{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My partner is a lawyer with ADHD, diagnosed as an adult, and about eight years into our 11 year relationship. We're working on him articulating how his brain works, and I want understand his experience as best I can. \n\nWhat's the one thing you wished your (non-ADHD) spouse/partner understood about living with ADHD? ", "post_id": "5f7bf38d405bfc002f42c449", "reply_count": 25, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "5e2f15782e2862001ad0e094", "bowl_name": "Lawyers with ADHD", "feed_type": "bowl" }

My partner is a lawyer with ADHD, diagnosed as an adult, and about eight years into our 11 year relationship. We're working on him articulating how his brain works, and I want understand his experience as best I can.

What's the one thing you wished your (non-ADHD) spouse/partner understood about living with ADHD?

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I have to ask things like “what do you want for dinner” over and over again. It’s not that I asked and didn’t care enough to listen. I listened, but with so many things floating in my head to keep track of, things get lost.

The interrupting is also real. If I have a thought, I feel a compulsion to get it out right away before it slips away.

The best partner for me (thankfully my husband fit the bill) is someone who will occasionally take the reigns and plan something where all I have to do is go - no prepping, planning, etc. The only way I have found for that to work is for him to say “I’m taking you out for the day on Saturday. Where warm clothes.” If he starts to tell me what we’re going to do, then I start wanting to plan.

If you keep “dream plans” in a collective place then you can snag your spouse’s prep work so you know it’s something he/she would like to do.

The Cozi app has been a lifesaver for us from everything to keeping a shared grocery list to a shared calendar and task lists. I even keep a camping list on there so if we ever go camping I can go down the list to make sure we’re bringing everything. It has reminders on the calendar so we don’t forget to pick our son up at school, for instance.

Finally, remember that as frustrating as it is to live with someone with ADHD, it’s frustrating for us to live with ourselves, too.

likehelpful

These are going to sound dramatic, but I promise they're real. I've learned that people with ADD do a tremendous job of hiding a lot of these issues (a lot of times because they don't know they have them). But it's these little changes that can make a huge difference in my day.

1. I struggle greatly with predicting how long something takes. If you ask me when I'll be ready for dinner, and I say 10 minutes but show up an hour or two later, just know that it's not on purpose and I'm more mad at myself than you are.

2. This happens much more frequently since working from home for covid, but some days I just have bad, unproductive days. There are days where I sat my computer all day long and didn't get a single email out, or I didn't get a single chore done. When I see you at the end of the day, and you ask me an innocent question like, "what did you do today?", I reflexively take that as you judging me for not being productive, or being mad at me thinking I'm lazy. I know that's not what you mean, but I can't help but feel that way when that question hits me. I'm already really mad at annoyed at myself for not getting anything done, and I'm already stressed out trying to figure out how I'll be able to catch up on my backlog of work, and sometimes all of that exodes and I'm swift with you, or give you an attitude, or become angrily defensive. My wife can recognize my bad days by my facial expressions when she comes home; I encourage you to find a system to learn when your spouse had a similar day, and on those days just empathize with him, ask him if he needs anything, and just let him you're there and you support him - but leave him be. Maybe ask if he had a rough day instead of what he got done.

3. When you make plans with him, try to stick to them as much as possible. I generally have trouble sticking to a plan (if I ever get around to making one), and need the support I can get. But, and it's a big but, that doesn't mean I need you to lecture me, or tell at me, or try to motivate me to follow that plan. Spouses make for terrible accountability partners because they love you too much and either go too hard on you, or are way too soft. All I ask is to refrain from making changes to my plan, or offering alternatives to my plan. Last minute changes are a nightmare. If we planned on going on a bike ride in the morning, when the alarm rings and we wake up, don't ask me if I'd rather go get breakfast or sleep in. Last minute changes, and just alternative options in general, are very stressful. It took everything I had to get up and get excited for the bike ride, and now I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep because I can't handle such a simple decision. Then I finally get out of bed, late, and I'm mad at myself for not exercising, then I fall behind on my first hour of work because I'm still half asleep and my mind is focused on the fact that I should have excercised, and then before I know it, it's time for bed and I literally did not get a single thing done.

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Please consider a coach or different meds. Just going from generic to brand name Concerta made a huge difference for me! I don’t feel like a robot either.

