My husband and I are going to start trying soon and are trying to get on the same page regarding childcare. I suggested daycare but my husband says he absolutely doesn’t want a “stranger” watching our child. Instead, he wants our moms to watch our child. My mom doesn’t have the best health and can’t really be relied on so that leaves his mom. I’ve said for years that I don’t want our moms to be our childcare. Is there a way to compromise here? Any idea that’s not a parent = stranger to him 😩

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Wait until you see some of the crazy stuff grandmas do with babies - “I did it with you and you turned out fine!” That might change his mind.

But seriously, full time childcare is a no joke job. Ask your husband to tour a few daycares with you - it might change his mind to see their protocols and curriculums.

likehelpfulfunny

Yes. This. I keep telling my mom what is important for my baby and she does what she wants anyway. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but the number of times I woke up with my 2 month old baby covered in blankets and pillows when I was visiting - after I'd put her to sleep in a bassinet in my room without those things - was way too uncomfortable for me

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Does his mom really want to watch a baby 40-45 hours a week? It’s wayyyyy more work than he realizes. Also grandmas can be flakey AF - they offer to watch the baby but then when the reality of a fussy baby sets in, the excuses start flowing on why they can’t watch the baby anymore. Or they continue to watch the baby and are super lazy about it - pop the baby in front of the TV for 8 hours with endless food....

I’d go with proper childcare for the reasons above. My husband is a stay at home dad for a few years while we have littles if that’s an option. Or maybe an au pair?

My experience with grandmas is no bueno LOL.

likehelpfulsmartfunny

We have a nice hybrid situation, our child is in daycare M/W/F and then with grandparents the two other days. It works really nicely as a balance.

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I would never expect my mother to care for my child! My mother has her own life and she’s raised her own kids already. Be realistic and pay for a nanny

likehelpful

My friends who’ve done nanny shares have loved the experience!

Daycares have so many fun activities and they’re really fun. My daughter loves going there every day (she’s 20months, started at 7mo). Lots of interaction with other kids, outdoor areas, some animals.. Your kid would be really bored at home with MIL, or even with you to be honest. It’s so hard to entertain the little ones! Another option is to have MIL help the first few months, then switch to daycare. Even if she calls your bluff now, she’ll become VERY supportive of daycare quickly. Another perspective is you’re lucky to have some options. I don’t have family around so when baby’s too sick to go to daycare life becomes a chaos. Keeping MIL as a backup option for such days (and weekends, to give you some space) could be a nice compromise and maybe your husband might agree to this mid-way solution?

likehelpful

I’ll second this! My daughter has been in daycare since 9 weeks old (former employer had crap leave), and she met her best friend in the infant class. She has loved all her teachers (and so have we), learned things I’d had never thought to teach her, and has started kindergarten reading at a 1st/2nd grade level…which is way more than I think she would have achieved at home. We wish we had grandparents around for the sick days or random holidays that the daycare has…maybe that could become part of your plan?

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Highly recommend having your husband plan to do some of his pat leave alone (e.g. without you helping).

I had no idea how taxing taking care of a child was and I would never ask someone to do it for me for 40-50 hrs per week unpaid.

likesmarthelpful

Lol yes. My husband did this as well and I also recommend it! I think it’s eye opening for them but also it definitely made my husband more in-tune with our baby and more confident in his dad skills.

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I will admit I said the same thing (“I don’t want a stranger watching my child”) at some point in my young 20’s, pre-kids when I didn’t really know want I was talking about. But then you do your childcare research (and talk to local mom friends or coworkers) and you find a place that you feel good about. Could be a daycare facility, an in-home daycare, or a nanny. We went with a daycare / preschool that had infants through pre-K. And the director and teachers most definitely weren’t strangers after a while. They will love and care for your child. I think it would truly hurt a daycare provider or nanny to be thought of as a stranger! Sure, your child will only have one mom and one dad, but he/she can have lots of people who love him/her! Even someone you haven’t even met yet.

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Took the words right out of my mouth — this, exactly! Our 3 year old has adored all her caregivers.

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My MIL said she wanted to watch out baby full time. After she saw/remembered how much work it is, she decided that 4 hours one morning a week was enough. 1.5 hour of that the baby was napping. Grandmas really don’t make good full time daycare. My mom watches my toddler about 12 hours a week (2 6 hour days, 2.5 of those hours my toddler naps.).

likehelpful

Lol good to know! My mom has been a super dedicated grandma to my 11 nieces and nephews and would spend like 30-40 hours per week watching up to 4 kids at a time. I’ve been pretty upset at times with my sisters for putting her in that position but really not sure how MIL would be. Don’t think she’s been around a baby in like 30 years.

That won’t work well.
One, you might want to raise your child differently. I say this bc I’m a FTM (delivered in June) and have my mum with me to help, and we’ve had a few differences in opinion already lol
Two, they’re old too and it’s tough for them to hold newborns (newborns LOVE being held all the time and can be heavy) and when I need a break my mum holds him for me but she has a lot of aches and pains which I don’t want her to go through
They’ve good intentions but for full time care I would consider daycare/ nanny (I’m looking for a nanny as I type this out lol)

likehelpful

All good points! I think we’ll just do more research and I won’t be taking his opinion too seriously until he does more research and is more educated on the topic. Good luck with your search!

