My husband is amazing and very caring and showers me with a lot of love. However our sex life is non existent. Context we have been living together for 3 years and got married recently. There were some tragic family losses during covid last year and that took a toll on our intimate life. He says he is very attracted to me but he is in a high pressure job (banker) & is very tired all the time. We used to atleast have sex once a week till few months back but now it’s like we never have time.

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Don't pressure. Don't nag. Ask for 1 weekend a month of his time. Not time that he sleeps in. Not time that he's studying at home instead of working late. Not time that is diluted by a football game on TV. Not tik tok doom scroll time. Just one weekend a month where its the two of you together spending quality time. Do your part to get a bit dressed up (nice lounge wear is fine), have some groceries at home with a fun recipe to cook together, house is clean enough, and just spend quality time.
Most men who are well rested, well fed, and free will not last long before jumping on their wife. If after a few months you still see no change, then you've either got bigger problems (cheating, divorce, therapy) or an asexual relationship.


This is great advice. Also recommend considered going out or even a staycation if you need to get him out of his comfort zone and rut.


Honestly y’all both should get into separate therapy. (Coming from someone in therapy who sees it as amazing). Also, put effort into not being controlling it seems like that’s really bothering him.


I lost my dad about 6 months ago (to Covid). It felt like a gut punch far greater than expected and it’s changed me as a person. I can say I’m a different partner than I was before and I’m majorly working through the grief as it shows up (and it shows up in many ways). Ask your husband if he needs anything (even if he doesn’t need anything, the asking helps), do super sweet things that are unexpected for him, plan a trip (even somewhere close) to break the on-going loop in his head, etc.. Sometimes when you need something the most and your partner isn’t giving it to you is the time you need to double down and support them, chances are, he’s struggling. Good luck!


I honestly don’t know what to do. He says I am very demanding and he gets no time to even think about being intimate - like I’d say we should go to the gym, or eat healthy or keep the house clean etc. I understand I’m probably asking for too much in a lot of departments.

We met in college and became really good friends. Initially I did not even think it was possible that I’d date him since he is super different from the guys I’d previously dated. But he was so nice and always there for me and smart that I grew to really like him. However I think somewhere I felt I was the settler, if I’m being super honest, and i think I didn’t treat hi super well. It was also because I had started taking hormonal birth control pills at the time and was really losing my mind and would shout and cry without any reason.

Anyhow after college we moved to a different city and the fights continued but the love in between the fights was so intense that we never thought of breaking up. During this time he lost his mom to covid and that changed everything. I obviously wanted to be super understanding and thankfully I was also off birth control pills by then because it wasn’t suiting my mental health, which helped me be a much much better spouse.

Anyway I feel even though he loves me a lot and I love him a lot I just feel we have too much bad blood. Sometimes I’ll say one small thing and he will say I only care about myself, I’m super self centered and I cannot see beyond myself.

Long story short - he says he cannot have sex unless we have some perfectly happy days. And that just never happens. I’m so so so tired of this cycle.

Sorry for this huge rant, but I don’t know if anyone went through something similar :(


Ya. Just make it and offer it. But don't follow up or force. If not, those are leftovers for you for tomorrow. After a few weeks of eating like crap, you'll see him agree to having whatever you are making.
Control is about choice. If he feels he has a choice in the matter, then he won't feel controlled. Otherwise even the sweetest kindest most well meaning gestures feel controlling.
When he does wise up and change his perspective, ask him to help you come up with the meal plan to incorporate things he likes. Or have him pick out his cheat day and you go to brunch with the gals / spa / shopping /me time that day instead.


He may be depressed or still grieving loss of his Mom still. Losing a parent is tough and people grieve in different ways. May be he does need some space. Perhaps he needs some therapy to help him deal with things.

Also, you mentioned you are driving the food choices and various other aspects of life. Perhaps try to allow him some control over those. May be incorporate his choices.


OP: Your husband needs therapy, and yes, I and husband have been through this phase and therapy helped us so much. It’s been 15 years of good strong marriage with kids but few years back we were in a similar situation. Find therapist for your husband (mine did not find one for himself so I found one for him) and gently ask him to get the help. Slow building frustration and cracks sometimes manifests as anger, bitter words etc which we don’t really mean. It seems you both love each other and have good things going for you, get professional help for your husband.


You honestly sound like you are controlling and nagging too much.

If he is truly your partner and he is working a stupid number of hours, why are you asking him to help with all the chores? Can you talk to him instead about hiring a cleaning service or outsourcing some other chores (like using instacart for groceries)?

If he thinks you are monitoring his food by only cooking healthy food - can you ask him what he wants you to put on the grocery list?

If he thinks you are pushing him to go to the gym, change your approach. “Hey babe, I’m going to the gym in an hour- do you want to come with me?” And when he says no, just say okay and go do your thing.

I’m not sure what else you are fighting about, but I’d look into that too. It takes two to fight, but all you can really do is fix your part of the equation and see if that helps your marriage.

In terms of intimacy - I’d recommend trying a night away or even looking at morning sex with him, before the stress of the day.


There has obviously been of going on in your lives but I have a couple questions.

1) For the things like eating healthy, working out, cleaning, etc. Do you feel like you’re projecting your health, fitness or general goals on him?
2) You mentioned the settling thing - do you feel like he is less attractive/overweight than you deserve? It seems like a lot of the things you share you focus on gym, carbs, etc may feel like you are critical of his looks which doesn’t make him feel too sexy.

Maybe try a few things to change the tone - make sure to compliment him so he knows you are attracted to him too. If you cook for him add in his favorite dessert or a good sandwich or something that doesn’t feel like a diet. In some of the ways you describe what you do for him it does seem like you’re doing it for your reasons Vs helping home. IE if you said if I don’t cook for him he doesn’t eat lunch it feels like you are helping him but cooking so he doesn’t eat lot of carbs seems more like a diet tactic.

When I met my now husband he was a sportsperson and I admired how fit he was. For me, on. the other hand being healthy has always been a struggle - I’ve had pcos and thyroid for the last 10 years and choosing a healthy lifestyle is honestly my only option.

My husband over the last 2 years has gained a ton of weight. He says it’s because of the work stress and the stress of living up to my expectations :(

1) I think you are right. I’m definitely projecting my health and fitness goals on him. But it’s not just that - it’s also because I think he is ruining his fitness.

2) initially when we started dating I felt I was settling down - that’s because he is very earthly and is sometimes not appreciated for that, I on the other hand had lots of people interested in me. But truly I don’t feel that way anymore - he is the best thing that happened to me and that’s why I’m so conflicted. I love him but I also need some attention esp the lack of physical intimacy is killing me.

I think he is the nicest and smartest person I know. He is very very self sufficient and doesn’t get impacted by others as much. He is just a happy content soul. :)


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