My husband is amazing and very caring and showers me with a lot of love. However our sex life is non existent. Context we have been living together for 3 years and got married recently. There were some tragic family losses during covid last year and that took a toll on our intimate life. He says he is very attracted to me but he is in a high pressure job (banker) & is very tired all the time. We used to atleast have sex once a week till few months back but now it’s like we never have time.

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at

Don't pressure. Don't nag. Ask for 1 weekend a month of his time. Not time that he sleeps in. Not time that he's studying at home instead of working late. Not time that is diluted by a football game on TV. Not tik tok doom scroll time. Just one weekend a month where its the two of you together spending quality time. Do your part to get a bit dressed up (nice lounge wear is fine), have some groceries at home with a fun recipe to cook together, house is clean enough, and just spend quality time.
Most men who are well rested, well fed, and free will not last long before jumping on their wife. If after a few months you still see no change, then you've either got bigger problems (cheating, divorce, therapy) or an asexual relationship.

likehelpful

This is great advice. Also recommend considered going out or even a staycation if you need to get him out of his comfort zone and rut.

like

Honestly y’all both should get into separate therapy. (Coming from someone in therapy who sees it as amazing). Also, put effort into not being controlling it seems like that’s really bothering him.

like

I lost my dad about 6 months ago (to Covid). It felt like a gut punch far greater than expected and it’s changed me as a person. I can say I’m a different partner than I was before and I’m majorly working through the grief as it shows up (and it shows up in many ways). Ask your husband if he needs anything (even if he doesn’t need anything, the asking helps), do super sweet things that are unexpected for him, plan a trip (even somewhere close) to break the on-going loop in his head, etc.. Sometimes when you need something the most and your partner isn’t giving it to you is the time you need to double down and support them, chances are, he’s struggling. Good luck!

like

I honestly don’t know what to do. He says I am very demanding and he gets no time to even think about being intimate - like I’d say we should go to the gym, or eat healthy or keep the house clean etc. I understand I’m probably asking for too much in a lot of departments.

We met in college and became really good friends. Initially I did not even think it was possible that I’d date him since he is super different from the guys I’d previously dated. But he was so nice and always there for me and smart that I grew to really like him. However I think somewhere I felt I was the settler, if I’m being super honest, and i think I didn’t treat hi super well. It was also because I had started taking hormonal birth control pills at the time and was really losing my mind and would shout and cry without any reason.

Anyhow after college we moved to a different city and the fights continued but the love in between the fights was so intense that we never thought of breaking up. During this time he lost his mom to covid and that changed everything. I obviously wanted to be super understanding and thankfully I was also off birth control pills by then because it wasn’t suiting my mental health, which helped me be a much much better spouse.


Anyway I feel even though he loves me a lot and I love him a lot I just feel we have too much bad blood. Sometimes I’ll say one small thing and he will say I only care about myself, I’m super self centered and I cannot see beyond myself.

Long story short - he says he cannot have sex unless we have some perfectly happy days. And that just never happens. I’m so so so tired of this cycle.

Sorry for this huge rant, but I don’t know if anyone went through something similar :(

like

Ya. Just make it and offer it. But don't follow up or force. If not, those are leftovers for you for tomorrow. After a few weeks of eating like crap, you'll see him agree to having whatever you are making.
Control is about choice. If he feels he has a choice in the matter, then he won't feel controlled. Otherwise even the sweetest kindest most well meaning gestures feel controlling.
When he does wise up and change his perspective, ask him to help you come up with the meal plan to incorporate things he likes. Or have him pick out his cheat day and you go to brunch with the gals / spa / shopping /me time that day instead.

like

He may be depressed or still grieving loss of his Mom still. Losing a parent is tough and people grieve in different ways. May be he does need some space. Perhaps he needs some therapy to help him deal with things.

Also, you mentioned you are driving the food choices and various other aspects of life. Perhaps try to allow him some control over those. May be incorporate his choices.

like

OP: Your husband needs therapy, and yes, I and husband have been through this phase and therapy helped us so much. It’s been 15 years of good strong marriage with kids but few years back we were in a similar situation. Find therapist for your husband (mine did not find one for himself so I found one for him) and gently ask him to get the help. Slow building frustration and cracks sometimes manifests as anger, bitter words etc which we don’t really mean. It seems you both love each other and have good things going for you, get professional help for your husband.

like

You honestly sound like you are controlling and nagging too much.

If he is truly your partner and he is working a stupid number of hours, why are you asking him to help with all the chores? Can you talk to him instead about hiring a cleaning service or outsourcing some other chores (like using instacart for groceries)?

