My girlfriend is always complaining about trivial facts related to her job and working late nights while asking me to take over a lot around the house to the point where roles are imbalanced and I’m contributing well over 50%. I’m also earning 3 times as her and her behavior is taking away my own valuable time that I can either spend towards my job or personal development. Is this a red flag or am I just overreacting? I’m trying to see things from her perspective but just can’t make sense

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Go find yourself an old fashioned southern Christian girl. Problem solved.

likefunny

Speaking as a southern Christian girl, 🤢

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My partner makes a lot more, and he’s a lot more senior and respected whereas I am still very junior and I have to prove myself. The other night, he grocery shopped, and we cooked dinner together. After we were done eating, I sat at my desk and he went to bed, leaving the dishes out for me to wash as he had grocery shopped. I worked until 3:30AM while he was reading about personal development at 10 then fast asleep at 11pm. I cleaned up until 4AM. This is what a 50-50 division of work would look like and it simply does.not.work. When he has big deadlines or if I’m having a quiet day, I would be more than happy to contribute 99%. I see the fact that he is senior and established vs. me super junior a reason to think that right now, I might sometimes need disproportionate support, which I feel bad about but to which there is no alternative. Thoughts?

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No one said 50/50 based on hours of work- we said income is not a factor.
If one person works way more, regardless of income, the other has to step up. Generally these things go in cycles. Or, if you marry someone who will always be crazy busy, you have to figure out if you are willing to do more or if you (together) make enough to hire help.

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Your salary is absolutely, 💯, completely unrelated to this issue.
Let that sink in.
Making more money has no bearing at all in how you split chores unless you are talking about one person leaving off work entirely. And then guess what? You still have to help out!

likehelpful

If my wife made $300K I would suck it up and put out whenever she demanded it even when I have a headache.

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50/50 is not a helpful goal. If your measuring it quantitatively it’s bound to have someone pissed off. Studies have proven (I’ll spend the time to find it if you really need it) that partners often over value their contributions and undervalue their partners. So aiming for 50/50 is likely unrealistic since even if that’s how it is in reality neither part is likely to see it that way.

But IMO salary doesn’t much matter. Whoever has more time can pull some more weight. If you would rather use that time for other personal things think about possibly outsourcing some of the chores.

As for complaining about trivial stuff. It sounds like maybe it’s not trivial to her. Have you asked probing questions to see if there might be more there? Sometimes all we can do is listen and support our loved ones (sometimes with tough love).

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In my house this is officially false. After a 4 day hunger strike by the baby while my wife visited friends my wife’s contributions are 99% in the child care department.

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Only red flag is you, tbh

likefunnyupliftinghelpful

I read that study too. Everyone thinks they contribute more than their spouse

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@VP1 as an ambitious woman let me tell you that if my husband made $360k a year to my $120k a year I would be at home for sure. The kids need a lot of parental attention...not that OP is married with kids. I am ambitious about providing them with love and a healthy and balanced home.

Yes...I understand being a cashier at 45 is a possible outcome. You must be wise with your money and maintain your resume in case you need to continue to earn money. As CPAs we can do that. Start a side business where you do a few tax returns or accounting, or be on the board of different not for profits...don't lose ambition.

...granted we are in the corona work life bowl...and this is OP's significant other, she may not be a CPA...

Are you working less than her? Relationships are a give and take so if you worked more hours hopefully she's do more household chores. You should bring up the division of labor because it's possible she doesn't even realize it's unbalanced (maybe with a list of chores you both do)

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As other folks have said- salary doesn’t matter here. Is she working the same or more hours as you? There needs to be balance and give and take in the relationship. In regard to her complaining about “trivial facts,” it sounds like she is stressed. Is she not allowed to talk this stuff out with you?

There’s a lot more to my story but this reminds me of the end of my relationship with my ex, where I left because whether or not he realized it, he was treating me like I needed to manage the household alone, treated me like his time was more important than mine, and had no respect for my career because he made more money. I also wasn’t allowed to “complain” (aka talk about) any of my thoughts or feelings or stresses.

