I have to ask things like “what do you want for dinner” over and over again. It’s not that I asked and didn’t care enough to listen. I listened, but with so many things floating in my head to keep track of, things get lost.

The interrupting is also real. If I have a thought, I feel a compulsion to get it out right away before it slips away.

The best partner for me (thankfully my husband fit the bill) is someone who will occasionally take the reigns and plan something where all I have to do is go - no prepping, planning, etc. The only way I have found for that to work is for him to say “I’m taking you out for the day on Saturday. Where warm clothes.” If he starts to tell me what we’re going to do, then I start wanting to plan.

If you keep “dream plans” in a collective place then you can snag your spouse’s prep work so you know it’s something he/she would like to do.

The Cozi app has been a lifesaver for us from everything to keeping a shared grocery list to a shared calendar and task lists. I even keep a camping list on there so if we ever go camping I can go down the list to make sure we’re bringing everything. It has reminders on the calendar so we don’t forget to pick our son up at school, for instance.

Finally, remember that as frustrating as it is to live with someone with ADHD, it’s frustrating for us to live with ourselves, too.

These are going to sound dramatic, but I promise they're real. I've learned that people with ADD do a tremendous job of hiding a lot of these issues (a lot of times because they don't know they have them). But it's these little changes that can make a huge difference in my day.

1. I struggle greatly with predicting how long something takes. If you ask me when I'll be ready for dinner, and I say 10 minutes but show up an hour or two later, just know that it's not on purpose and I'm more mad at myself than you are.

2. This happens much more frequently since working from home for covid, but some days I just have bad, unproductive days. There are days where I sat my computer all day long and didn't get a single email out, or I didn't get a single chore done. When I see you at the end of the day, and you ask me an innocent question like, "what did you do today?", I reflexively take that as you judging me for not being productive, or being mad at me thinking I'm lazy. I know that's not what you mean, but I can't help but feel that way when that question hits me. I'm already really mad at annoyed at myself for not getting anything done, and I'm already stressed out trying to figure out how I'll be able to catch up on my backlog of work, and sometimes all of that exodes and I'm swift with you, or give you an attitude, or become angrily defensive. My wife can recognize my bad days by my facial expressions when she comes home; I encourage you to find a system to learn when your spouse had a similar day, and on those days just empathize with him, ask him if he needs anything, and just let him you're there and you support him - but leave him be. Maybe ask if he had a rough day instead of what he got done.

3. When you make plans with him, try to stick to them as much as possible. I generally have trouble sticking to a plan (if I ever get around to making one), and need the support I can get. But, and it's a big but, that doesn't mean I need you to lecture me, or tell at me, or try to motivate me to follow that plan. Spouses make for terrible accountability partners because they love you too much and either go too hard on you, or are way too soft. All I ask is to refrain from making changes to my plan, or offering alternatives to my plan. Last minute changes are a nightmare. If we planned on going on a bike ride in the morning, when the alarm rings and we wake up, don't ask me if I'd rather go get breakfast or sleep in. Last minute changes, and just alternative options in general, are very stressful. It took everything I had to get up and get excited for the bike ride, and now I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep because I can't handle such a simple decision. Then I finally get out of bed, late, and I'm mad at myself for not exercising, then I fall behind on my first hour of work because I'm still half asleep and my mind is focused on the fact that I should have excercised, and then before I know it, it's time for bed and I literally did not get a single thing done.

I am also a lawyer with ADHD. My partner gets very frustrated with my memory.

I remember things he said to me 4 years ago in random conversations about things that he thinks are trivial, but I don’t remember things he said to me last week about topics that he thinks are quite important.

He interprets it to mean I’m not listening to him or I don’t care about what he’s saying to me. That’s not the case at all.

I wish he understood that my brain compartmentalizes things differently than his does. And 9.9 times out of 10 I’m really not trying to be a jerk.

I need to be doing multiple things at once, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in the moment. I’m listening even when it doesn’t look like it.

