My dad has spent years of his life telling my mom not work, to stay home and do childcare, he needs her to cook & clean. Never let her drive, she hasn’t drove in almost a decade. They are clearly not happy, but if she ever tried to get a divorce she’s not able to support herself in any way now. She is so depressed with her life & my dad rants to me about anything she says. How do I help her? Is all hope lost?

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She can get a job at UPS making over $20/hr and good benefits with no experience. Help her get a job

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My dad did this. This is great advice.

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There could be a cultural barrier here I’m not privy to, but if this were my dad I would call him on his BS.

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You could support her

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Wouldn’t she get half of everything considering how long they’ve been together?

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This assumes “everything” is enough to live off of… which may not be the case here if OP’s parents are a normal middle class US household with only 1 working parent for 30+ years.

She still needs to be able to support herself and it sounds like OP’s dad is financially abusive

Your mom is in an abusive relationship. She needs to leave that relationship and you need to help her. Itll be hard I imagine bc they are your parents but its something you have to do. Convince her to get her own bank account for start. To stand up to your father. Itll make things worse at home. Fights that will fall on you. But it's juat something you have to do bv after all these years of abuse your mom doesn't have the strength to do it on her own. Help her get ready to leave him bc thats the only way she will ever be happy. Your father won't let off of the control and she'll never be happy in that relationship

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She doesn’t have to divorce him to do things he doesn’t like her doing. And it sounds like he’s helpless without her too.

It’s time for her to start getting some entry-level job experience, and to tell the man-child she cares for to f* off

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If there’s no public transportation, teach her how to drive and get her a car if you can afford it. Set up a separate bank account so she can start saving.

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No. She could do online courses and find online work for now. It will be challenging with the other expectations but she could do it. Also for divorce most states will give alimony and child support for her especially since she’s hasn’t had income for a long time. Your dad will be in a worse spot because your mom could get alimony for the rest of her life up to 50% of his income if she can show she’s wasn’t able to further her options due to the demand of your dad.

Support her to get a job. It's not needed to get divorced.

She got a job near by ($16 an hour) that is close enough for him to drive her to. If he wants to go somewhere or gets into an argument with her (like today), I have to drive her or she gets an Uber. He convinced her to put all earnings into their joint bank account….if she buys anything $1 more then he likes at the grocery store he says it’s his money she’s wasting. The job is a step for her happiness to get out of the house and be surrounded by people who treat her much better, but life at home doesn’t change much.

It’s not *His* money. Period. They are married, it belongs to both of them.

My parents are similar in the fact that my Dad works and my Mom hasn’t for a long time, and he also bitches about what things cost but doesn’t do anything to run their finances and she doesn’t manage them irresponsibley. But Dad doesn’t want her to work because he doesn’t want her to *have to.* He wants to provide for her and he takes great pride and responsibility in doing so. That said, she’s free to work or not as she pleases, even if it kinda hurts his feelings. It took a long time for them to come to that adjustment in their marriage. It played out over the course of several small business and philanthropy projects my mom took on. 1 business in particular took off. My Dad was incredibly uninvolved but tried to hamstring her by controlling her cashflow (that she couldn’t do anything that didn’t pay for itself from Day 1, unless he approved any expenses without having a clue about that business itself). I grew up during this process, and when I became a big kid, I gave my mom an angel investment of $2,000 to buy a large piece of equipment she needed. Mom cried. Dad was furious and offended - because “we don’t need money.” He got so mad Mom tried to insist I take it back. I quoted him back in my response to both of them (he’s said this so many times) “I don’t tell you how to spend your money. I’m off the payroll and I pay for myself and I’ll do whatever I damn well want with my money. And if you try to give it back I’ll throw it in the front fuckin yard.” He couldn’t make her give it back and he had no right to.

He was mad because I made him look bad and thwarted his control of the situation, supplying her money from a different source so she could handle her business how she needed and wanted. I eliminated him as a barrier, which he didn’t see coming.

My point is - its not your marriage to step in the middle of. I never discussed whether she should leave, or got onto my Dad about the way he was treating her, didn’t play devil’s advocate or peacemaker. I didn’t jump into the arguments and the dynamics. But I interrupted them as a key player because I was involved in them to force a change. I was part of that business idea.

Are you in a position to do something like that to interrupt the status quo? And when your Dad bitches to you - do you just let him sound off or do you feel confident enough to cordially disagree with his mindset? If your mother wants to leave, that’s her decision, but help her. Whatever you do, you have to play very smart and several steps ahead because it sounds like your Dad is retaliatory, unless he can’t be.

Borderline controlling….

Honestly, you should threaten to beat the crap out of him.

Everyone is dancing around the issue, but the fact is that your father is an abusive POS. He isn’t going to be swayed by reason, or your mom getting her own bank account.

Throw filial piety out the window. Your loyalty is to your mom now, and protecting and helping her.

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