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I am also a lawyer with ADHD. My partner gets very frustrated with my memory.

I remember things he said to me 4 years ago in random conversations about things that he thinks are trivial, but I don’t remember things he said to me last week about topics that he thinks are quite important.

He interprets it to mean I’m not listening to him or I don’t care about what he’s saying to me. That’s not the case at all.

I wish he understood that my brain compartmentalizes things differently than his does. And 9.9 times out of 10 I’m really not trying to be a jerk.

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Yes my partner will often bring up conversations from years ago that I have zero memory of!

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I need to be doing multiple things at once, but that doesn’t mean I’m not in the moment. I’m listening even when it doesn’t look like it.

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That, for me, some things are not as simple as willing myself through it. My partner is one of those people with iron self-control (ex: after smoking daily since he was a teen, he decided one day that he wasn’t going to anymore and just... stopped and hasn’t touched a cigarette since). The concept of NOT being able to exert mind over matter is totally foreign to him. He decides to do something and does it.

I cannot just do it. I want to do things. I want to accomplish a lot of things. But my mental starter doesn’t always work right. I have no inertia. And I get distracted along the way. And I forget what I was doing. And remember something else I wanted to do and go off on a tangent. And it’s boring and I don’t feel like it right now. And next thing I know, it’s been 3 days and I still haven’t emptied the trash like I promised I’d do. (Applies to bigger and more important things than chores as well.)

Don’t assume it’s laziness or from lack of willpower if there’s a gap between what your partner wants to do and what he actually does.

likehelpful

This is definitely something I recognise - especially from things like planning holidays. When I get frustrated that he hasn't looked at the accommodation options I sent him, I now understand that it's not because he isn't interested in the trip!

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I am a high achiever, PhD, JD magna cum laude, etc. Never thought I had ADD or ADHD. But I always felt like I had to work harder than others to achieve what I did. I also always struggled with self esteem. I only had bad experiences with counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists, so I didn't trust them. (One caused me to be refused health insurance based on what he wrote in my medical record, another was arrested for robbing a bank shortly after our consultations, another’s business was shut down in an FBI raid due to allegations of sexual assault of minors...)

Last year I was going to start a new associate position at a big law firm, and I thought I would need the help of stimulants that I had heard about to keep up with the all-nighters while remaining alert and productive for days on end. So, I researched ADD and ADHD, for which these meds are prescribed, to learn the symptoms so I could get a diagnosis and the meds I felt I needed. I started recognising myself in the symptoms I was reading, in particular, the symptoms for ADHD inattentive type. I did get my diagnosis and my meds, honestly, even if my original intent wasn’t entirely in the right spirit.

When I first took my meds, I was amazed! I finally felt like I should feel, like I had been asleep for a very long time and had just awoken! My spouse really liked how I was after taking my meds. Because of side effects and a decline in effectiveness, I feel like I need to work with a psychiatrist on trying different meds to get the right equilibrium. But being diagnosed and treated is so helpful. I wish I had tried to get the meds sooner! 😀

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Don’t take interrupting personally.

Jessica McCabe is great. #howtoadhd

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I’m lucky that my partner immediately understood certain things were connected to my ADHD before I could even articulate them. Like my tendency to raise my voice and get really excited when talking. Or my frustration feedback loops. Or my nonstop never ending stories that go everywhere and nowhere at once. It really helps to have a partner who is extremely patient and who does not blame you for your neural atypicality.

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Thank you everyone so much for sharing - it has been so helpful. Please expect many more questions from me in future!

I think one of the biggest reliefs for me with the diagnosis was learning not to take things personally - emotional outbursts, forgetting important dates - it's not because he doesn't care, or because of something I've done, it's because his brain isn't like mine. I generally find that if I keep that in mind, that gets us through the difficult patches.

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My partner and I both struggle with this. He has ADD and I have ADHD. I think constant communication is key. I work to be understanding that he thinks a lot slower than me because my mind races. We talk a lot about what can help us be effective. Whether that be me writing things down as soon as we discuss so I don't forget. Or me making him a honey do list for his days off. We share our calendar and try to keep things organized for our schedules.
I think the best way to understand is to be open minded. I try to explain things I'm doing. "Like I know you're explaining something but I'm interrupting you because I have a question right now. I'm going to forget my question so can you answer it now. Even though you'll problem explain this later in this story. If you don't tell me now I will spend the next 5 mins wondering about that instead of listening to you." I've tried my best to articulate this but it's a work in progress.
Also if he's taking medicate, which he likely is or will be, take note of how he behaves on days with meds and days without. It's helped me understand the differences in his behaviors.