If he thinks you are monitoring his food by only cooking healthy food - can you ask him what he wants you to put on the grocery list?

If he thinks you are pushing him to go to the gym, change your approach. “Hey babe, I’m going to the gym in an hour- do you want to come with me?” And when he says no, just say okay and go do your thing.

I’m not sure what else you are fighting about, but I’d look into that too. It takes two to fight, but all you can really do is fix your part of the equation and see if that helps your marriage.

In terms of intimacy - I’d recommend trying a night away or even looking at morning sex with him, before the stress of the day.

like

There has obviously been of going on in your lives but I have a couple questions.

1) For the things like eating healthy, working out, cleaning, etc. Do you feel like you’re projecting your health, fitness or general goals on him?
2) You mentioned the settling thing - do you feel like he is less attractive/overweight than you deserve? It seems like a lot of the things you share you focus on gym, carbs, etc may feel like you are critical of his looks which doesn’t make him feel too sexy.

Maybe try a few things to change the tone - make sure to compliment him so he knows you are attracted to him too. If you cook for him add in his favorite dessert or a good sandwich or something that doesn’t feel like a diet. In some of the ways you describe what you do for him it does seem like you’re doing it for your reasons Vs helping home. IE if you said if I don’t cook for him he doesn’t eat lunch it feels like you are helping him but cooking so he doesn’t eat lot of carbs seems more like a diet tactic.

When I met my now husband he was a sportsperson and I admired how fit he was. For me, on. the other hand being healthy has always been a struggle - I’ve had pcos and thyroid for the last 10 years and choosing a healthy lifestyle is honestly my only option.

My husband over the last 2 years has gained a ton of weight. He says it’s because of the work stress and the stress of living up to my expectations :(

1) I think you are right. I’m definitely projecting my health and fitness goals on him. But it’s not just that - it’s also because I think he is ruining his fitness.

2) initially when we started dating I felt I was settling down - that’s because he is very earthly and is sometimes not appreciated for that, I on the other hand had lots of people interested in me. But truly I don’t feel that way anymore - he is the best thing that happened to me and that’s why I’m so conflicted. I love him but I also need some attention esp the lack of physical intimacy is killing me.

I think he is the nicest and smartest person I know. He is very very self sufficient and doesn’t get impacted by others as much. He is just a happy content soul. :)

like

Related Posts

That moment of silence after your date asks you if you travel much and you haven't told her what you do...

like

So is testing (Covid and antibodies) widely available now or do I still have to be referred through a doctor?

like

A COVID biography. Chapter 1.

Post Photo
likefunny

Getting into the military helped my feeling of abandonment due to my father's absence. It sounds funny, but being in the military showed me another type of parenthood that I needed.

like

Usually I try to live in the moment, but other times things come to mind from the past that make my life feel like it could be a soap opera. For example, I crushed on a guy from school for a few years, and one night as a young adult, found us both drunk alone in my apartment. A few months later he texted me and said he just got married at the courthouse and that I should be in the wedding party when covid was over. It shouldve happened by now but it hasnt yet…👀🙂

likefunny

How much money have you been spending on food each week during covid?

like

Has anyone been able to get a leftover COVID vaccine by hanging around a Walgreens / Duane Reade during closing time?

funnylikehelpful

I was grabbing lunch & a beer at the airport by myself and got approached by an absolute stunner who asked to sit down and have a beer with me (I have never in my life even been asked out). We got along super well, shared socials at the end when it was time for her flight, and we’re still messaging.

I am absolutely smitten but we live in different continents (NA, EU) and I don’t know how to pursue this. Anyone here know of similar stories?

likefunny

I work for a Fortune 500 company, publicly traded. It has no maternity leave, 6 holidays. No sick days (must use PTO). Total of 15 PTO. No summer hours. Is this the worst benefit you see out there? (I also want to add that we are required to go back to the office now even with Covid number increasing)

like

When you have personal international travel, do you usually buy international health insurance coverage? I'm abroad already and only have my work UNH plan

like

Unusually high number of hot guys on my flight and sitting next one. May accidentally fall asleep on his shoulders and squeeze his biceps. 👬

like

Any advice for asking to work from home?
I started my job just over a month ago and the one day a week I work from home I absolutely love. I have an hour commute to the office all other days and I'd love to even just get one more day at home. My manager is not aware of my adhd and I have crippling fear and shame around it so I'd rather not tell him. The office environment I'm in is honestly any neuroduvergent's nightmare. I know it's probably wrong to not tell him but I don't want any judgement.

