My boyfriend wants to break up because he says fight too much. We don’t fight about anything major just sometimes we have differences in opinion and we’re both strong personalities.

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Ehh maybe I am cynical but if he wants to leave, let him. When you are 40 and married with kids, I’d try couples counseling, but for a boyfriend I’d say why try fighting that uphill battle

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You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. The reason is irrelevant.

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Definitely second BCG1. If he wants to go, let him go. He does not seem that much into you or the relationship - sorry OP.

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It can be legitimately exhausting when you’re both stubborn, and both good at arguing, and neither of you are great at saying sorry (I speak from experience).

You can both learn techniques around de-escalation, moderating your voice level, avoiding ad hominem...whatever it is, it can be learned.

What will make or break the relationship is both of you being willing to try. Whether it’s about fighting or something else, a long term relationship only works where both parties are willing to do the work to keep the union healthy. If he isn’t game now, then that’s a red flag to me.

Hope you two do manage to work on it...it does make for much less stressful discussions

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Update- he got back from the holidays and switched back to normal and apologized. He said he’s going through a lot of change all at once and just was second guessing a lot of aspects of his life but when he got back and saw me he realized how much he missed me. We will go for dinner later tonight and figure out how to work through it together.

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I'm curious. How old are you?

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I would also maybe talk to him about how the fighting makes him feel. To him, the arguments might be deeper than differences of opinion or he may be concerned with patterns/habits of communication you’re developing for long-term.

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... I really don’t want it to end because I really see a future with him. He doesn’t seem to be convinced that this is something we can work out. Any advice on what I can do?

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If he wants to break up, then he may not have the same feelings you do about the relationship's future....

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I’m 28. I should also revise my original statement, he hasn’t explicitly said he wants to break up he is just saying he is worried about the future and he’s unsure how it could work and that he needs time to figure it out. Of course I then jumped to thinking that means he wants out soon.

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If that is the case, you can ask him
if he wants to talk to a counselor with you to find better ways of coping or settling things.

Thank you guys for all your input. He’s coming back from the holidays this week so I’m really hoping we can figure this out.

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Also, food helps. Try cook for him

My college friend has a theory that some families are justice oriented and others are harmony oriented. I think that might be what’s happening with you and your boyfriend.

I know my boyfriend is from the east coast and will fight me on small things. I grew up in the Midwest (stereotypes much?) and would rather we not argue about little things and just let things go more easily. We are working to meet in the middle, but it’s still painful for me.

Hope this helps!

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Couples counseling

I also went to couples counseling when my bf and I hit a wall. We have to learn how to communicate with each other. He is extremely midwestern and feels that any confrontation is a fight. It’s helpful to get a 3rd party to explain thin ga

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Instead of couples counseling I recommend reading and discussing a book together. Crucial Conversations. Or 5 Love Languages both could be helpful. There are many, many more which could help you learn to communicate better as BCG2 has recommended

Doesn’t seem like there’s any harm in couples counseling if you BOTH see a future and are open to it. I honestly think it is something almost all couples could benefit from. And since you’re at McK I assume it’s covered with a super low copay, so it is mostly time investment (that you should be investing in your relationship anyway). All the said, if he balks at the idea of working on communication with you, it probably is best to move on and be grateful you know now.

What happened, OP?

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