My husband and I have had problems for years. He used to basically give me next to no affection, our sex life barely existed (incl. his absolute refusal to do foreplay … ever!) and his general dismissal of anything I enjoyed (my hobbies were boring to him). Over the last year I just gave up trying and accepted we may need to divorce. Now he is trying a lot- he puts in a lot of effort. While a few years ago this would have made me happy I feel like it’s too little too late, I just don’t care ..

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It’s exactly how I feel. After a decade or longer of being with a wife in a similar position (no affection, narcissistic, workaholic, no sex hair-trigger very bad temper, always complaining) she is now trying. And while 10+ years ago, if she had acted this way, we would likely be in a much better place, now, it just all falls flat. To rebuild will take her (and me) both reinvesting so much - ie well beyond what she has recently started to do - and i just don’t know if I have it left in me, and spending a decade holding our family together through will. Not sure if she has it in her, either, as it would require deep acknowledgement apology and more.

@OP freeze your eggs to secure freedom in taking your time finding the right one. Good luck with everything, it sounds like you know what the right next step is.

OP, I’m so sorry this is happening. But I think you’ve realized that your worth the time and effort, especially in a marriage, to get what you want as well. The only reason that he’s making an effort is because he thinks he’s going to lose you, that’s a little too late. Depending on how you feel as far as relationships go, start preparing yourself for the next. But get your financial house in order because if there’s going to be a divorce, you need to be sure that you’re taking care of you. Find yourself a good lawyer and get on with your life.

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Marriage is difficult. It requires work, and happiness is neither the goal nor objective, and is certainly not guaranteed.

I read a lot on here about people who feel like put upon victims in their relationship. No one ever shares what they might have done that brought them to the point of divorce. Rather, everyone is a perfect spouse who married a super villain.

OP, the solipsism in your post suggests you played a bigger role in getting to where you are than you’re letting on.

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Amen.. and on that note of not wasting time on things that serve no purpose, thank you and goodbye M1

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Yes it’s pretty scary

I come from a family of zero divorces so feels like a bit of a failure; but, spoke to my sister and mother and they both really supported me in doing whatever I needed to be happy. I say this because sometimes we incorrectly assume things about how others will judge us.

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Divorces should really be seen as the opposite of failure! You are being brave for standing up for yourself and leaving

I’ve had similar experience with an ex though we weren’t married and our issues were different. When I asked to break up, he all the sudden started doing the things I asked him to do for years. At the time I felt bad and let the relationship dragged on. Thinking back, the fact that he started doing all the things I wanted just means that he knew exactly what I needed all along and he was just trying to see what he could get away with. And when I asked to break up, he knew he went too far. Why would I want to be with someone with the mindset of wanting to invest as little as possible in a relationship? We deserve better.

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I feel like it’s over. Is this unfair of me?

Yes we have spoken about it so many times - usually he would just deflect or blame me for doing something. To be honest it’s pointless even taking over the past- what’s done is done; It’s not reparable

Did the sexual incompatibility issue and the dismissal issue only come up after getting married?

No I think it was there before, but I wanted to be together so I ignored warning signs. He would usually have an excuse (like he was super busy with work), but as years have gone on, I realise it’s just that- an excuse.

Even with the bad sex life, I could perhaps still live with the marriage, but there is so much more that’s wrong that there really is not point trying anymore.

I went through the same experience. Currently divorcing. Good luck, OP.

Going through divorce now too. Same, feel husband is only trying now b/c I am walking.

Better to break it now than later. Sorry to hear and good luck, OP!

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