at a time. This thread really instilled a lot of confidence in me about what I can bring to the table, though, and really has me reflecting on the future I want to build and who I want to build it with. Thank you all for the advice and kind words!

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That’s great OP! Just remember it’s your life until your wedding day when it’s “our life”. So happy you had a more civil conversation :)

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Sounds like he's 22, not 32

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I once co-signed a loan with my significant other, (we had been 5 years at the time). I did it, because I saw a future with us and he had bad credit, according to him, through no fault of his own. We broke up two years later and I found out, that he hadn’t paid a cent back on the loan. (It was to open a deli that never took off the ground). So here I am out of relationship, and being stuck with $40,000 of his debt. It took me several years to pay it back, but it was a lesson well learned. Don’t put his name on the deed, and don’t let him live with you and less you have in writing how much he is going to pay monthly for rent. If a 30 your man can’t have a civil conversation about money, it will only get worse.

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Oh and since the country is shut down study for your cpa and pass that shit. Don’t worry about your friends. Don’t worry about this dude. Pass those exams

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He doesn’t seem like he has the maturity or emotional intelligence to even talk about real life matters. This, to me, is a red flag in itself let alone how he feels about being left off the deed. The conversation may be uncomfortable but it has to be had especially if you think you see a future with him in which you are married.

And to echo SAA1, I totally agree that who you are now in your 20s is not who you will be in your 30s. The 20s are really your formative years and your world views are likely still being formed. PLUS, you will be starting a whole new chapter of your life in September! This alone will shift your mindset going foreword as you are no longer a student but a working professional.

I would honestly have a heart to heart conversation with your SO and really talk about the future and what that would look like. How is going to feel when you start making substantially more than him? Will he feel ok about that considering the traditional gender roles where the men are expected to be breadwinners? Will you be ok being the breadwinner? Will he be resentful of your successes? You know him better than we do and you may already know the answers to some of these questions but it is definitely worth a talk with your SO.

Best of luck and CONGRATS on your achievements!!!

likehelpful

Run away!!

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If you two aren’t married, both of you shouldn’t be on the deed, co-signing, etc. Need to protect yourself incase the relationship doesn’t work out.

likesmart

Tell him it is insane for you to put his name on the house without a ring on the finger. Although, you probs shouldn’t be marrying him.

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Girl i used to date losers with no careers & huge credit card debts when i was in my early 20s. Im 26 now and I date guys who have great careers. Their family backgrounds are a lot better now too (i.e., healthier family dynamics). If you cant break up now, that’s fine. But give this relationship 2 more yrs before u make any sort of life decisions wirh this guy. Im sure 2 yrs is way too long before u realize u r too good for him.

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Tell him to watch Judge Judy. If you're not married and he doesn't contribute to the mortgage equally, he shouldn't even think about trying to get a peace of your hardwork

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