{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My partner and I had an unplanned pregnancy a couple years ago. I was always very pro-choice, but when it came to me, I couldn’t go through with abortion. He really didn’t want to be a father, and was v angry. He committed to stay, but it is over a year post-baby, and we haven’t been intimate since our son was conceived. \n\nHe told me last night that he doesn’t know if he can be intimate with me again, bc I broke his trust by keeping the baby, and if it were to happen again, he wouldn’t survive.", "post_id": "61a9a350d6444000340107c6", "reply_count": 49, "vote_count": 6, "bowl_id": "58f81646ae9f610010f869be", "bowl_name": "Consulting Moms", "feed_type": "bowl" }
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My partner and I had an unplanned pregnancy a couple years ago. I was always very pro-choice, but when it came to me, I couldn’t go through with abortion. He really didn’t want to be a father, and was v angry. He committed to stay, but it is over a year post-baby, and we haven’t been intimate since our son was conceived.

He told me last night that he doesn’t know if he can be intimate with me again, bc I broke his trust by keeping the baby, and if it were to happen again, he wouldn’t survive.

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Single mom to an unplanned baby here. I’m sorry OP, I know how hard this is. Once you decided to have the baby views from the past about parenting should have stayed there for the baby’s sake. I completely and fully, understand and relate to not being prepared or planning for a child. But reality is the baby is here and it’s time to make the most of it and be the best parent you can be. What could that mean for him and for you?

I gave my child’s father the option to not be involved and he took it. I do not agree with his choice but I can respect it. I haven’t had sex since I conceived either. I’m hopeful one day I can be in a relationship with someone I can face challenges with as one and doesn’t see a child as “baggage”. Sending encouragement. ❤️

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What helps me accept my situation is that my child is surrounded by people who love him, even if his father isn’t present. Yes I am scared of him feeling abandoned one day but he won’t see me begging a man to be involved or show up. He’ll see a parent and family who cherished him. Hopefully one day that includes a step parent. What we expose children to is so important. The relationships he sees as a young child will influence him as an adult.

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I am going to say something that I didn't see expressed here. It (parenting) will get better. The first year is insane even without covid.

The drudgery starts to die down and then their cuteness keeps you going.

They start talking and start to say the most interesting things.

As soon as you think "I love this stage" or "I hate this stage" everything changes again.

He may be much happier with your child later. But it's how he feels about you that makes the decision. Even if you were willing to accept his lovelessness now for sake of child, guarantee it won't always be enough.

If you haven't tried therapy with him you should. It might not fix anything but could help to lay foundation for co-parenting.

Hugs sis, you have the weight of the world on you.

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Sis.. pro-choice doesn’t mean pro-abortion. You made a choice for yourself and I hope you stop feeling guilt or complete responsibility for a situation that you both have found yourself in.

If anything you took precautions and he didn’t and is unwilling to going forward. Hopefully the framing from everyone else helps both of you rethink how you’re talking about this.

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Is he getting a vasectomy? Is he against more kids in general or just with you? If in general, would you want to stay with him if he took more kids off the table?

There is obviously a major trust issue that needs to be dealt with here, but goals regarding more children is also a pretty basic point for couples to agree on. Are you going to therapy to try to work through the different aspects?

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S1 is so correct. You did your part in preventing pregnancy, he didn’t. If he doesn’t want kids he should get a vasectomy and wear a condom and not blame you. An abortion is a big decision even for folks who are pro-choice and it can be painful physically and emotionally. So it’s easy for guys to say get an abortion, but it’s up to the woman to make decisions about her own body and the baby she’s carrying.

You can meet someone who will love you and be intimate with you without this unreasonablenesses

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He is totally out of line. You should leave him- you deserve better. How dare he blame you for your pregnancy. It takes two to tango. Pregnancy and a baby is an potential outcome of his choice to have sex. He only has himself to blame

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Broke his trust? The condom broke his trust. You are under no obligation to get rid of the pregnancy. He should have known that. Instead is taking accountability and owning his actions, he's blaming you. Get him to seek counseling, and you move on.

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He is trying to have it both ways; fulfill whatever he imagines his responsibilities, while also blaming you.

When he decided to stay, it should have been as a full partner, not this half assed crap. If he couldn’t do that he should have left and dealt with his feels about broken homes.

You don’t deserve to be blamed and stuck being celibate by someone who made a choice to stay. If you’re not really going to be in it together as partners, then it may be time to acknowledge it.

He won’t improve at all until he stops seeing himself as a victim here, which sounds like he’s made no progress on at all.

