My husband (40) and I (40) want another baby. But after witnessing how my husband handled his parental duties with our first (constant complaining, doing the exact opposite of what I asked of him like holding the baby to sleep during sleep training, etc), I do not want to experience the constant fighting again. I learned that this is how he is when things get tough. Any tips on how to navigate this? Anyone else in the same situation?
Sis. He ain’t gonna change. 2 kids is ALOT of work. Take it from someone who knows.
I’m sorry, but why would you try for another child if he has already proved he won’t do his fair share? The proof is in the data! Unless the plan is to get another kid, divorce his ass in a few years and put him on child support?
You might resent him for not trying for another but I can guarantee you will resent him even more with the burden of two children, a household to run and a career to navigate. 0/10 do not recommend. Find the lid for your pot. This man doesn’t sound like the parenting partner for you.
Please don’t buy into the sunk cost fallacy that comes with long term relationships. I know several women in their 40s who would have chosen differently when they were faced with the same choices you’re facing. I want better for you. I left my partner when I realized that my village was doing more for me than he was. And that’s really it for me, the partner you choose in life should at a minimum meet the standards you have for your close friendships. That’s always the baseline for me.
When we had our 2nd, I think my husband wasn’t ready (and he later even said it…) but now 16 months in- I think he loves his 2 little boys! (Older is almost 4).
Despite the want to mother everyone, including our husbands, they aren’t mothers. Try to think if you can put away the need to have him do it your way, and let him find it. I know it’s easier said than done, I’d constantly nag my husband about going to the crying baby too fast/ not going a all- and there was a lot of fighting too. Until I just decided to *try* and let go.
Babies will eventually sleep, will eventually stop waking up at night (tho mind still do occasionally) and it’s such a blessing to see your kid welcome their sibling into the family.
Come up with a plan where he can help around the house, that may not be directly tied to baby but will be a burden off you, or they can ge in charge of the older child while you attend to newborn. Also, they’ll be more experienced now and may not have the same issues as with a first born (if this is in fact for a second- you just mentioned another).
I’m currently trying to convince my husband it’s time for 3rd! Wish me luck ;)
Rising Star
Can you talk to him about it honestly? You seem to be saying this was only an issue in the infant phase- that things are now better? If your husband has since grown into his dad mode, that’s a good thing!! I doubt your husband wants to go back to constant fighting either, so now that you are experienced parents, things may go better the second time around. Especially since you know what the challenges might be - sleep training, etc - so that you can discuss ahead of time.
Rising Star
That's really hard. Is he willing to help more this time? Have you talked about it? Two will be harder than one because you can't just focus on the baby