My mother in law attacked my culture (East Asian). She was a teacher before she retired, so not a bad person. But she becomes more and more patriotic (which is a good thing) and more hatred towards immigrants and other culture. I don’t think I can cut her out of my life. Any suggestions and wisdom on how to deal with the relationship with her? Thanks

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Just a couple of quick notes...
Teacher doesn't always equate to good person
Nationalist is different from patriot

I'm sorry you're going through this, nobody deserves that kind of bullying. Have you tried to see how she responds to being educated about cultures after making a crude remark? If that doesn't work you may need to be very forthright with her about how her characterization of your background is incredibly hurtful and uncalled for.

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I came here to say this. Being a teacher means nothing about their ethics, becoming patriotic is probably very negative these days.

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Where is your husband? He should be the one putting her in her place.

likesmart

Assume you are in the US(?). Patriotism is inconsistent with hating immigrants and other cultures. We are a melting pot. Maybe she is just a jerk or maybe she’s brainwashed by watching too much hate on TV.
I’d ask her questions and make her look at her statements. When she thoughtlessly says ridiculous things ask her if that’s how she feels about you personally or ask her to explain herself and what personal experiences is it based on. I’m guessIng she’s just parroting some things other people are saying without any real facts. Also - your husband needs to be shutting this down too. It’s not ok to attack you. And what if you have kids? Is she going to hate the 50% East Asian part of them too? I would hope not!!

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I’m sorry your experience with my countrymen has been so negative, D1.

I’m not going to sit here and argue with you that all Americans are great or welcoming to foreigners. But I can assure you that there are still plenty of people here who don’t approve of racism and xenophobia and act on it daily, like volunteering to help Afghan refugees.

You can also read all of the other responses to this post - we are all outraged by the MIL’s actions. Are you lumping us all together with white supremacists because we all happen to be Americans?

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Can you just be honest to let her know she has upset you?

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Have to agree with others - 1) being a teacher doesn't mean you're a good person (there are good and bad people in every profession) and 2) it sounds like she's a nationalist and not a patriot. Treating a family member poorly is a crappy thing to do regardless of factors, but to also attack your culture and the fact that you're an immigrant is next level a**holery. If you don't feel you can confront her or it's done nothing when you do, please speak to your husband about how inappropriate and hurtful these things are and ask him to tell her not to speak to you that way again.

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Most important is your husband, did he recognize his mother attacked your culture and does he see how it hurts you? He should bring it up to her

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So, to start, Nationalism =/= Patriotism. It's not a good thing. Also, being a teacher is like being a cop: sure, the job is important but a complete idiot doinh the job doesn't automatically deserve respect and recognition.

Without knowing more it's hard to armchair advise but maybe speaking with a specialist would offer good tools on how to approach discussions with her.

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