My fiancé is a good, smart, caring person and will make an amazing person. Despite us having similar energies and overlaps in a good number of our values (religion being the same but different levels of practice) I am not excited about planning our wedding or getting married. In fact, I’m feeling depressed and cry more than I feel excited about the future.

Is this cold feet? Or did I screw up, get this far, and fail to think through what marriage meant for me (loss of independence)?

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at

Virtual hugs. Pre-marital counseling and a wedding planner were life savers.

“Loss of independence” is a real thing - like you can’t just move to the other side of the world anymore right? But it’s important to focus your attention and energies on what you are gaining - an incredible life partner and extended family community for the rest of your life! Look back - would you have preferred to have faced Covid solo or with him by your side?

It’s behavioral psychology that perceived losses hurt more than perceived gains and folks make irrational decisions because of that. So try your best to zoom out and think about the happy ahead.

like

Thank you for this perspective! I hadn’t thought of it in this way. I was more focused on what I was losing.

It’s hard to tell with this much information. It could be that wedding planning is stressful and it’s bringing up a lot of issues in what you expected to be a more fun and exciting time. It could be that he’s not the right match for you.

Think about the reasons that you like him and the reasons you decided to marry him in the first place. Are those reasons still true? Is there something missing? What are your fears and are they rational or self-sabotage?

like

Wedding planning while trying to build in COVID contingency plans and helping each set of parents get what they want if there is a necessity for COVID contingency is making us stressed.

Kids - not sure if I’m mentally ready although I’m about to turn 32.

Family time - he likes spending a lot of time with both our families. It’s not that I don’t like our families, I just need some down time / me time to de stress after crazy work weeks and weekends spent wedding venue hunting

Ha are you me? Love my boyfriend but still not ready after enough years that society says I should be. Not excited to get married or even plan to. Idk if him or me but I know he’d be happy to marry me. Also not ready for kids but am in early 30s. No advice just came here to say you are not alone, it’s never too late, and one way or another you will figure this out, just like everything else you’ve done in life to date.

like

1. Deprioritize the things that parents and in-laws want for your wedding. You can’t possibly please everyone, and there is a global pandemic right now throwing a wrench in your plans. Give yourself permission to say no if you don’t want to create extra stress for yourself.
2. Do you not want kids / are you undecided / you do want kids but not yet? What does he want? This is obviously a tough issue, and there’s no shame in going to premarital counseling to discuss something like this. There may be a solution that works for both of you, there may not be, but it’s definitely not something that should be ignored.
3. You need to have a serious conversation about family time and boundaries. I have a very similar dynamic in my relationship. My husband considers his siblings to be his best friends and wants to spend a lot of time with them, but I find his family overwhelming. We have discussed the frequency that we visit both of our families. I think my husband’s preference would honestly be to see his family every week for Sunday dinner, plus other occasions in between, but we don’t do that because it puts a lot of strain on me. We have prioritized the family occasions that are most important to him, and I don’t always attend. Again, this may be something that is worth discussing with a therapist.

Thank you!

like

... if you think about marriage as loss of independence... Well then that is the actual issue

Thank you for sharing! It helps to know that what I’m feeling isn’t odd.

If it’s maybe the wedding planning causing stress - have you considered eloping?

Related Posts

What is the PTO policy for WPP agencies? If Someone resigns with approved unused PTOs? Will they get paid? Also if they resign and PTOs would fall during their notice period would it be perceived as leaving on bad terms?

like

Has anyone gone to a US Embassy in Europe to do the final “adjustment of status” process overseas for their green card? This is in place of doing it in the US where it will take up to 36 months.

Having an Interview this week, and don't know how high I should set my salary expectations. I currently earn 24k/annum base + comission. Would it be unreasonable to say that I have 30k + comission atm? I think it also hardly depends on the location, I am currently working from Poand but would be working for a swiss company.
Currently have about 7months exp. and thoughts on this?
Appreciate the input

like

To anyone who is good with numbers, please help me in improving the accuracy or efficiency of this data.
I have the range of 31-32, but I need to increase this number(s) to almost 90.

Post Photo
like

As we are not frequenting to office and clientsites, anyone plan to return their leased car to save money?

like

Will GraphQl replace Rest?

like

Anybody having difficulty getting medical experts to respond lately? Even in non-covid practice areas?

like

Is £80k for Manager, experienced hire with highly desirable skills an unreasonable expectation? What considerations are made?

like

We are in a textbook adoption cycle. Does anyone have any textbooks/online curriculum that you absolutely love?

Recommendations for things to do on New Years?

like

How much percentage Variable payout can we can expect in Accenture during first year for lateral hire?

like

If you are a professional designer and give someone your "working file" PSD, but it's just a screenshot of all your mockups on a single rasterized layer, please do us all a favor and change careers.

likefunnyhelpful

What’s the growth potential like for recruiter salaries? My 22 yr old cousin just started as a recruiter and makes 75k a year!

like

Hi,

Can anyone please tell me about the Interview process of a Data Scientist I/II in Amazon? What do they expect? And what is the average pay for both of them?

like

Noob question, appreciate your help. What are the main differences between the 2020 sub and previous subs (the classic, black, no date)? I can google but am hoping for the additional insight of this group.
Would you buy a 2020 sub?

like

Here's a question, I see that you can apply to jobs with just your resume, and there isn't an opportunity to include a cover letter. This astounds me because that's really where a business can learn your values and what you can offer them. Does anyone recommend a way around this? I thought about uploading a two page resume with the cover letter included. It seems a loss not to include that edge.

like

New project is halfway complete: a combination outfeed and assembly table. Still need to build drawers for the cabinets, glue and edge the top, and add T-Track, but I’m enjoying working in this cooler weather. Hope all of you guys and gals are doing well! Post your projects if you have anything fun going on.

