{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My mom decided that tonight she’d confess: 25 yrs ago she told me my 1st choice college did not give us any financial aid and I couldn’t go there (so I went where we had it). She admitted I almost got a free ride but she didn’t want me to go there so she lied. I feel betrayed. Loved my school and have no regrets. Just feel manipulated.", "post_id": "606929d9bffc4f001cf8e7e5", "reply_count": 339, "vote_count": 113, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "Coronavirus Work-life" }

My mom decided that tonight she’d confess: 25 yrs ago she told me my 1st choice college did not give us any financial aid and I couldn’t go there (so I went where we had it). She admitted I almost got a free ride but she didn’t want me to go there so she lied. I feel betrayed. Loved my school and have no regrets. Just feel manipulated.

likefunnyhelpful
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Wow this thread was a wild ride. I’m really sorry and I hope you’re able to heal from this to have a meaningful relationship with your mom (if you decide that’s what you want), but more importantly to have peace in how your life has played out thus far. You’re probably experiencing some “what if” moments and I know that life assessment has got to be tough. One thing I’d suggest to add to that convo with her therapist is something I wish I learned years ago: seeking forgiveness is not the same thing as shedding your secrets. People should seek forgiveness for known things in order to make amends with people (like the neighbor parent swap). Revealing things to get them off her chest is unacceptable and isn’t a gesture for you, it’s for her. Big reveals are never okay. Like a husband who cheated on his wife and years later tells her. For what? To make her insecure? To “be honest”? It’s just to make the secret revealer feel better. It’s selfish and unacceptable to throw something like that out there and pretend she’s telling you for YOU to know— she’s telling you to absolve her own self guilt, not truly seek forgiveness. If this were my mom, I’d tell her to take those secrets to the grave or to her diary and stop casting doubt onto my life. The burden of her terrible actions shouldn’t just be passed to your shoulders for her benefit. That’s not love in my opinion. If her therapist advised her to do that she needs a new therapist.

likehelpful

There is so, so much privilege in this thread. So much. "Move on," "grow up," "it was your responsibility," etc. I'm so happy the rest of you had normalized relationships with parents who managed healthy emotional lives and proper relationships with you, their children, including trust development and obligation recognition opportunities. Really. Truly. I'm so glad for you. Many of us didn't have that, and many of us did not understand the extent of that betrayal of parental trust until well into adulthood. It can be incredibly traumatic to find that a narcissistic parent has permanently altered the course of your life, done so in secrecy, and done so out of selfishness, or worse: malice. OP has every right to be upset. For the rest of you, have a little empathy or get a goddamned therapist. You're the kind of people who turn out to be monsters like OP's mother. Get help.

likesmart

This

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Slightly better than finding out she got you a spot by completely falsifying a high school rowing career you never had

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likefunnyhelpful

I hope you mean OPs is way, way worse. I could not be mad at my mom for too long as she was trying to do something for me, as opposed to OPs.

So you know how to read right, you was suppose to be a reading all your own info. That was entirely your responsibility. I kept track of every admission letter and financial aid letter on my own.

likefunnyupliftingsmarthelpful

With A4. Might have been different 25 years ago, but in this day in age where everything is digital, these 17/18 year olds have no excuse to make the decision themselves. All the information is a click away.

My mom did the same/similar and bought a souped up BMW with my college fund she had saved up instead. I had some scholarships but not a full ride and would have walked in as a sophomore. Instead I went to a no name shit school with a shit major (best option still) and zero job prospects, graduating unemployed and broke at the peak of the recession, for pennies since I was 17 upon entering and given no choice in the matter. FML. Today everything I am in my career is because of my hard work and despite her. But who knows where I could have been in my career instead. I feel zero guilt about not buying them things or going out of my way to be there. If anything I'm still too nice, too loving and call too often. Makes my blood boil when I think of it still, even though it took me a decade to come to terms with it. I feel you OP.

likesmartfunnyuplifting

Back when I was going to school, an 18 yo could not take out their own loans independently. You had to be 26. You needed your parents to fill out and sign the FAFSA thing and all that for the school and loans. I know because I had to do this and was in the same situation. I actually put off school because of it because I didn’t want to go to a shitty school and waste my time. I didn’t go back to school until I was about to turn 22 when my parents finally filled it out and I was 3 years behind, but it was actually the best thing that could’ve happened because I also would’ve graduated in the middle of the recession.

