{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My husband is from Brazil and we are expecting our first child in April. My mother in law is great, but she wants to come stay with us before the baby is born and right after. I am torn between appreciating the help and wondering if I will want this time to be alone to bond with my baby and husband. Does anyone have experience with having their MIL coming during this period?", "post_id": "5f9840fb28e557002031bd92", "reply_count": 12, "vote_count": 0, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms" }

My husband is from Brazil and we are expecting our first child in April. My mother in law is great, but she wants to come stay with us before the baby is born and right after. I am torn between appreciating the help and wondering if I will want this time to be alone to bond with my baby and husband. Does anyone have experience with having their MIL coming during this period?

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I will play devils advocate and say that you would like at least a few days after baby is home to be alone. I think this depends on a few things, including your relationship with your MIL (mine was great, still didn’t want her there), the size of your home (we didn’t have the space to house another human, so there wouldn’t really be anywhere she could go so I could be alone w the baby), and your own personality (I didn’t want to hear advice on how “we used to do it”). To be fair I didn’t want my own mother around.

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Yes I’m in a similar camp. If our parents had come we would have appreciated the help I think (couldn’t make it due to Covid), but I appreciated the time husband and I got to bond as a family. I always prefer to get paid help instead of family because then it’s on my terms. I would love for my family or my husband’s family to spend time with the baby after the initial 2-3 weeks, but I prefer to pay for childcare/ household chores so we don’t start having problems with expectations.

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She doesnt need to come before. You can politely ask her to come for a couple of weeks after you have spent a week alone with the baby

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Second the couple weeks after suggestion as well as the advice that her “job” should be to take care of everything other than baby (with of course some designated snuggle time).

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Take it! It’s a gift to have the support.

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It’s not a gift if it’s intrusive. Decline!

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Take it but with boundaries. Don’t be afraid to say when you need space/time. You’re mom so what you say when it comes to the baby goes, even if she feels she knows best and pushes back.

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This totally depends on your personality, her personality and relationship. For me, I’m so super introverted and my MIL is very extroverted so I didn’t realize when I was a ftm that she would overwhelm me as much as she did. What I realized the second time around and made it clear to everyone is that “I’ll take care of baby and everyone else takes care of everything else including feeding me” I learned a lot from my first time around and second time around was much easier because of it. So take into consideration how you want her to help.

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Agreed with others above - as a first time mom it took a few weeks for us to figure out the ropes of being a parent! And yes, sometimes it a struggle to figure out, but that’s part of learning the new dynamic of your family! If she is close by and could periodically stop by to drop off meals, help clean, etc. that would be a life saver!! But as far as constantly being there and you potentially feeling like you’re “putting on a show” and not feeling like you could make small mistakes, do things your own way, playing hostess to her, etc. (just how I would feel) - that’s a stress you don’t need!

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We wanted time alone to bond w the baby and adjust to parenthood and decide how to handle things without other peoples opinions. My parents and brother visited for a week when baby was born but stayed in a hotel and stopped by once a day & brought us food. I would not have wanted more. Now, week 4???? We gave the baby to grandparents for one night and went on our first date night out, got a hotel, it was THE BEST. Having the help then makes a much bigger difference & by then youve got a bit of a routine down and baby sleeps less so its harder.

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