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Virtual hugs. Pre-marital counseling and a wedding planner were life savers.
“Loss of independence” is a real thing - like you can’t just move to the other side of the world anymore right? But it’s important to focus your attention and energies on what you are gaining - an incredible life partner and extended family community for the rest of your life! Look back - would you have preferred to have faced Covid solo or with him by your side?
It’s behavioral psychology that perceived losses hurt more than perceived gains and folks make irrational decisions because of that. So try your best to zoom out and think about the happy ahead.
Conversation Starter
Thank you for this perspective! I hadn’t thought of it in this way. I was more focused on what I was losing.
Pro
It’s hard to tell with this much information. It could be that wedding planning is stressful and it’s bringing up a lot of issues in what you expected to be a more fun and exciting time. It could be that he’s not the right match for you.
Think about the reasons that you like him and the reasons you decided to marry him in the first place. Are those reasons still true? Is there something missing? What are your fears and are they rational or self-sabotage?
Conversation Starter
Wedding planning while trying to build in COVID contingency plans and helping each set of parents get what they want if there is a necessity for COVID contingency is making us stressed.
Kids - not sure if I’m mentally ready although I’m about to turn 32.
Family time - he likes spending a lot of time with both our families. It’s not that I don’t like our families, I just need some down time / me time to de stress after crazy work weeks and weekends spent wedding venue hunting
Ha are you me? Love my boyfriend but still not ready after enough years that society says I should be. Not excited to get married or even plan to. Idk if him or me but I know he’d be happy to marry me. Also not ready for kids but am in early 30s. No advice just came here to say you are not alone, it’s never too late, and one way or another you will figure this out, just like everything else you’ve done in life to date.
Pro
1. Deprioritize the things that parents and in-laws want for your wedding. You can’t possibly please everyone, and there is a global pandemic right now throwing a wrench in your plans. Give yourself permission to say no if you don’t want to create extra stress for yourself.
2. Do you not want kids / are you undecided / you do want kids but not yet? What does he want? This is obviously a tough issue, and there’s no shame in going to premarital counseling to discuss something like this. There may be a solution that works for both of you, there may not be, but it’s definitely not something that should be ignored.
3. You need to have a serious conversation about family time and boundaries. I have a very similar dynamic in my relationship. My husband considers his siblings to be his best friends and wants to spend a lot of time with them, but I find his family overwhelming. We have discussed the frequency that we visit both of our families. I think my husband’s preference would honestly be to see his family every week for Sunday dinner, plus other occasions in between, but we don’t do that because it puts a lot of strain on me. We have prioritized the family occasions that are most important to him, and I don’t always attend. Again, this may be something that is worth discussing with a therapist.
Conversation Starter
Thank you!
Rising Star
... if you think about marriage as loss of independence... Well then that is the actual issue
Conversation Starter
Thank you for sharing! It helps to know that what I’m feeling isn’t odd.
If it’s maybe the wedding planning causing stress - have you considered eloping?