Post Photo
like

Lost and honestly depressed😔

like

Additional Posts in Women In Consulting

Taking control of my sexual health this year but I’m quite nervous about getting an IUD. What if it’s uncomfortable or my partner feels it during sex? Please share your personal experiences with me, have they been overall positive? Does it shift depending on how rough/ lengthy your partner is?

like

Had a final round Friday that I think I did okay on and the recruiter asked if I had time to speak today. Feeling nervous because I’m feeling as though it could be a rejection. I know they had another candidate in the pipeline that hadn’t finished the process yet so I don’t think it’s an offer :/

like

Just had a man follow me into sbux and try to chat me up while I ordered. Dude. I am carrying a suitcase and trying to catch up on my emails. Go away.

likefunny

I want to upgrade my rolling luggage - recommendations?

like

Any tips on insomnia? I have trouble falling and staying asleep. I was up till 4am last night and 3am the night before and here I am wide awake again (and i’m not on my phone the whole time, i’ll pick it up after a couple hours bc I’m so bored). It doesn’t help that my husband can literally fall asleep in seconds and snores so loud. He is even sleeping in the guest room tonight bc I have an impt meeting in morning but I still can’t fall asleep. Even took a melatonin a couple hours ago. Help!!!

likehelpful

What’s a reasonable amount to ask for in a pre-nuptial agreement where the guy makes a lot of money?

like

Well I did a very bad thing... we found out this week my husband’s father has an aggressive terminal cancer. My father in law doesn’t want to tell anyone and I am supposed to not say anything. The only reason I know is because we live with him. When I was speaking to my mom on the phone I burst out crying and had to tell her, and I had another burst out crying event where I told a friend. I told my husband this and he is rightfully furious with me. :( not sure what I can do to make it right...

like

If anyone has experience with a SO sending money overseas to family members and is not okay with it, how did you find a resolution?

I know there is going to be a lot of details that may polarize people so without airing all of my personal details I will say… these woman do not work, have no plans to work, are 15 years my senior, and are living an upper middle class life.

like

Need some help staying positive and not going down a resentment hole ...now that I’m nearing 30 I feel this biological pressure to speed up my path to babies, which logically I think is stupid. Con’t.

like

Ladies how do you manage your relationship when your spouse holds you to what you promised you would do before you got married but then you realize you can’t do it. I had promised my husband I would fast with him for an entire day on a specific religious holiday, but when I did for the first time I had stomach pains, headache, and nausea. I told him I can’t do it for that long again but he said “we’ll see, you just need to push through”.

like

Do you find that you have little patience for texting on the dating apps? I find myself trading texts for a couple of days and then ready to either talk, meet or move on. Little interest in providing daily updates to a stranger or keeping up with a chat box within an app on my phone. Wondering if I need to be more patient.

like

Can I just say WFH on my period has been an absolute game changer...I never want to go into an office feeling bloated or crampy or worried about leaking. Now I can sit at my desk with a heating pad in my pjs, this is the life 🥰

likefunnyupliftingsmart

Somewhat Deloitte specific, but the Deloitte bowl is mean so posting here

I’m up for promotion this year, and I’ve been working so hard and my feedback is amazing and I’ve wanted this for awhile. Now, an immediate relative is actively dying and I may go out on a short leave, and I also have some PTO planned so that I can visit family oversees later this fall. With all that’s happening, I’m not going to hit my 90% utilization target, which is a checkbox in my promo. (cont).

likehelpful

Have any of you ladies managed to get over an ex after being hung up on them for years? My ex and I broke up two years ago but I still think about him every day. We live in different countries and he’s now married - I’ve tried multiple therapists, changing cities, traveling loads, throwing myself into work, dating, self help books, you name it. While the pain has become much more bearable, it’s never gone away. Will it ever?

like

How do you all date as consultants?! Where do you find men? Do you go on dates while traveling?

like

Just started Swimlabs swim classes for my kids. How many classes will my 5 year olds need before they can swim? Is this something I have to do for years?

like

I recently decided to slow down communication with one woman on my team because she is constantly trying to have social conversations about her personal life/beliefs and it was super distracting. She noticed that I had been responding less and completely went off on me!!! Why are people like this? This woman is close to 40 and I am 2 years out of college. Is this behavior normal/has this happened to anyone else before? I swear I feel like I’m in middle school again.

like

I just got a dog from a rescue. The foster was incredibly helpful. Is a gift appropriate?

like

Hi Ladies! Does anyone have a recommendation for a good PCP? Thanks in advance!

like

Women who had kids on their 40s, what are your regrets? I'm finally pregnant after many failed attempts and sadness. Now that im pregnant I'm flipping out. Do you travel still or feel like you no longer have a life or freedom? Having alot of anxiety and not happy about how old I am having them.

like

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the
Fishbowl app

See what’s happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

A phone with Fishbowl app

Send download link to your phone

OR

Scan your QR code to download
Fishbowl app on your mobile

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Messaging rates may apply

Download app

Sign up for free to view this conversation on Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Already have an account? Log in

Sign up for free to continue using Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use(New) and Privacy Policy(New)
Messaging rates may apply

Already have an account? Log in

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal