{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My dad is generally supportive of me, but downplays my accomplishments and treats my confidence like arrogance. He barely acknowledges my wins and can be slightly (but not overly) negative.\n\nHe does say he’s proud of me once in a while, but I do feel like my feelings are often invalidated. For what it’s worth, he’s an Asian dad and will always see me as his kid rather than an adult.\n\nAny advice? I try not to seek approval, but I do live with my parents (moved out then back in due to COVID)", "post_id": "6105f8865cbb83002a63da0d", "reply_count": 33, "vote_count": 5, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting" }

My dad is generally supportive of me, but downplays my accomplishments and treats my confidence like arrogance. He barely acknowledges my wins and can be slightly (but not overly) negative. He does say he’s proud of me once in a while, but I do feel like my feelings are often invalidated. For what it’s worth, he’s an Asian dad and will always see me as his kid rather than an adult. Any advice? I try not to seek approval, but I do live with my parents (moved out then back in due to COVID)

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Pardon me for being cut and dry on this but I cannot trust someone who minimizes my success. Heck no! If you are worried about me because you care and you really love me as a parent, you will voice your worry but you will never attack my confidence by minimizing my success. People who make excuses for those who abuse them in relationships (physicall or emotionally) rarely have happy stories to tell from what I kmow. Give your dad his respect regardless of his behavior, and be proud of yourself as you march ahead both humbly and confidently.

likehelpful

I feel Asian Dads don’t openly express their love for their kids. Appreciation is also hard to come by from them. But trust me, they love their as much as Asian moms do. It could be a cultural thing. I think he is not jealous of you. He might be making sure that your success does not go into your head. Also do you agree with me on the fact that in Asian cultures, talking about your own success is not considered good(considered borderline arrogant)?

likehelpful

There is no problem with you talking about your success with your parents. But if he does not appreciate your success right away(or even dismiss), be ok with that. He was probably brought up that way. It’ll be impossible for him to change. Personally I think why would any dad be jealous of his own kid’s success. He gets the bragging right.

likehelpful
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Don’t derive your sense of worth from him. Source: I’m in the same boat as you

likeuplifting

Do a hard disconnect if needed and make sure you don’t repeat the mistake for the next generation. It’s not funny how close the apple falls from the tree

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Accept your dad for who he is. And who he is someone that may not be able to give you what you are looking for.

likehelpful

Pretty simple: move out and give yourself the ability to come and go into and out of that environment as you choose

likesmarthelpful

Is some of this due to moving in and being less independent? Otherwise as others said focus on yourself and move forward probably can’t change your dad and his old school view.

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Get a new dad?

funny

It's not a bug, it's a feature #asiandad 😂

likefunny

What is your goal from your dad? What do you want from him?

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Of course! If he likes performing acts of service, try to find little things to ask his advice on. My mom, for example, is excellent at arranging things to be space efficient, so I'll sometimes ask for her help even if I don't give two craps about how my craft room is organized. It makes her happy.

helpful

I totally get you...I feel the same. I feel like everyone else, no matter what they do, is always better than me. I try not to care about what he thinks anymore and just do everything for myself.

uplifting

Love to hear it! Don’t let others dictate your worth

You don’t need your dad to acknowledge your accomplishments . Some dads are just super old school. You know yourself worth and that’s all you need in life.

uplifting

That’s exactly it - he’s just really old school. Thanks for the reminder

Lmao. One sentence in and I was thinking - is the dad Asian? Your story fits mine to a tee. It wasn’t until a few life milestones (purchasing my first home, having a first child, dad getting old) that it started to flip, but it does happen eventually. And he is proud of you he is just unable to show it because it’s not normal / natural for Asian dads to do so.

uplifting

It’s sad but even a parent can be jealous of you. That’s what I feel like happened with my dad and I so I don’t share my accomplishments (switching jobs, promotions etc.) with him anymore :/. We still bond about other things, sports mostly, and I just don’t discuss my career or my finances with him.

helpful

Are you first generation? I went through similar emotions as you as first generation Asian and for me it was a byproduct of culture and how my dad was raised. It took years of therapy to undo but that was important as it started manifesting in my other work relationships (peers, bosses, leadership) in unhealthy ways.

helpful

You can bring it up once in a positive way: “it really encourages me when you…thanks for doing that!” Barring any progress, living with your parents is a direct tradeoff for this. I believe my father is significantly worse but I wouldnt even live in the same state as my parents

helpful

More: moving back in was a conscious choice - I am very family-driven and prefer being with my folks rather than with roommates, and living by myself feels boring.

EY1 - I’m a guy, but I def agree with you!! Many men, especially older, are like that and it’s horrible.

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