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Rising Star
As a married couple, I don’t quite understand the he pays for X, you pay for Y. Especially If you’re making similar salaries. I would recommend you two sit down together and make a joint budget. His loans, all of your family expenses, everything. And come to an agreement on what is priority and what your financial goals are together.
It doesn’t always work that way. It can, but remember that other couples may have more complicated finances. For instance, my partner has three kids in private school and I have two expensive horses. Neither one of us is interested in subsidizing the other one.
I am very much in favor of this approach given I spend like a drunk sailor on those horses with zero regrets 😆
You need to sit down and have a conversation about all of this. My ex and I did not ever 100% combine finances, but we had a joint account where we each contributed an equal amount to cover the mortgage, utilities, and other joint expenses, and then we had our own accounts to cover things like any debt we had before our marriage. This only worked as long as we communicated about our current incomes and expenses honestly.
Chief
No matter how much a job pays, it won’t be enough for someone who can’t manage finances well. Lifestyle creep is real.
So your freeloader husband wants you to pay for his lifestyle without contributing?
Um. No
he contributes up to the point he thinks he is able. don’t know what to do ..I feel so stuck.
Chief
Hold the hell on. Did I just read in another comment that you’re a month behind on the rent, that he didnt pay for the area he wants to live in??!! Also, he never mentioned that he didnt pay the rent?! So he’s risking you and your child’s home at this point?!!!
I am mad as hell for you!! Girl you have some hard decisions to make. This is a man that has zero interest in taking repsonsibility for the well-being of your family. It will always fall on you. So the questions is, do you want that going forward?
he told me that we were delayed on paying rent back in november -since we were having heated discussions about childcare payments -but I thought he would pay it. I had no idea that he pulled this off.
Enthusiast
You two now make about the same salary and he expects you to pay for things like childcare? If salaries are similar, what is the rationale for not splitting such expenses ~50/50?
Hey my mom was a single mom. Sometimes that is better than living with someone that is not there for you.
Chief
I’m so confused - this seems like a massive red flag with your lack of communication. Rent and childcare are both shared expenses and should be contributed towards equally (or split according to income, depending on your agreement), and not something that one party can just “not pay”
Chief
C2 - this is not reflective of marriage/having a partner. This is reflective of people who get married without 1) understanding who/what type of person their partner is 2) having transparent conversations about financial and marriage expectations, as well as roles/responsibilities.
Rising Star
Huh?
update : he’s finally open to resolving the situating and is reviewing his finances and our expenses. he said he didn’t pay the rent last month since the building had a software error and will waive any late payments. marital therapy will also be in order.
he’s actually not irresponsible. takes responsibility for calculating expenses and paying bills on time. just recently he went renegade by protesting childcare.
Move to a cheaper neighborhood. Tell him you can move back once he makes more
Then you're good. Make that happen and you'll be able to breathe a little
I’m sorry but it just makes no sense to have separate accounts and his vs mine, if you’re married there’s one account and that’s it! That’s probably part of the reason you’re running into these issues. You move as one, this is why the divorce rate is so high everyone wants to be an individual. Glad to hear you’re going to marital therapy.
This idea that all finances should just be combined is totally outdated. It creates risks around independence where abuse might happen, and also impacts one persons credit score. We do what many others do and input an agreed % of income into a joint account for most things but still have our own accounts. We don’t earn much but it means if I want to do something nice for him he doesn’t need to see the cost, or if I fancy spending silly amounts on a hair appt or whatever, or he wants to buy something I think is ridiculous we don’t need to discuss it.
Rising Star
Marriage counseling, stat. And if you both make the same salary, how can you afford half the child care and half the rent and he cannot?
Rising Star
Yes, please do. You’re doing all the right things. Hugs.
Pro
I like tons of fancy things I can’t afford. It doesn’t mean I force others to pay for those things for me. He either gets a side hustle or he dials it down. This is a ludicrous ask of you.
I'm very mad for you. To me it sounds like a financial advisor might help, to be an independent 3rd party weighing in on how your money is spent/ what you can afford. The other item is you need a joint account that your husband has whatever % of his paycheck put into each month and YOU need to manage that account and pay the bills. He made some seriously bad judgement calls but you also should be aware if you bills are being paid. I don't know anything about your relationship but either way staying married or not do NOT let him ruin your financial life. Some people are perfectly lovely and just not good with money and that's ok, but don't give them control of the family finances. (also don't let him drive up credit card debt - you'll never get a good mortgage or car loan if he has a bad credit score)
Chief
Op your husband sounds like a man child. You need to look at the mutual account and see where the money is going.
This is a major red flag on you and him.
On you because you married someone like this and on him because he sounds like the type, that if he wanted a divorce, would move the funds to a private account and start setting himself up for alimony.
Enthusiast
Darn OP I hope it gets better. I am starting to notice similar flags in my boyfriend. We just moved in together. I am frustrated so I am sure this is extremely hard for you.
It appears you are taking all the rights steps but the other person has to want to make a change too. Good luck.
My husband and I have 100% put everything into a joint account... The only separate ones are those we can't legally combine like 402k and IRA. There is no his money or my money, or his expenses and my expenses. We have one budget and we use our money to pay for it... This way, everything is a conversation, and both of us are aware of how much things cost, what's been paid for, and when new expenses or income are coming in.
Rising Star
Same
Chief
Are these both of your children, or just yours? (Not that it should matter, but it might, in his mind)
our child
This is an enormous red flag
1. The disconnect between his lifestyle and means (from your initial comments it sounds like he’s essentially living paycheck to paycheck, though I may have misunderstood)
2. The expectation that you should still foot an outsized % of expenses despite the fact that you now earn roughly the same amount
3. “Protesting” the childcare costs as opposed to sitting you down and having an open, tactical conversation about how to divide finances appropriately / effectively
4. Lack of communication overall