A nanny? It’s a stranger at first but you get to know them really fast and your kiddo is at home.

likehelpful

Get pregnant, get on a daycare center list or two, then revisit at 1-2 months postpartum or later depending on your maternity leave. You both will have a totally different perspective at that point and because you got on a few lists, you will have options. You will also have a chance to see what it’s like for grandma to spend a days or two with baby. She will also have a different perspective.

likehelpful

I didn’t want large day care but I was blessed to find an in home day care that feels like going to grandmas. My girl has been there since 3mo and we absolutely love them. Has been an amazing blessing to have them during all the stress this past year. My daughter was only home for 1 month due to our exposure so had to quarantine.

Maybe that could work? A smaller place that feels more ‘homey’ that you start looking for now and build the relationship early? I met with mine when I was 6 month pregnant so they have literally know my daughter her whole life.

likehelpful

Both my daughters were at a daycare center (KinderCare) since the infant room. They love it and so do we. I was not comfortable with the in-home daycares. Go tour some without your husband and the bring him back to the one you like as an option. You will know right when you walk in if you like the place or not. It is a stressful and emotional process to tour because you have you think about leaving your baby somewhere (which is hard regardless of the place at first) and taking him with you may do more harm than good. That’s what I did and we are on year 7 with kids at the same center ❤️

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Maybe your husband should just be a stay at home parent if he is feels strongly about strangers not watching your child.

To be honest, my husband and I are expecting and we still have no idea who or how the kids will be watched. Thank goodness we still have 7 months to figure that out

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I definitely suggested it but ended up saying we need to do more research before ruling all but one option out!

Good luck figuring it out!

I hate this argument. News flash: we deal with "strangers" every day of our lives. And eventually they aren't strangers anymore. Once kids go to school, the first day is full of strangers. And then they becomes friends or a favorite teacher or a cool principal. Then we have our first job and strangers. And then they becomes a co-worker who's also a friend and a boss who is pretty decent. "Strangers" aren't "raising" your kid. Parents raise their kids to be able to accept new people into their lives and becomes comfortable in new situations.

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Let your husband tour a few good daycares and talk to some friends that have sent their kids to daycare and see if that changes his mind.

I let my mom watch my son for almost 2 years, and there are many things that my husband did not like. For example, my mom would let my son watch cartoons on iPad while she’s busy cooking or doing other things; she spoon feeds him because he ate too slowly on his own or he made a mess eating…and this was while we were trying very hard to let him learn how to feed himself independently; she basically helped my son do everything while we were trying to guide him do things on his own.

We sent him to daycare right when he turned two even during the pandemic, and it was the best decision ever. At daycare, they offer so many activities - artwork, singing, outdoor play time, and my son can be playing with others. Way better than spending 8+ hours a day playing with toys by himself and with grandma basically helping him do everything.

likehelpful

A professional child care provider is much better than a grandparent. If you find the right place - It's their career. It's what they are trained to do. It's their passion.

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You might want to casually mention to your MIL that her son offered her up to do a 50+ hr a week full time job for free. Pretty sure you won't have to do much "convincing" after that. She'll shut that down quick for you!

funny

Haha could be a good route! I’d just be scared she’d call my bluff

Why? I'm team grandma for the first 2 years.

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A multitude of reasons! Don’t have the energy to fully explain but I did explain a bit above. Trust me when I say I’m definitely not team grandma and have had this stance for years.

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I just want to say get on a daycare waitlist now or MIL might be your only option. A lot of the good ones around me have waitlists of 18 months-2 years for infants so you have to get on the list like a year before you conceive. We also have a serious nanny shortage now bc of the pandemic.

I agree with you and all the other posters that MIL is probably a bad option for full time but great for weekends and back up care- kids get sick constantly and centers close a lot for teacher training, spring break, or nannies need days off for vacation, appts, etc.
I also think nanny or in home care is great the first 1-2 years but then they get bored and daycare does lots of great activities, socialization, and kindergarten prep.

Good luck!

likehelpful

Thank you for the advice! My worry is definitely not planning ahead enough and being stuck with the one option I really don’t want

So many great perspectives here!! The only thing I’ll add is that I think it speaks very well of you to have discussed this BEFORE you start trying — lotta millennial dads out there who are all about Doing Everything Equally but when push comes to shove they don’t have a mental model for how that works, and it all collapses once kids arrive.

It might also be a good opportunity to get some counseling together — I went early on with my husband because I was like “this relationship rules; I want to protect it” and really prefer using therapy/counseling as a preventative measure. Can be really valuable to have a third party who knows how to navigate tough stuff, if everyone is on board.

likehelpful

Yes, absolutely agree!! I am on a waitlist for sessions to discuss everything related to kids and setting boundaries!

smart

My parents are in their 70s and even on part time off it’s a lot for someone that age. It also creates factions in the relationships. My advice: Hire a nanny or look for part time daycare and supplement parents as needed to fill the holes. A plug for daycare, my daughter loves seeing her friends at school and has social engagements! We do 3 days of daycare and 1 day a week of family help.

likehelpful

Thank you for your insight! My parents are older but MIL is early 50s but I understand what you’re saying!

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