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When people show you who they are the first time , believe it . And people treat you the way you allow them to. He probably knows you forgive a lot and he will come back , say his sorry and you will understand . It might be hard but you can’t demand respect without change ! Everyone has a choice in a situation and he continuously chooses to do things that benefit him while hurting you and his ok with it .
Respect is more important than , oh sorry but i love you . Respect comes with thinking about the damage/ hurt one will cause their loved ones based on their actions.
He will continue to do it and even get worse if you don’t put your foot down very seriously !
Goodluck and I hope you guys figure it out
If I could just play devil's advocate here, (please feel free to DM me if you'd prefer) 1) How long have you been married and together? If your husband does in fact have an addiction problem, he has had it and been able to suppress it, it is very unlikely it just appeared over night. 2) What is happening in your/his life right now that may be triggering it? 3) Addiction is a lifestyle. Just like mental illness, anxiety and other issues there will be extreme highs and extreme lows. If you feel like this is something you can't and won't work through and that ending your marriage is the best next step that is OK. If you feel like you are just angry and confused, but really want your marriage to work that is also OK, but only you can figure this out and then go from there. My marriage has gone through something similar but we are (currently) on the other side of it. Again, happy to talk in private if you need to vent or have questions.
ALL OF THIS A4. Life just isn't black and white and as someone who has been on both sides of this story, sometimes what you need is for someone to say that either option is OK to choose. It's very easy to walk away when you are upset. Hopefully no one with common sense thinks my response is me saying to anyone that they should be in a hopeless situation and enable bad behavior. That is just insane
I wouldn't risk it. If you are worried, ensure your safety first. Let family members know as well. I had 2 friends killed by spouses and escaped my own. Please be safe
Thank you all
Wait make sure your finances are secure first and that your important documents (passport, social security card, house/car docs etc) are out of his reach before you do this. And talk to a lawyer. I’ve seen men can turn on you real quick when you try to assert any boundary they don’t like. And file a police report if he even tries to hurt you! Please tell family/friends
I good high school friend went through this and she worked through a complete plan of getting finance and safety covered before making a move. If you are traveling for work, use it to your advantage
Talk with an attorney first. If you leave the house, it can be considered abandonment, which can have implications if you decide to divorce.
You’ll need to keep your wits about you - talk with an attorney and get your game plan in place.
Ladies - each state has different laws.
OP do you have the Hyatt legal insurance? Not saying you will get the best lawyers but you may be able to get free legal advice while you interview others to pick the best one to represent you. DM me if you are in the Bay Area and want to talk. I interviewed several and can share my experience.
Agree with everything everyone has added here. Securing your finances is critical and the courts will not penalize you for taking marital money (but they will penalize him). Also change all of your passwords immediately. Even ones you think he won’t know — change them. Open a savings account with a bank he won’t think of, something local and random. Good luck. If you are in Chicago, DM me for some lawyer recos.
Interesting. Had no idea
Hugs. I went through this with an ex bf. Luckily we were not married and had separate finances. I agree with others to secure your finances first and talk to an attorney. Make an exit plan and secure your safety (assuming you aren’t in any immediate danger). You also want to protect your finances from his abuse because he will go through that money quickly.
You can always walk things back but it’s much easier when you have control over finances and living situations vs being on the receiving end.
You sound like a strong woman that knows what she’s worth and no longer willing to put up with hurtful unacceptable behavior. Without knowing your husband and what he’s capable of, we can’t advise what type of harm it would cause to only speak via therapist. As others have pointed out, plan your ‘exit’ safely.
D1 that’s a brilliant idea
Moving forward? He has substance abuse issues that only manifested in the last year. He also clearly can’t cope with marriage as he’s still trying to keep up with single people 10 years his junior. And I have suspicions he’s cheating as a result of all this.
Talk to an attorney for guidance on how to protect yourself and about what you should be doing now in the event you need to legally separate or end the marriage (documentation, anything to do with joint property, etc). Secure your finances. I’m not sure if the therapist is the right intermediary for ALL communication, but it seems ok to tell him that if he wants to talk about the relationship/explain himself that you want that to only happen in therapy. If you are seeing a therapist, ask that person’s advice too on how to approach.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this! ❤️
Agree with EY1—talk to an attorney, make sure your finances are secure, also start gathering evidence of his neglect / fault in case this becomes a difficult battle. Hugs for you OP.