{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My husband and I get along great on the weekends - we are amazing cohosts, we love to go out together, we find eachother compelling and charming. We also do well in “emergencies” - when one of us is sick or we a specific tough issues. But it feels like every weeknight is a tense and unpleasant chore of “who will make this decision about dinner/tv/how much time we should spend together in the evening vs doing our own thing” and I just feel like I can’t stand him only to be in love again Friday…", "post_id": "6170336da9e998002dc5a82f", "reply_count": 17, "vote_count": 8, "bowl_id": "616d882e7889c60027944c3e", "bowl_name": "Relationship Advice: Ask Dr. Rachel" }

My husband and I get along great on the weekends - we are amazing cohosts, we love to go out together, we find eachother compelling and charming. We also do well in “emergencies” - when one of us is sick or we a specific tough issues. But it feels like every weeknight is a tense and unpleasant chore of “who will make this decision about dinner/tv/how much time we should spend together in the evening vs doing our own thing” and I just feel like I can’t stand him only to be in love again Friday…

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Make a schedule about dinner choice. That’s an easy one. Tv and time may be tougher based on work day/ how much work there is

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I agree with your point that at the core of this is something deeper than merely the logistics of dinner. It’s the modern day challenge of two people who are stretched thin, within a culture that valorizes overworking. Saying yes to more weekday ease with each other means saying no to something else demanding your energy. And it has gotten to the point in the US where it takes courage to set limits at work in order to better support our most precious relationships.

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Sounds like maybe you guys are stressed out and one or both of you gets snappy when you're stressed. My husband and I are basically roommates during the week and get back to liking each other over the weekend.

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Wow, I’m incredibly glad to hear I’m not the only one like this

I guess I just want to say, this is not really about dinner. Dinner is an example. It is about some kind of underlying thing about our weekday interactions vs our weekend interactions - even when dinner is good or easy, the evening just feels tense and irritable.

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For us, we are similar… we are stressed and tense during the week. My husband is exhausted from waking at 6am to drive an hour to work, work many hours, drive an hour home, work more from home, and then it’s go go go with kid stuff and dinner & then we watch TV without connecting at all. The good nights are when we avoid the TV entirely and instead sit with a card game or on the porch with beer/tea and just talk, or listen to music and read together…. Where we feel more connected and like we are really there together vs zoning out on TV while still stressed by our day and the next day coming

likeuplifting

Have you tried couples and/or individual therapy? Sometimes having an outside person to talk to can really help uncover what the underlying cause is so you can see what you want to do to address it.

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Are you both working from home? I’ve realized that while I don’t miss my commute time it did serve as a good decompression zone and allowed me to get some of my own time. My fiancé and I are both WFH and it took me a while go realize his headphones being on after the work day were okay - we just can’t go straight from work to home life. If you haven’t already, maybe set aside some “commute” time each evening before you really start interacting and expecting time with each other to see if that helps aid in the transition from work to home - it’s hard to be “on” all the time.

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I agree with this. My partner comes home before I’m done with my workday and when I emerge from my office I’m just not ready to jump into relationship mode. After multiple times of me being crabby we’ve discussed that I need some transition time first and he’s been okay with that.

make a schedule for dinner. A friend I know cooks dinner during all the weekdays one week. Then his wife cooks dinner during all the weekdays the next. Not sure what they do on weekends but must be combination of eating out vs cooking

Sounds like you need to outsource dinner, and/or perhaps do dinner together only every other day?

We have tried EVERYTHING related to dinner stuff lol. Trading off cooking, outsourcing cooking, trading off decision, not eating together most night, and it just never works. Both of us get annoyed with the other persons decisions, how it impacts our diets, if we like the food enough, if it was at the right time, blah blah blah blah.

I agree with SA1, for a long time I felt bad if I didn’t make dinner and honestly my SO loves being able to make himself hotdogs that i rarely cook. But other than that, can you guys just agree this is a bit of a pain point but to give each other grace as you try to figure out what works best? When we are busy, I’ll just prep a bunch of ingredients (chicken, some veggies, rice) and then we can each mix and match to make what we want.

In my case, mostly we divide the house work equally (may be he cuts and I cook or do it together), do cleaning, shopping together. Sometimes this doesn’t work so the other person owns the work but then prior helps extra in other work to compensate. To gain efficiency, we cook bulk meals to get some relief every other day, Not sure if it will work in your case. If it’s too much office work, then try to get some work life balance

Ubereats will solve your problems

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