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25 years ago move on.

likefunnyhelpfulsmart

Dir of PR 1 I am not saying OP shouldn't feel some way about it. I am saying that parents have different reasons for doing things. We don6have all the I formation that OPs mom had at the time. OP probably didn't have all the i fo back then either. Reading all.of the comments I would say that OP had a unconventional upbringing with a lot of issues, but again as children we don't always see everything that is going on behind the scenes and are really not in a position to judge. Parents are just people like any others that make mistakes. Sometimes making the wrong decision knowing it is wrong but they don't care, and sometimes having to choose the lesser of two evils. Is it something that OP needs to address with their mom.. absolutely just for OPs peace of mind and betterment. Does that mean that OP needs to come out swinging? Who knows. From the comments it seems that OPs mom had her own issues to deal with and was repeating a pattern from her mother.

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Disagree with any advice to “move on.” Mourn the loss of what could have been and make it known to your mother that this is something that is going to make you disconnect for a while. If she is open, pursue therapy. I don’t see how I would, without an outside intermediary, forgive or have a pure relationship with my mother again.

likefunnyupliftingsmarthelpful

Yes, what EY1 said. OP, my comment is assuming that someone similarly situated feels as though they cannot move on from this without some external intervention or insight. Everyone is so different. If you are elated with your life now-have no “what could’ve been”s brewing-it may be more virtuous and soothing to forgive and let live, particularly if your mother is of age and otherwise, in your eyes, a wonderful mother and person.

likesmarthelpful

Ugh. What else did she lie about? I’d have real issues...

likefunny

Interesting OP, I wonder if you should consider telling her that her getting things off her chest and reducing her guilt is not necessarily helping your relationship.

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I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Indian Air Force. My mother hid the acceptance letter and I found out 15 years later. Probably saved my life but still wtf.

likesmart

My god that’s huge! Congrats on getting accepted tho

I am just fine and this helps me understand my trust issues and why I have a giant wall around me. I know my life is good. I also know it is OK to be a little annoyed at this. To the salty commenters: get therapy.

likefunnyupliftingsmart

I think the parents partner swapping thing would give me more trust issues than the college acceptance issue. Good for you for working through your issues, OP.

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Just tell that the nursing home you are putting her in is highly rated, no really.

likefunnyuplifting

Entitled brats

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She and my dad switched partners w our neighbors so that was tough as a small child. We worked through that. I don’t love these later in life surprises.

likefunny

OP you need to get out of consulting and sell this story to Netflix or Lifetime !!

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Sounds like your Mom was selfish back then and is still being selfish now. What does telling you this 25 years later accomplish? It makes her feel better about herself.

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Yes. She is doing therapy and wanting to right her wrongs. Never mentioned switching partners w our neighbors but this is a start.

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Ha you're a bigger person than me. I'd rip her apart verbally and cut her off. That's horrible.

likesmart

I'd FOR SURE cutoff someone so manipulative.

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Maybe if you would have went to the other school you would have been hit by a drunk driver one night.

likefunnyupliftingsmart

Hahahahahaha

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For those saying, “it was 25 years ago, move on,” you need to realize that he only found out about it now. So, no, it’s a new revelation and opens up a lot of what ifs.

likefunny

My deepest apologies.

Some over here are telling you to live in the past and what happened 25 years ago define the rest of your life - I still say move on and define your future. Don't let what happened 25 years ago consume the rest of your life.

likefunny

This is a bizarre dichotomy. In order to properly move forward in a healthy way you need to grieve what you didn’t get or could have had and give space to process it. Repressing it isn’t healthy

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1) you were betrayed and manipulated, both 25 years ago and every single day afterwards with her not telling you the truth. 2) you were irresponsible for not taking care of your own stuff and letting her manage your life.

likehelpfulfunny

When you are brought up by a manipulative parent, you are not raised to advocate for yourself or with a sense of agency for your life.... these things are self taught after moving away from the household. How can a minor, raised in this manner up until the moment they move into a college dorm, be expected to magically possess the self-awareness at age 17/18 to take charge of something the parent has always controlled?

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Damn OP that would cut deep to me. Im still salty about not getting into my top choice so to find out my parent had a hand in me not being able go go would hurt. Also wonder if theyve done this with other things.

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My parents forced me to finish med school (I own the loans). But I work in advertising afterwards. This is a good lesson in parents don’t know what the fuck they are doing anyway - be a better parent.

likesmartfunny

I went to college during the Tech bubble, I have seen so many parents force their kids to study computer science and become programmers, needless to say, most of them left that field to become overseas English teachers, salesperson, even pharmacists.

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