Anyone have pet insurance? If so, is it worth it? Recommend?

Hi, is disability insurance somethings firm usually provides for attorneys or an added bonus?

like

I’m on leave (16 weeks) but my wife just quit her job and doesn’t plan on working anymore. I think I have to go back to work. Depressed because I don’t want to sacrifice this time with my child...

What is the best health insurance offered by Big 4 to get if you are expecting a baby?

like

How is B4 life when you have small kids and a nonworking spouse?

I have an H1b which I received in 2019 and was valid till august2021, due to covid I wasn't able to travel and then I switched to another firm last year in November. If I get visa transfer, will it provide me a validity back as I haven't used any on site time on that visa.

TIA

I just had my FET last week but I hate my job and have only been there for 3 months, like i was just push in the fire with no training / explanation of how things/ process work. I want to look for a new job but I may be pregnant. Would you stick it out or leave. Anyone have experience this.

like

Folks which insurance do you recommend? Cigna or Anthem. I have two little ones and looking at the $1500 deductible plan. Appreciate any feedback.

More Posts

I'm looking to transition to consulting with 17 YOE with process improvement, strategic planning, cost reduction/revenue enhancement planning and implementation.

Anyone able to refer for Booz or Accenture?

like

What if your roommate occupies your living room and watch your TV?

likefunny

Ethics question: Going through a client’s medical records and noticed on his pre-op (minor surgery) chest x-ray some findings indicative of COPD. Client is heavy smoker. I am in constant contact with this guy and we talk often. If he had that diagnosis he would have told me about it. I also know, sadly, that doctors don’t always follow up on things they should, or overlook things, hence med mal claims. Should I alert my client to this and have him follow up w/his doc, or stay in my lane??

like

If your firm matches Milbank, please comment here!

like

Is McKinsey good for tech roles? I recently graduated with a CS degree and I got an interview with them for a technical position that will involve coding and doing operations work. I am wondering if anyone could give me insight what it is like to work in a programming/development related role at McKinsey in the US. How would it impact my exit opportunities a year from now? Feel free to DM.

like

Book recommendations? Non-fiction, non-business, non-self-help

like

🤷‍♂️ do more faster 🤷‍♀️

Post Photo
likefunny

Does KPMG have a Salesforce practice? What do they do?

like

Any DevOps engineers in Warsaw, I'd like to know what's the current pay standard for 6-8 years of experience in Warsaw.

I’m looking to get into the world of watches. I want to start off with a <$1000 watch so I can appreciate a nice watch when I finally get one. Really like the look of a SS watch that I can wear for all occasions. Eying the Tissot Gentleman Powermatic 80 Silicium.

Any suggestions on other watches?

like

New staff 6 months in, have to relocate due to family reasons. What’s the best approach to ask for it? Will management be willing to help out a staff for relocating?

like

Anyone work at John’s Hopkins hospitals? Pros/cons? Is it better than other hospitals? Any main differences between inpatient and outpatient roles?

I’ve only ever worked inpatient.

like

@Anyone who travels weekly: Have you ever not had an apartment or house (home base) near home office and lived off alt travel, hotels, stay with friends, etc.?

like
like

That moment when your "smart" plan to boost your hours this month by working the Labor Day weekend (thus turning down all the fun plans your friends made) becomes sitting on your hands & feeling dumb because all the partners are too busy to delegate anything. The worst kind of "off" day is one you planned to /wanted to work, but there's no billable work...

likefunny

When are the pay dates at Deloitte? And when does Deloitte’s fiscal year begin?

like

Any RBP companies in Philly or remote hiring?

like

Sometimes when I’m working late at the office, I’ll sit and work at the desks of colleagues I don’t like and fart while sitting on their chairs as much as possible.

likefunny

Hello Fishes,
Hope everyone is doing well!

I'm currently looking for a job change, having a total experience of 10 years in Motion Graphics, 2D Animation, Video Editing & Graphic Design. I'm working as an Assistant Design Managar at my current organization.

Can anyone help me guide about the roles at Gartner which suits my profile. Also it will be a great help if you can refer me too.

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the
Fishbowl app

See what’s happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

A phone with Fishbowl app

Send download link to your phone

OR

Scan your QR code to download
Fishbowl app on your mobile

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Messaging rates may apply

Download app

Sign up for free to view this conversation on Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Already have an account? Log in

Sign up for free to continue using Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use(New) and Privacy Policy(New)
Messaging rates may apply

Already have an account? Log in

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal