My husbands brother got married this summer. It was a destination wedding and we forked over a lot to be there. We also gave them 1k in cash as a gift of which I paid half. The bride didn’t bother to spend two mins with me at the wedding (husbands bro did),neither sent a thank you text for coming or for the gift. My husband said to just let it go but I’m salty about it. To me, it’s a lack of basic courtesy. I just need to let it go because what can I really do about it but it’s eating away at me

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Why are you giving things with the expectation of a return?

likefunnyhelpfuluplifting

@OP, you're expecting too much if you're salty she didn't give you 2 minutes. Is this your first wedding invite? Don't you see how busy the couple generally are? All she needed to do is send a mass thank you note to all attendees and call it a day. She's your brother's wife and would come around for other family gathetings and y'all can have a warm convo.
And just to confirm, did you gift both or just your brother the monetary gift? I know a couple who was sent a couple gift and the guy didn't tell the wife, simply pocketed the money for himself and the rest of the family were dissing the wife for being ungrateful until it came up openly and they realized she was unaware of the gift. Js.

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You're south Asian aren't you? Sounds exactly like the drama my mom used to cause around any family event.

likefunnyupliftingsmart
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Why does it bother you? Your relationship is with your husbands brother, and he seems to have behaved appropriately. She’ll come around later. And even if she doesn’t, how does it matter

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I understand. It sounds a little misogynistic but probably ask your husband to pass on the sentiment to his brother, who then likely can sensitize his wife in a tactful manner without making you sound bitchy or whiny. That’s the risk. This method, because the close relationships are between you/husband, husband/brother and brother/wife

The advise people are giving to not bother is really for your sanity and that’s the easier way to be happy. If you can take that approach without resentment, that works as well.

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I'm with you, OP. Apparently people here lack basic decency. You always write a thank you for gifts. Good lord, did your parents not teach you manners?

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Yep it’s pretty basic courtesy to send a thank you message/card to everyone who attended. You attend a wedding knowing you have to put out money, and it’s nice to just hear “thank you”. Idk why everyone thinks thats absurd.

likesmart

I recently got married, and do think thank you cards are a basic courtesy- your gift was super generous as well. I do have to say though that it is very difficult to speak to everyone at the wedding at length as a bride/groom though depending on size of wedding, so I don’t know if that’s really a fair criticism.

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I agree! Not giving him brother a pass whatsoever

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It’s a lack of basic manners, and if they don’t have those by now I doubt they ever will. That was a really generous gift on top of traveling for the wedding. I’d be equally salty if someone did that to me. Now you know what kind of person she is (although her husband should have said something to her), and probably shouldn’t waste your time going out of the way for them in the future.

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Sounds like you don’t like them and are just looking for experiences that validate that. I would never expect a thank you card from my brother or sister in law, or my parents, or even my cousins who I am close with - and they are wonderful, appreciative people… but the idea of sending a thank you note and having that formality feels ridiculous. It’s okay that you don’t like your brother and sister in law - but be honest about the bigger picture.

likesmarthelpful

I think you’re stretching. I could have lived without the thank you but the combo of not reaching out to me to come to the wedding, not spending a minute with me there and then not acknowledging a gift all is a bit much.

I feel a thank you card is definitely common practice, without question. Sometimes it takes the couple a few months to get to these things, but I think you are correct in that you should receive one.

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My good friend just had a destination wedding. I too forked out a ton of money to be there.

I didn’t go to get recognized, I went because I love my friend and his wife.

Ultimately, it’s not your day, not your event, and not about you.

Bride and groom are busy being hosts and enjoying their wedding. They don’t owe you their time, especially not on that day. If you can’t understand that and you feel resentment over all these expenses then you shouldn’t have gone.

likesmart

I see your pt but it’s really hard for me to see it that way. When I got married I felt it was very important to make sure everyone knew I appreciated them making the trek and spending moolah to be at my wedding. Did it make it a hectic and sometimes less fun event for me? Absolutely but felt it was important for my husband and I to make sure it was clear we appreciated everyone’s efforts. Especially with family coming from abroad

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That’s why I tell everyone not to throw a big wedding party, you try to accommodate everyone, spend money, and yet people will still bitch about it.

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In the olden days (80’s), the thank you note etiquette was 1 year. Be disappointed after next summer.

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Not sure why folks have such fragile ego! I would do stuff for my sisters without expecting a thank you note. Why do we have to add so much formality in such close relationships. Yes, I do take them for granted and I am sure my sisters do too. Weddings are stressful; I am sure the bride has other things in mind. Be a bigger person and be there for them.

likeuplifting

I would do the same for my brother in laws, without expecting a thank you. It seems you posted this just for validation and not to genuinely ask folks’ opinion. You should really speak to a therapist. You are blowing this way out of proportion, which could impact your mental health.

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I don’t know why you’re getting flack. I would be pissed too. I think it’s weird that your husband isn’t bothered by this more, it’s just common decency. I’m sorry they don’t have better manners!

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This is an incredible thread and a reminder of the spectrum of expectations. At the end of the day, life is limited and stressing about receiving acknowledgments of gifts may not be worth your time. Giving gifts is something we do in celebration or appreciation of the recipient(s) - enjoy the feeling of offering $1000 of experiences/support to people you/your husband love and leave it there - not worth more of your time!!

likeuplifting

OP, let them enjoy their honeymoon period and you enjoy your life. This is so trivial.

likesmart

Did you send a thank you note for your food and drinks?

likefunny

Damn, alright then SM4 I take back my sensi comment about you. Someone else here is sensi though 😅

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My life advice for all relationships: choose the people who matter to you and give without any expectation of return. But remember who gives back and who doesn’t and leave it at that.

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You’re right. I’m letting this annoy me too much. Had forgotten about it but then they conveniently reach out when they need favors. It’s not tit for tat but frustrating when communication is only ask-lef

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Isn’t it common courtesy to say thank you or to send a card? I’m not sure culture even comes into play here. I do think the general rule of thumb is that they have a year from the wedding to send a card, so maybe give them the benefit of doubt for now.

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Welcome to in-laws. If he’s happy, let this one roll off your back.

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That's very generous of you. I understand why you're pissed. In my native country, weddings are not a big thing and we don't ask anything from guests. I personally don't like weddings where bride and groom do something insanely expensive and then expect everybody to buy them stuff or give them shit load of cash. If they can afford this and want it for themselves ok. But expecting guests to send money or gifts (no matter how traditional it is to do that) is not ok in my opinion, esp. as many people can't afford it. Everytime I'm invited to those kind of weddings, I don't go.

To try being objective in this context, perhaps they don't know you contributed to the gift? Again, very generous, especially as you're not related to them or they're not your direct friends.

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They do. I asked my husband if he made clear the gift was from both of us. He didn’t cover for them ha. He said it was crystal clear to them.

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