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Maintaining an active sex life takes work. This is something that is hard for people to understand because when you first meet it is effortless. There are a lot of things my wife and I do to keep things active. This isn’t about “spicing things up” at all, rather it’s about letting each other know we are committed and are both still very attracted to each other. A few things that come to mind:
-We took an online couples class on sex and intimacy that was very detailed. Was a big time commitment but really valuable.
-Getting her off hormonal birth control (that was huge)
-Tracking her fertility cycle and knowing when she will be most in the mood. I’ve had a vasectomy so there’s no risk there.
-We are constantly hugging, touching, kissing and doing things that re-enforce love and affection
-I spend 1-2 evenings a week giving her a full body massage (usually in front of the TV) with no expectation that I am getting sex that night
-We have found the times of day for when it works. Evenings are never good - she is way too exhausted from the day. Best is weekend morning or afternoon after putting the kids in front of the Tv and letting them know “your parents need to rest, only come up if it’s an emergency and if you do come up the TV goes off”
-Lots of open communications in the bedroom. She never fakes it. She is clear about what feels good and what her body wants. I have a good 20-30 minute foreplay routine that gets her warmed up to ensure she enjoys it.
-I never push for sex when her body doesn’t want it.
We’ve gone through dry spells in the past but putting in this work means we reliably have sex 1-2 times a week, and it’s almost always really good sex and really intimate. Younger people here may scoff at those numbers but as someone with two young kids in my 40s having regular intimate sex feels like a great accomplishment. But it takes real commitment and work from both of us.
I'm 29 and very impressed by those numbers! Going to save some of those ideas
Very common. In most cases it goes back to how you look and think about each other outside of bedroom. You may still have love and affection for each other, but attraction and intimacy needs rekindling. If you just met each other and were trying get laid and attract the other person towards you.. how’d you behave? You’d make best effort to look/appear good (dress better, makeup, get fit), provide great company (spend time together, crack jokes, laugh) etc. After marriage many us take this for granted. The more you make an effort to draw each other closer mentally, the better it can get.
This is very common. It’s really hard to maintain a high level of passion and intimacy for years throughout marriage. What starts out as romance can evolve into deep love and friendship, but the sex can fade as a result if you don’t make an effort to keep it alive.
If you aren’t happy with how things are, make sure to address it now when you are having sex this often. It can get a lot worse (trust me). Try some new things to spice it up so that you have something to look forward to. Send each other flirty texts or plan something interesting for your next romp.
Also curious how often you compliment your SOs (not just saying ‘looks good’ but saying - ‘that’s hot/sexy/turns me on’) or out of nowhere initiated intimacy (not necessarily sex) but kisses etc.
This is so important. People forget that even though we are married we still want to feel desired and wanted. Make sure to make your spouses feel sexy!
Also, if there are kids and others in the household it makes a difference. Seeing each other in a new light (new look, new outfit, new place, new talent/skill, new gifts/surprises, new positions in bed etc.) is important. I understand t’s bad timing due to COVID to say ‘just take a vacation to rekindle the romance’.
Rising Star
Question to those rekindling your sex lives years in, do you find yourselves very attracted to your partners or do you have to put in effort to get turned on?
OP and D2 - Many posts here are about similar issues. Also look up ‘dead bedroom’ on reddit
I hate dead bedrooms. At least from the time I’ve spent on it I found it promoted a very fixed view on sexuality “my SO is low libido therefore...” My attitude has been much more about what can I do to up my wife’s libido. It would have been very easy to get into the dead bedrooms pity party when we went through a dry spell, and instead we have a very positive and happy sex life.
Enthusiast
Biggest thing is to ensure that whatever the case, the cadence is aligned between the two of you. It becomes a *huge* problem when it’s not.
Me. Been married for 6 years. We love each other and he’s the best but I can’t remember the last time we had sex :(
Read mating in captivity
Enthusiast
Is sex important to you and your husband? Are you concerned or bothered that it’s not happening more frequently?