My one month old really struggles to go down for naps and cries (even after being fed, changed, swaddled, etc). I know it’s too early to sleep train but is it ok to just let him cry it out for 20 min?

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Mother of 2, who did sleep train after 4th trimester. 1. One month old is so young. So very, very young. Any expectations on sleep are premature. Sorry, but we all go through it. 2. I believe at least 75% is personality, 20% sleep hygiene (particularly after 4th trimester), 5% is luck. I had two babies who were night and day on self-soothing around sleep. 3. Taking Cara Babies. It wasn’t around when I had newborns, but friends say great things. And lastly, you’re dealing with a newborn. Grab a water bottle, a snack, your phone, a book/kindle/iPad, and settle down holding the baby. That’s the parenting job description at this stage.

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Second Taking Cara Babies!

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OP, congrats on your newborn, it’s a lovely but difficult phase. My baby was so beautiful when she was 1 month old but the sleep deprivation was beyond what I expected! Cry it out is not recommended for newborns though, sending in the next comment papers on this that were shared with us by the hospital during a parenting class. Summary is babies cry because they need the caregiver, caregivers are recommended to respond to the baby’s distress signal and CIO early on could have long term negative psychological implications on the baby.

A few ideas that helped me are below. You might have already tried these. Sending you hugs. Hang in there, it does get better around three months!

-most babies need lots of help to sleep. soothing techniques such as rocking, patting, white noise, “shhh” sound etc help though it might still take a while. At around three months you’ll probably be able to cut back on most of these as the baby grows.
-sucking: a pacifier helps some babies as the sucking is really soothing to most. my baby rejected the paci and only sleep while latched on my breast. It was exhausting but helped her sleep, and around 2-3 months I didn’t need to do this anymore.
-different swaddling techniques: some babies don’t like being swaddled. Mine hated it
most days, but some days she’d be ok with it. I had to try 5-6 different swaddles, some worked better than others and some days i’d just let her sleep without the swaddle. In the end I fully gave up on swaddling around 2 months and the baby was sleeping just fine without it.
-cosleeping in the same room, as close to you as possible while still safe. Sleeping together is not recommended due to SIDS and other risks but if there’s a safe way to do so it might help. Also skin to skin contact as possible while you’re awake - feeding etc.
-if you’re breastfeeding, could it be milk supply?
-is there someone else that can soothe her every now and then? some days she’d sleep easier with the father rather than in my arms. I thought that was bcs my scent reminded her of feed time rather than sleep. he held her and walked back and forth while I could take some time off.
-some babies are “colic” and it’s a different story. See the doc if you suspect that’s the case and they might have recommendations

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Leaving him to cry for 20 min is sleep training...

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Agree with the previous posters. Just adding to say that I’m sure you feel at your wits end. Know that:
1. This will be over and you will survive
2. If you find yourself getting angry / super distressed, it’s okay to put them down, walk out the room, and take a few minutes to gather yourself
3. A sling is a great way to carry them around in these early days. My son would sleep anywhere in the sling, including a raucous party with 50 people shouting and singing

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Yeah at this age I think 20 min is a bit harsh. First few weeks they sleep well and then often “regress” because of colic or just being aware they are no longer in the womb and all the panic that goes along with it. Nothing wrong with a few minutes crying so you can go to the bathroom or get some food out, but at this age it’s a lot of holding, baby carriers and walks in strollers.

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Ok, realized my comment was not super helpful, so apologies!!

On a more helpful note, my guy would not ever go down for naps. I would have to wear him in a baby carrier and go for walks to get him to fall asleep. But...he is a champion sleeper now, so there is always hope! Good luck, first few months are tough.

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I guess we sleep trained that early? My pediatrician said if they are fed, changed, safe, youve checked they dont have something like a hair tied around them etc, then they can cry for a bit.
We followed babywise to a T and it went perfectly for us (yes i know all babies are different).

Idk exactly the number of weeks old he was but we let him cry for 20 minutes and then go and check him and let him cry again till he fell asleep.

Again not sure the exact age, but Sometimes we let him cry (on and off, not straight) for up to 45 min - we were able to tell the difference between his “i am going to fall asleep if you dont enter the room, start this cycle over again” and his “i am not going to fall asleep come get me dammit” cries. It didnt take long for him to nap well during the day and sleep all night.

