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This thouht could be totally wrong for your case, but when I’ve been in a similar position, I’ve felt relieved to tell the truth and let the judge sort through what the punishment should be. I communicated objectively and stuck to the facts. I don’t regret doing it now, but was really nervous when I was deciding whether to speak up.
To be clear, my husband and I both told his sister that she was in the wrong right after we found out about the abuse. And because of that, she completely shut us out. We haven't actually talked to her in almost 6 months but have been attending all the court cases virtually and talking to the grandparents who have temporary custody.
They did have a traumatic childhood and she is a bit scary because 1) she has mental health issues and is highly irrational 2) has a history of criminal behavior and has been emotionally manipulating family members with access to her daughter for years
So it's complex but yes we are holding her accountable and I hope that the court system will do the same.
Enthusiast
There is no reason for anyone to hurt a child. No matter who it is, protect the child. Case closed.
Yes, you're right. Her safety and well-being is my number one priority.
Your duty as a human being is to protect the child, not some worthless child abuser. I don’t care if your husband and her “were very close growing up,” she’s currently garbage and needs to be separated from society.
Rising Star
I would also want to be cognizant of my husband's feelings, but you'll have to accept that doing the right thing may have implications on your relationship, but doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do.
Framing it as testifying against her hides that this action is testifying to protect your niece
Excellent point.
It’s not wrong for you to testify in court. It’s wrong for her to do what she did in the first place. You shouldn’t be guilty for holding someone accountable for their own actions
Rising Star
It is wrong if you *don’t* testify. Your niece needs every person in her corner who can help keep her safe. The judge isn’t going to ask what you think the sentence should be – he’s going to ask you to state the facts as you know them, and he’s going to consider everything he hears to assess a punishment based on state law.
I understand that your husband is very sad about the choices his sister has made, and that he wants her to get better and not make the same choices again. But based on what you’ve described, she certainly sounds as if she has narcissistic personality disorder at a minimum, if not outright psychopathy, and her daughter shouldn’t pay the price of a life further ruined by someone who truly may not be able to change something that fundamentally makes them incapable of being a loving parent.
She’s a little girl. Protect her.
Please testify. I represent CPS in court on these cases and there’s nothing more frustrating and heartbreaking than not being able to meet the evidentiary burden to protect a child because family members won’t testify. This child needs you. You don’t need to be mean about it, but you do need to share what you know so the court can make a determination based on all of the facts.
Enthusiast
I’d just make sure you check in with him as you prepare and stuff so he has an idea of just how much truth you will tell. Express your hesitations and acknowledge awareness of how conflicted he must feel but that you can’t hold back information in good conscience.
Testify to the facts and don’t express an opinion as to her sentence? Just say what you know and that you wish she had gotten better but hasn’t. In the meantime, are you and your husband going to take care of your niece? Can you sue for custody to prevent the SIL regaining custody?
You are navigating a lot! Big hugs
When these types of incidents happen where there just seems to be no perfect solution because whichever way you choose someone would get hurt especially when family is involved where it’s hard to stay completely objective, the best solution in these situations though is to be honest and speak the truth, this is the only way to make it fair for everyone.
Visual Storyteller
If she had abused your child would you testify against her?
Here is your answer.
Enthusiast
Child abuse continues to happen when no one speaks up for and defends the child. It is up to the adults in the child’s life to protect her. Your niece needs you. Please don’t fail her.
Enthusiast
All that matters is the child, who can’t advocate for themselves after the trauma they went through and the situation they are in.
All that matters is the child.
All other relationships and feelings be damned.
Chief
My best friend testified against her sister in court because her sister had an unsafe living environment for her daughter. She has now had custody of her niece for almost two years - it took about 16 months of court and over $10k in legal fees to make it permanent custody.
It’s hard for everyone, and her sister still gets visitation (just for a few hours a month, no overnights and needs to be in a public space), but she has never once regretted going to bat for her niece.
I’d be objective in court, but I’d absolutely stand up for the child in this situation. It’s unsafe for her, she needs to be removed from her mom… this is really a no-brained IMO.
Enthusiast
My dad abused my sisters growing up and when it eventually came out he went to prison for years. It was hard because we were young (still in school, living at home together) and he was the sole "bread winner" with a bunch of kids at home..but it was the right thing to do (speaking out about it once it finally came out), and worst part is it didn't come out sooner...
Rising Star
Ooooof. This is a tough one. What does your husband think? Also, if the roles were reversed, would you be ok with him testifying against your sibling? I would, but that’s just me…
You have a kind heart for thinking of your husband. But your niece wasn’t asked to be born into an abusive family. Adults have the responsibility to protect children. Your husband is an adult and if you’re contemplating his “feelings” vs. the physical protection of a child, they are not comparable. Again, not to demean the difficulty of this all, but you are in the absolute right for wanting the full maximum sentence for the abuser
Rising Star
I’d focus on whatever is necessary for the niece more so than prison time for the mother. Hard to imagine how locking her up is going to improve things any - the key is making sure she doesn’t have access to custody.
But as others have said - you gotta communicate with your husband so this doesn’t end with him resenting your involvement.
Enthusiast
I think we can agree this is super difficult for your niece.
Be objective and keep your husband looped in on your thought process. Not because you need his buy-in but to try and help him through this.
Do give your niece hugs from me. DCFS will try and reunite mother and daughter and if that happens I hope you position yourself in their lives in a way that the mother does not push you away out of spite. Somebody’s got to watch out for that little girl.
If you get a subpoena, you kinda don’t really have a choice… and perjury is an ugly option.
Chief
No, not if you testify to what you actually know to be true.