My boyfriend and I of 6 years just moved in together 3 months ago. He just told me he cheated on me a year ago and another time 2 years ago. He was drunk, angry, stupid, and regrets it greatly. He wants to change and go to therapy and stay together. I’m torn please help.

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Coming from someone who has experienced this. RUN. GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN. I went through the same thing with my ex husband, ended up forgiving him while we were dating because of therapy and proceeded to get married and got divorced about 4 years ago. I wish I could go back in time and have the self love and respect I have for myself now. Once you get married, it gets harder and divorce is anything but fun. Please don’t waste your youth, beauty and time on someone who doesn’t value you enough to stay loyal to you. Trust is the hardest thing to build once it’s been broken.

likesmart

Yes, he ended up cheating again. And, the worst of it is that he did it while we were going to therapy. He was the one who had actually suggested going to therapy while we were married. I agreed and we were in therapy the last 3 years of our marriage. It was in the last 6 months or so of that time that he met someone else. I trusted my intuition during that last 6 mo when something didn’t feel right. I was tired of never being able to trust, obsessing and always feeling anxiety. I knew I deserved better and come home from work one day and told him I wanted a divorce. My intuition was right because he admitted during our divorce that he had met his girlfriend 6 months prior. It just makes me sad to see other women go through similar situations. Breaking up and divorce is devastating and I won’t sugar coat that part BUT once you know what you are worth you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve. It took me a couple of years but now my current boyfriend treats me like a Queen, and he’s honest and loyal! I couldn’t be more happier today.

likeuplifting

Was in a similar situation. Boyfriend and I moved in together and before we even finished unpacking, I discovered on his computer that he had been having relationships with other women. I confronted him, and he admitted to what I had seen as well as another fling. We had been long distance, and he swore that now that we were finally together in the same place, he’d be completely focused on us.

I tried to move forward with the relationship — probably more because we lived in an AMAZING luxury apt in NYC. We lasted a few more months before I moved out. I just could not trust him and it was making my life miserable. Most importantly, I knew I deserved better than him. (And I found it — I’m married now).

I also had a rule for myself when I was looking for a partner— nobody with substance abuse issues. Not current, not recovering. Not at all. That person is always one drink away from a downward spiral and I wanted no part of that nor would I raise children in an environment like that.

I think you know what you need to do.

likehelpful

OP I was in a similar situation as you with a bf (although we didn’t live together). My last straw was when he showed up at my apartment on a Sunday night during busy season drunk and messed up on Xanax and I knew I couldn’t be with him anymore. He had cheated on me before also and I couldn’t get past it so had serious trust issues and we fought constantly. I was always afraid of being alone too which is why I stuck it out for so long, but after I ended things with him I actually felt relieved and it was like a weight had been taken off me. I was happy again for the first time in years.

It doesn’t sound like your relationship is as messed up as mine was, but trust me, there is life after a bad breakup and if he’s causing you any kind of pain or guilt it’ll feel great to get away from that.

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If he cheats once, he'll do it again, and again, and again. Respect yourself and move on. If you get married and he cheats, it will be more complicated

likesmart

Rt^

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I truly cannot believe the overwhelming response I received on this post. I posted it on a whim hoping to get some advice from a few people and am overwhelmed by the support. I have read and re-read every single comment multiple times during the last two weeks. We broke up today and ended our lease. I’m staying with my parents until I find a new apartment. What really did it for me were the patterns in our relationship and the fact that the cheating confession was the last of many red flags prior. I’m not angry or resentful and I do not hate him. I’m grateful for our time together and doing my best to move on without hate in my heart. Truly cannot thank this community enough, you have no idea how much clarity this post provided me. Please continue supporting other women!! We need each other.

likeuplifting

You did the right thing. Your future self with thank you.

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To me cheating is one thing, but lying and being dishonest for so long to me is unforgivable. I think it speaks for volumes to who he is as a person if he willing made big steps with you, while holding onto this secrets he knew would hurt you. If he can keep it quiet for so long, what else is he capable of? Also, if he really regretted it and felt bad, he would have owned up to it then.

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The act is the cheating but the lying/being dishonest is not revealing what happened immediately after. It would be better if he confessed right away rather than bring it up so long after. I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive?

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Once a cheater, always a cheater. Dump him, you deserve better

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We were talking about getting engaged and he wanted to give me 100% transparency before taking the next step. My biggest concern as well is does this man have a conscience? If I cheated, I would have to tell him the next day.

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I did. The very next day.

