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Don’t force someone you don’t like on them to make them miserable just because you and your husband don’t have the boundaries for her behavior set. You can also tell her “no” (to her behavior or staying with you) or do something else. I sympathize with a crappy situation on your end. But the answer isn’t to just make other people miserable instead.
McK - apologies, never meant a personal attack, just the “set boundaries”... the message I assume you are referring to was a reaction from me on account of A1 implying I’m a bad kid. I fully am sympathetic to your situation and hope that it didn’t come across as saying you want to make your family miserable - only meant that pushing a pill/obnoxious MIL on them rather than setting your own boundaries would serve to make them miserable. Poor articulation on my part and really just wanted to say set boundaries separate if the siblings in law.
You husband needs to talk it out with his brother. If you involve yourself in this, you may strain your relationship with your brother-in- law and his wife
Rising Star
This 100%
Chief
Your partner needs to have a sibling to sibling conversation with their brother and come up with schedule rotating this. I wouldn’t make it about your MIL being awful. Simply say - we cannot commit to this every year because we want to spend time with your parents or do whatever plus mom would appreciate seeing you and the family over the holidays as well.
Pro
If your BIL and SIL don’t want to host your MIL over the holidays, they certainly don’t have to. This isn’t a responsibility that anyone has to have. If you feel like you host your MIL too much, decide how much you are comfortable with and host her that frequently. If you would rather only deal with her every other year and she has been enough of a pill that your BIL and SIL don’t want to host in between, then that is your MIL’s problem, not yours or theirs.
"We can't host this year, sorry."
Rising Star
My sister has this problem with her SIL not wanting to host a straining parent. Except- my sister spends every other year (not this one obviously) with us. So, either SIL steps up or parent is alone.
What I'm saying is - putting the bit about a pandemic and aging parents exposed to covid aside - do you go see your family? Could you see you and your husband spending every other year on holiday (on the beach in Tel Aviv sounds nice!)? Agree with everyone above about boundary setting. There are several solutions to this.
Take a break this year due to the pandemic. Nobody hosts and everyone hopefully stays alive and healthy.
Yes- agree with this. Take the opportunity of covid to break the expectation that you are the perennial hosts. Announce that you’re also making plans for a big holiday trip somewhere next Christmas after normalcy hopefully returns. And let the other family members organize their own lives.
I would set a schedule with them in advance - you could say “I’m sure the mom would appreciate staying with you this year”?
Could one side do thanksgiving and the other Christmas? Or switch off every other year?