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Not sure why salary isn’t a consideration. It wouldn’t be if she loved her job but it doesn’t sound like she does. It’s not a “hey I make more than you, so wash the dishes” type of consideration, but I can definitely see how it would be irritating someone in the back of their mind if their partner made much less, complained much more, and contributed less.

That said, you gotta communicate with her, not with us, on what the ultimate solution or goal here is. Do you want to hire someone to say, clean the house weekly? It’s not that expensive and might make you lighten up. Can you go grocery shopping together or something to make it feel like you’re splitting the chores? If you seriously think her job is wearing her out, have you ever asked (nicely!) if she hates it or is looking for a new one?

Talk to her, not to us

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Whatever someone makes don’t matter period. Maybe she’s not at that place in her career or industry to make more. It doesn’t matter. Relationship is a partnership and you are suppose to work together and help each other. She is clearly going through something at work and as a “loving” partner you try to help as much as you can to destress, when and if you will be going through some stressful times She would try to do the same. If it’s not something temporary then you should have a conversation and try to work a solution that would work for both of you. But bringing up salary is just not right “oh I make more there for I deserve to do less around the house” making more doesn’t mean you work harder.. my friend is a nurse who’s constantly on her feet in stressful situations her fiancé is a cyber security consultant who makes 3 times as her and wakes up at 1pm and doesn’t really work to hard. Money is irrelevant. Talk together to each other about you concerns try to find solutions but don’t bring salary into this it’s irrelevant.

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I would say that leveraging your salary for doing less chores is a red flag for her. That’s some selfishness right there. But straight up, worst arguments in my marriage have revolved around perceived inequity in chores. If y’all don’t figure this out now it’s just going to continue.

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My partner makes much more than me and works less so I'm in a similar boat. They pay more towards rent and I feel that the chores are split well. During busy seasons they do more and during my slower times I try to pick it up. It's all give and take. I hate feeling like I can't contribute as much money or time wise but I'm grateful they understand how much work I put into my job. Try to find a way to work together as a team rather than focusing so much on each individual contribution

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You'll be doing 100% of the load when she leaves.

funnylikesmart

Relationships are rarely 50-50. Sometimes they are 30-70, sometimes 90-10. Long term both of you need to chip in and do your best to help out and in the end it will even out to 50-50ish.
The reason this post is wrong is because it comes off more worried about your contribution than the fact that your poor gf sounds exhausted and burnt out. If she's this tired, you should want to help her out, or if you can't then hire help so both of you can get some rest. There is also no such thing as roles in the house, women don't grow up being born to do dishes any more than men do. You guys need to be a team and put your relationship first or this is never gonna workout. Not with this gf or the next. In the future as you get older, all kinds of other things happen from job loss, car accidents, health issues, colic babies etc. Be glad you are both working and are together during this difficult year unlike so many, and do your best to be a better significant other.

likesmart

Hire outside help to do all the things that she asked you to do.

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She’s having a tough time. Help her and support her. Maybe she needs a new job.

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Shit is hard right now. And when you’re probably both spending way more time at home than ever before, chores seem to be taking up MORE time instead of less (EG, more cooking = more shopping and dishes. More wearing the same casual clothes every day = more regular laundry.) Have you discussed? Is she in a bad season of work, or is she having trouble balancing daily activities (potentially a sign of depression)? Can you afford to hire out some of your chores to make it easier on everybody?

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Red flags all over the map. How much more do you need to know? Presumably you’re asking because deep down you know.

Move out now. Ya, people are lonely in Covid times but you’ll meet someone better very soon. Each day maybe is tolerable but clearly this is heading to a train wreck. Just get off the train. That’s what you’re wondering about, no?

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Omg wouldn’t wanna go through tough times with you... good luck to whomever you date

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I’m looking for a boyfriend 😂

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This is not supportive relationship teamwork. You are viewing this as you vs her not you and her vs the problem. Talk about how you both can work together to tackle the issue. (And do not for one second think that because you earn more money that your time is more valuable.)

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Lol everyone blaming OP - maybe it is her...

likesmart

I think it’s how he framed the situation.. “I make more there for I deserve more”

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