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Sorry im stuck on your first paragraph. Being pro choice doesn't mean you're pro abortion being pro choice means you're pro giving the women to choose what to do with their body. while some women might have chosen differently you chose to have a baby - and being pro choice protects you and your ability to make that decision and not have a governing entity or a religion make that decision for you.

I say that as an orthodox jew who struggled with infertility, I am pro choice - just because one thing works for me, doesn't mean I have to force that decision on everyone else.

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This comment is coming from a place of love , deep inside your heart , you know the relationship is over. You know it’s no longer fair to yourself to stay in that relationship. Is that what you want for the rest of your life ? To live with a person that will always have resentment towards you for having a baby ? Walk away hun and never look back. You are going to be better off alone.

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Wait you haven’t had sex in nine months of pregnancy + 12 months post partum? Sounds like the romantic relationship/partnership is long done. I’d make plans to separate and have him still live close by so he can see his child. But you need to move on

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I wouldn't necessarily call that healthy though - sure it happens but if you haven't had sex with your partner in over a year that should signal that there's something to improve in the relationship.

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I had a friend stay in a loveless relationship until her child was 8. She honestly thought that was in her child's best interest, a trained psychologist no less. A mechanical and contentious home life only made her anxious and withdrawn.
She finally has left him after two years of her own daughter calling her on her bs. She, just like you deserve love if you desire it. Are you two in an (agreed upon,) open relationship, that is a long time?
Having someone who claims to love you take the stance of continuing to "blame you," is unhealthy.

He attributes the decision to not be intimate to not wanting another baby. Co-parent, get individual and family therapy to iron out what's best for your baby.

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Parenthood is so hard. I love my daughter to death and will give my life to her but god it makes want to pull my hair out sometimes. This is normal.

What’s not normal is your partner blaming you for something he also has a part of. He sounds like a selfish spiteful man child. My blood is boiling for you reading this post

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I feel like I need his side of the story too. My initial reaction was ‘what an ass—le’, but then it’s confusing that he has stayed by your side and by your baby’s side. I doubt that it is only to torture you.

Many marriages struggle with romance post baby - for many different reasons. The first year is also very difficult, particularly if you were not mentally or financially prepared. You also may not have help nearby which may make it harder to disconnect and have romantic time alone with your partner.

I’m curious - What did you respond when said he doesn’t want to be intimate with you anymore. I would address the situation by communicating clearly and as direct as possible. You can say for me this is an important part of a relationship and I can’t be in a loveless relationship for the rest of my life. Sometimes giving people distance allows them to think about what the have.

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Ok, you need to be prepared to move on. It’s not any good for you to be in a loveless relationship where there is no trust. Either he’s in 100% or needs to just leave too. The environment will be bad and honestly your self esteem is far more valuable to your LO than putting up with someone who clearly is not treating you like an equal partner. It’ll be hard but the damage by staying with him could be far worse. Not easy decision- so sorry you’re in this situation. The most important people to consider right now is you and your LO

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Men assuming they can treat abortion like birth control is one of the most frustrating notions on the planet. Abortion can be a very traumatic experience, physically and emotionally. Its not something you blame your partner for choosing NOT to do. If he (or any man) absolutely didn’t want kids it’s easy—- don’t have sex or get a vasectomy. Otherwise, be prepared to be an adult and own up to your actions.

I think your shot at making this work is marriage counseling (and maybe individual therapy for him). If he’s not open to it then you’d have to weigh if you’d be happier as divorced co-parents (since either way he wants to be in the picture). For that you can try a separation period to see if that makes your emotions clearer.

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(Cont.) posting here, because I am completely heartbroken over this statement. I knew I needed to give him time after the initial trauma, and I have tried to be patient, because he has had to sacrifice a lot.

I have always wondered how long it takes people to choose to divorce. We aren’t married, obviously, but we are a family. How do I know when it’s no longer fair to myself to stay in a relationship dynamic that can be so painful sometimes, even when it’s the result of joint trauma?

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It sounds like your partner’s issues run much deeper than this, but have you considered an IUD? No possibility for pills being missed or taken at the wrong time of day.

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I mean - it sounds like you should break up and share custody. It seems that he that he wanted to be involved since he could have easily ghosted you and the baby. But it doesn’t seem like he wants to be in a relationship with you. And if he can’t trust you, happens, then it doesn’t sound like a safe relationship anyway. This is the same whether you are pro/anti choice.

My partner planned our pregnancy but he still left when I became pregnant. He vanished during pregnancy and is back now that our child is one years old.9@/5€]|[\..,

How are you doing OP?

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