That, for me, some things are not as simple as willing myself through it. My partner is one of those people with iron self-control (ex: after smoking daily since he was a teen, he decided one day that he wasn’t going to anymore and just... stopped and hasn’t touched a cigarette since). The concept of NOT being able to exert mind over matter is totally foreign to him. He decides to do something and does it.

I cannot just do it. I want to do things. I want to accomplish a lot of things. But my mental starter doesn’t always work right. I have no inertia. And I get distracted along the way. And I forget what I was doing. And remember something else I wanted to do and go off on a tangent. And it’s boring and I don’t feel like it right now. And next thing I know, it’s been 3 days and I still haven’t emptied the trash like I promised I’d do. (Applies to bigger and more important things than chores as well.)

Don’t assume it’s laziness or from lack of willpower if there’s a gap between what your partner wants to do and what he actually does.

I am a high achiever, PhD, JD magna cum laude, etc. Never thought I had ADD or ADHD. But I always felt like I had to work harder than others to achieve what I did. I also always struggled with self esteem. I only had bad experiences with counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists, so I didn't trust them. (One caused me to be refused health insurance based on what he wrote in my medical record, another was arrested for robbing a bank shortly after our consultations, another’s business was shut down in an FBI raid due to allegations of sexual assault of minors...)

Last year I was going to start a new associate position at a big law firm, and I thought I would need the help of stimulants that I had heard about to keep up with the all-nighters while remaining alert and productive for days on end. So, I researched ADD and ADHD, for which these meds are prescribed, to learn the symptoms so I could get a diagnosis and the meds I felt I needed. I started recognising myself in the symptoms I was reading, in particular, the symptoms for ADHD inattentive type. I did get my diagnosis and my meds, honestly, even if my original intent wasn’t entirely in the right spirit.

When I first took my meds, I was amazed! I finally felt like I should feel, like I had been asleep for a very long time and had just awoken! My spouse really liked how I was after taking my meds. Because of side effects and a decline in effectiveness, I feel like I need to work with a psychiatrist on trying different meds to get the right equilibrium. But being diagnosed and treated is so helpful. I wish I had tried to get the meds sooner! 😀

Don’t take interrupting personally.

Jessica McCabe is great. #howtoadhd

I’m lucky that my partner immediately understood certain things were connected to my ADHD before I could even articulate them. Like my tendency to raise my voice and get really excited when talking. Or my frustration feedback loops. Or my nonstop never ending stories that go everywhere and nowhere at once. It really helps to have a partner who is extremely patient and who does not blame you for your neural atypicality.

Thank you everyone so much for sharing - it has been so helpful. Please expect many more questions from me in future!

I think one of the biggest reliefs for me with the diagnosis was learning not to take things personally - emotional outbursts, forgetting important dates - it's not because he doesn't care, or because of something I've done, it's because his brain isn't like mine. I generally find that if I keep that in mind, that gets us through the difficult patches.

My partner and I both struggle with this. He has ADD and I have ADHD. I think constant communication is key. I work to be understanding that he thinks a lot slower than me because my mind races. We talk a lot about what can help us be effective. Whether that be me writing things down as soon as we discuss so I don't forget. Or me making him a honey do list for his days off. We share our calendar and try to keep things organized for our schedules.
I think the best way to understand is to be open minded. I try to explain things I'm doing. "Like I know you're explaining something but I'm interrupting you because I have a question right now. I'm going to forget my question so can you answer it now. Even though you'll problem explain this later in this story. If you don't tell me now I will spend the next 5 mins wondering about that instead of listening to you." I've tried my best to articulate this but it's a work in progress.
Also if he's taking medicate, which he likely is or will be, take note of how he behaves on days with meds and days without. It's helped me understand the differences in his behaviors.

If you ever want to discuss more I'm open to sharing please message me.

Just because I forgot doesn’t mean it wasn’t important, doesn’t mean that my family isn’t important to me

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