If you ever want to discuss more I'm open to sharing please message me.

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Thank you for your feedback and your kind offer to discuss! May take you up on that.

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Just because I forgot doesn’t mean it wasn’t important, doesn’t mean that my family isn’t important to me

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following this

Additional Posts in Lawyers with ADHD

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Anyone in the hospitals seeing the increase in monkey pox? How are y’all doing? You are not alone.

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I just turned 45 years old and I'm FINALLY feeling my age. 👵🏽 I slept wrong a few weeks ago and the pain in my back, neck and shoulder won't go away. 😥 I also got a vision check up and for the first time ever I'll need reading/work/computer glasses. 😩 Is this about the right age for things to start creaking? Man, to be 25 and invincible again!! Growing old SUCKS. 🤬

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Looking for assistant San Antonio tx

My ultimate goal is to get into consulting - I have two years left of my DBA and I have been told I missed the deadline for campus recruiting for next year. Would it be smart to apply for a executive assistant job and then once I have my foot in the door with the company and some experience, apply for a consulting role? Or would that be a bad idea?

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Is it normal for a recruiters to mail marketing materials to your home?

Someone's been reaching out to me on LinkedIn and yesterday I got a packet in the mail and I'm confused how they got my address.

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What do you enjoy about being a life science consultant? Do you feel you get enjoyment out of your work? What don’t you like? I really want a career where I can learn about multiple disease landscapes/projects and ultimately feel like I am somehow improving things for patients/HCPs/producers. Is this a right fit?

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Hey, what would be the charge code for smartphone reimbursement? Call center mentioned to ask leadership but everywhere else I'm seeing people say it's the bench code - GAA.
Do I really HAVE to ask someone from project management before ordering and also the charge code? Share your inputs please.

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Updated: Some sick person photoshopped it to look like Trump was mimicking Hitler and it’s being passed around as real.

Post Photo
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How many of you wanna be single life long?

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Now that 2021 is coming to a close…

What was your favorite pitched but failed concept for the year?

Did it die a dignified death?
Or was it slow and brutal, a sad shell of what it once was before getting the axe?

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Is there anyone who has worked for MBB before joining Deloitte? I took the plunge- I was in the Knowledge Consulting track (so, same hours, same work, half pay compared to integrative) with McKinsey, joined Deloitte about 6 months back... But things seem such lower quality compared to pretty much everything McK. And this stretches from the quality of solutions, to D's ability to counsel clients,to the benefits package AND to back office processes.

Is this expected?Or am I doing something wrong?

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Guys,

I will not be joining
KPMG Global Services and the I have informed to the HR.

But today I’ve received a message that a box of chocolate is on the way from KGS and will be delivered tomorrow.
Should I keep it or deny since I won’t be joining?

PS: The order contains only chocolates but not the laptop and other joining kit. 😁

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Have a cheap automatic watch which cant hold its time. Guessing it’s a super cheap movement since no brand on the watch and bought overseas at a small market. Where can I take it to get it fixed?

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Anyone have any advice/best practices on the best way to collect feedback in a workshop?

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I thought my counselor mentioned that an official communication on GSAP was going to come out yesterday. Has anyone heard anything?

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Do I need to send my private key in order to receive Bitcoin payment? I just been scammed $89,099. Any help will be appreciated

likesmartupliftinghelpful

What's the quality of SAP projects in PwC India?

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Every Sunday I say to myself...if I just didn't go to work tomorrow, how long could I go until I got fired.

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I’m a recruiter who only learned how to source through linkedin. Im looking for a new job but struggle with lack of sourcing experience. what other common ways are there to source candidates?

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Additional Posts (overall)

Does anyone else get major anxiety that they aren’t working hard enough when their co-workers go on and on and on and ON about how “work is a disaster” and they can’t even watch Netflix shows because “I’m just so busy with work”

It makes me feel like I can’t sign off for the day or bill a 10.5 hour day and then watch Squid Game because the other associates are “drowning” in work?