Additionally, it was SO important that we put him to nap at just the right time - not too stimulated, not too tired, not too awake, etc.

We never put him down asleep & we didnt give him any crutches like bottle/rocking/pacifier.

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Just looked & he was sleeping through the night by 10 weeks old.

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Echoing everything already stated by others - definitely too young for CIO. One technique that really helped us is to get on a gym ball while holding infant and the bouncing motion was soothing to baby while not too much effort for tired parents. But lots of contact at this age and responsiveness to the crying sets up for healthy habits later on. Good luck and hang in there!

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This. We bounced ours to sleep every nap and bedtime at this age and then transferred to bassinet.

Lots of good advice here - just want to add that if you need 20 minutes to take a shower, take a break, etc., it will not hurt your baby to cry for 20 minutes. Especially if you’re at your wits end!

Follow the advice here that sounds right to you. At this stage there’s no universal right answer that will help with crying, sometimes you just have to get through it. But know it gets better soon!! At six weeks you might start to get some smiles!!

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Is it only when he’s laying flat? Maybe some acid reflux?

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Check out the 90 min sleep program book. Not sleep training, but it teaches you how to recognize you LOs sleep cycles and helps identify when they are ready to nap. I highly recommend this and we started from day 1 home from the hospital wirh both our kiddos.

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You’ll likely find a lot of different perspectives on letting baby cry and a body of research that backs up both schools of thought.
1. Honestly it comes down to what your breaking point is, your baby’s age/personality, and how much help you have.
2. At one month they don’t have a sense of object permanence so even if you try to sleep train they won’t really understand what it’s about. The crying (as others suggested) is a call for physical comfort.
3. If you do decide to CIO study your baby and adjust the method to what baby might be most receptive to. Extinction techniques aren’t for everyone.
4. If you don’t CIO that’s totally ok too. Your child will sleep, and so will you. Give yourself and the baby some grace, and settle down with a good book/snacks/wine.

From personal experience, I had one that responded well to sleep training (although we never did full extinction) and another who basically wouldn’t hear of it. He would physically get ill and throw up if he were left to cry which was too much for all of us. So we co-slept, and he’s a great sleeper at 2.

Good luck, mama, you got this!

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White noise was a lifesaver for us during the first couple months. I agree with many of the above comments and want to add that we found ‘Happiest Baby in the Block’ to be super helpful.

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Yeah, agree with all of the above. I had to bounce my oldest in a certain way to get her to sleep for the first few months. I developed some serious biceps. You have to be patient and find some tricks. If this isn’t natural too you, find some books- suggested above- your mom, MIL, friends... anyone who’s had a baby and ask them for some tricks. One is bound to work... until your baby gets sick, or teeth, or a growth spurt....
Good luck!! These are the toughest weeks to get through, but it does get easier once you get to know your baby better!!

My doctor said 5 minutes at this age.

I loved 12 hours in 12 weeks book. Even if you don’t go whole hog lots of good strategies and mindsets. Also even in her strict world view the first six weeks you write off to survival before you get serious about any sleep coaching

Search online for taking cara babies. If you want free advice for this age, see @takingcarababies on instagram

Try a paci!

Game changer!! Double edge sword too. Worth it.

We used all the things because our babies liked movement and white noise - bouncing, baby wearing with a good carrier, shushing, swaying, rocking, stroller, sound machine, bouncy chair, pacifiers, cosleeping at night (can be done safely), and a little head pillow with the hole in the middle to prevent flat skull. My firstborn also liked music and we spent a lot of time swaying her to pop songs. In my mind if it was “crutches” versus sleep then I’ll use the crutches any day.

This is the pillow: Newborn Baby Head Shaping Pillow,Preventing Flat Head Syndrome(Plagiocephaly),Made of Memory Foam Head and Neck Support Baby 3D Pillow for 0-12 Months Infant https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RPS166H/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fpgyEb86HF618

Another source of information is the Respectful Sleep training group on Facebook. They have a lot of information and support good sleep hygiene from an early age, or at any age judgement free.

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