{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My ex lost both both parents in last two years. Her mom just last week. We haven't been in contact in a long time since I've been married. Do I reach out? What do I say?", "post_id": "595b1fac47074b0016ee662c", "reply_count": 23, "vote_count": 8, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting", "feed_type": "crowd" }

My ex lost both both parents in last two years. Her mom just last week. We haven't been in contact in a long time since I've been married. Do I reach out? What do I say?

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Don't reach out..she is vulnerable and is likely to lean on you more then you will be comfortable with given you are married..it sucks because you want to be there but this is one of those situations where you will be helping more by staying away.

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Yeah, just reach out and say sorry for their loss and that you know how much they meant. Just be sincere. and offer space to talk if you're actually wrong

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A note conveying your condolences would be the right thing to do. Gotta look out for each other in this cold world man.

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Dude I think you reach out. Explain to your wife the situation and send some written/digital communication

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The only purpose that 'note of condolence' will serve is making you feel better not her..its a polite social nicety at best...you are either there to support her all the way or stay away..given you history staying away is better..dont be a temporary half measure kinda support.

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Speak to your spouse first about wether they are comfortable about you reaching out. They are the most important person to you. If not leave situation alone.

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Think you lend your support, like a decent human being

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I would send a small/modest gift basket or something, not too personal but it can't hurt her to know people are thinking of you when times are hard. Or even just a card, which you could sign with both your name and your spouse so it's still a boundary.

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If you feel like reaching out, you'll regret if you don't. Once the moment has passed you won't be able to fix it. Maybe she is expecting you to reach out, especially if she would have done the same thing, and failing to do so would make her feel disappointed on top of everything else she is feeling right now. You can't screw up by reaching out, but you might by not doing so. Just keep it short and sincere

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* actually willing

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You're right. Nuf said. Thanks

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My SO is generally not ok with me being in touch with exes. It took me forever to come to terms with it but over the course of our short marriage (3 years) I've learnt that it's been for the best. Now having said that i would be just as conflicted if I were in your situation. It's the nice thing to do and I genuinely still care about anyone I have had history with but I agree the vulnerability of the other person could lead to more communication that could get muddy. Please do NOT send a card signing both your names that is horrible advice. Would you want a card from your ex and their SO - hell I wouldn't not if I was in a good place or a sad place.

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You reaching out is just to feel better with yourself - so dont. Maybe send a note but tbh i dont think ur going to go hang out with her to make her feel better, are you?

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So interesting that the responses vary so much. Obviously people handle death differently and people handle Exs differently, but for some reason I was imagining this was more of a "miss manners" issue and would have a generally clear cut response. Good to know for future reference. Wishing you the best OP

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No sentiment that is sincere is wasted. You guys have history together, we are humans and not machines that can be told how to behave. Reach out if you care, but don't if you just want to be the "good guy".

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Yes reach out! Incredibly rude if you don't, imo.

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^ I think that would depend on the circumstances of the breakup, and the context of their previous relationship, tbh

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I think it makes sense to reach out if you had a relationship with the person who passed away. Many people who are grieving are comforted by the fact that their loved one was appreciated by other people. Send a short email and tell your ex what you particularly appreciated or admired about that person. Make it about the loved one who passed away, not your relationship with your ex.

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Tricky. It sounds like you didn't reach out the last time she lost someone. What changes things now if you haven't talked in that long?

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I care less about what makes you happy, and more about her. I'll say some prayers for her.. that's tough. Coming from someone who's been there she likely has several tough years ahead. Just reach out... it will mean a lot to her.

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