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Hi hi. I’m sorry this happened and no one should be going through this especially during this pandemic. Anyways, 6 years is a long time and you may be afraid to let go. For you, you’ll need to get into that mind set of can you forgive him or you’ll keep it in the back on your mind and bring it up when it’s convenient for you. I think trying out couples therapy is a good idea and if it works then great. And if it doesn’t, you can both have said you tried. The ball is in your court.

If I were in your shoes, I would have left him. I don’t believe getting drunk out of angry is an excuse for his actions, especially if he did it twice. What happens if he gets angry again? He’ll probably resort to alcohol again. There will also be someone better for you. It may not seem like that at this time but there will be. You have FFF friends, family, fishbowl but try out therapy as well. Best wishes.

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Leave him and move on... otherwise you’ll regret it later. I had a similar experience and still regret my life even today so trust me dump him

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Yep 100% agree.

Wow I am so sorry. Once is like ok maybe we can get through this. But twice?! I don’t think I could girl. It would always be in the back of my mind. If he really wants you, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. I’m in a serious relationship, and I can’t even imagine myself cheating on my bf. The first thing that comes to my mind would be how he would feel. Highly doubt he considered how you would feel when he was making those choices.

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Cheater is always a cheater, people don’t change. I lived with one for many years.

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Yeap, exact same situation!

Now seeing you say he is dealing with alcoholism- RUN! You can be a friend, you can show him support, but do not live with or marry that man. He needs to do work and become healthy and you do not deserve to be his savior or rock through this. I don’t mean to sound harsh but I know it’s potentially the most loving thing you can do is to not be his emotional rock and savior through this

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Yeah, if you stay it is enabling him. You deserve better!

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He waited to tell you until you had moved in together to trap you.

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Ugh good point actually. And bringing up during talks of engagements (but months/years after the occurrence) and saying it’s to be “fully transparent” seems a little gaslighty?

likesmartfunny

He should have told you before moving in with you. He cannot be trusted at all and he does not make decisions with you in consideration. Cheating can be forgiven, but manipulation, and exploitation cannot. He manipulated you by waiting until this point where your decision is harder because you’re already living together. He probably knows you would have just left before right? You definitely need to take this as a sign. I’m sorry for the years you lost, but I have a feeling it will only get worse if you stick around. Please do what’s best for YOU and you alone (not what’s best for your relationship).

likesmart

This would be a dealbreaker for me based on what you’ve described. The time to bring it up would have been BEFORE you moved in together.

He did this for a reason. It’s a pain to move and and combine your daily life. It makes it harder and more complicated to walk away - that’s why he waited .

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck and deep love - it’s what you deserve.

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As someone who took back a cheater, I have one warning: it will constantly be in the back of your head. If you can handle that, work on moving forward.

Sure, there are periods where I don’t think about the girl who was involved. On other days, the thoughts I have put me in a hole.

He treats me great now and is beyond obsessed with me. He pretty much built his life around me. But I wish he realized my worth sooner so I wasn’t part of his trial run with getting his life together.

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I wouldn’t make a decision or give you any advice without knowing your pap results and STD results from your well woman exams over this time period. Only then can we talk about the risks he may have actually exposed you to. We could be talking about a new unknown STD or he could have literally done something to risk you getting cancer or potentially effecting your fertility. So figure out that before you make any decision.

likefunny

The best advice I ever received “Pick your stocks based on potential, Pick your man based on patterns”. If he’s cheated before that’s a pattern that is unlikely to change and it’s incredibly unhealthy to try to change someone. Walk away you deserve better.

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Normally I would say just dump him and move on. I usually believe in the “once a cheater always a cheater” mantra. It’s concerning he took so long to tell... but at least he did? And since you have been together for so long, moved in, and are talking about engagements I would say tell him to hold off on engagement plans and go to individual and couples therapy. If that seems like too much work for either of you then you probably have your answer if you can make this relationship work. Sorry though. This sounds like a really tough situation and I wish you all the best!

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My ex bf cheated on me 4 times and I was the dumbest person who forgive him 3 times and believed he would change. Every time he cried and promised me that he would never do it again. Guess what... none of the promises were delivered. We’ve been together for 4 years and the first 2 and half years were all happy memories, and that was why I decided to give him chances. I thought I’d been died without him and I was self-doubting. I thought I must be not good/Attractive and would never find someone who loves me. Turned out I was totally wrong. Just move forward and take this as a lesson so you know who to not date in the future. My current bf loves me and I couldn’t been more happier. I am so glad that I decided to move on. Think about it, do you really want to spend your rest of the life w/ someone who you can hardly trust again?

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