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How do you all deal with criticism and feedback at work? Like a lot of people with ADHD, I struggle with perfectionism and rejection sensitive dyphoria. My boss has really different expectation levels and patterns of thinking than I do and I’m struggling with constantly feeling like I should be doing better than I am because I am unable to anticipate needs. On the other hand, I know overall that I’m doing well at work because I keep getting assigned more complex tasks and being asked to take…

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I’m a 9th year in Big Law and have been struggling to get much work done the last 1.5 months. Mentioned this to my doctor at my recent visit, and she offered to increase my Vyvanse dosage, but I told her I wanted to see if it got better soon. I’m wondering now if it’s burnout. Anyone else experience burnout and see a decrease in the effectiveness of your meds, and if so, how did you overcome it?

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Recently stopped taking Concerta (after taking it for almost 2 years at varying doses) because it started having some negative effects on my heart rate. I'm getting started on Straterra and a little nervous because I've heard so many bad stories about it. I was super tired the first day I took it and so started taking it in the evenings. Anyone have any good Straterra experiences?

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Today the partner told me he thinks I have executive function issues. “Do you know what that is?”

I acted like I didn’t know and just ran to the bathroom and cried. I feel like I’ve been found out. Everyone tells you not to disclose your EF or ADHD issues and just try to cope, taking for granted older partners don’t know what’s up.

I don’t know what to do.

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Does anyone else take a day off from stimulants to try to resist building up a tolerance? I have had one psychiatrist recommend doing this, and another recommend NOT doing this.

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Anyone here ever taken Focus Factor? I’m on Strattera but am considering a switch because the regular appointments and cost of medication really adds up. Am curious to know if anyone feels like Focus Factor helped.

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I just discovered I have vision tracking issues: my eyes don’t converge together in close-up work and they don’t track together. My brain apparently handles this by ignoring the signal from one of my eyes - and alternates throughout the day which eye signal it ignores. The treatment involves vision therapy (eye exercises). Apparently getting this fixed may help with concentration issues since my brain won’t be fighting me sitting still and reading all day. Has anyone done this? Did it help?

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Just had partner comment “?why so much time?” and circle the times on my pre-bills. Sigh.

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Share your best work tips and tricks! For example, I recently spent about an hour setting up rules in Outlook to auto-filter junk emails and non-urgent emails (client alerts, data room notifications, bar association emails, etc.) into a separate folder that I can check a couple times a day. Don’t know how I didn’t think to do this years ago, but that’s about 50 fewer distractions each day since I’m one of those people who checks every email notification.

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I feel like my job is in danger at this point because of how often partners need to follow up with me, especially recently. I’ve been getting some harsh (but warranted) criticism about it yet I still can’t bring myself to do anything about it. I actually really like my firm and the work, but my motivation has never been lower and I’ve been here less than a year. Thought it could be my meds, so I just switched from adderall to concerta hoping it would make a difference, but it hasn’t. Help please

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My annual review came in and partners said I am likely their most organized associate lol. Thanks to my ADD for making me neurotic about organizing and documenting things.

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There’s been some posts on the best planning tools (e.g. planners, calendars, etc.), but my question is how do ppl make sure they use them? I get them and am excited about the possibility of them helping for about a week then I just stop using it. Even if I find it helpful I just never stay consistent with it. Does this happen to others? Any tricks or suggestions to stay consistent using planners, to do lists, calendars, etc.

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Started vyvance. I’m eating a lot, super hydrated, no caffeine and I still feel super weird. I’m calm and my brain feels great but physically my eyes are soo dry and my body just feels disassociated. It’s only been three days. Does this pass?

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Can anyone offer advice for helping with adderall side effects? I was diagnosed a few months ago and I am new to medication. I have been taking 20 mg xr in the morning but have a terrible crash around 2/3pm each day where I just get very very tired. Doctor recommended 10mg ir mid day to combat but I still experience pretty severe fatigue as a side effect. Just wondering if anyone has found any natural strategies to cope or mitigate. Thanks!

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I FORGOT TO TAKE MY VYVANCE TODAY🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️……at least this explains why I keep reading the same case law over and over and cannot finish writing a single paragraph all day

likehelpful

I know it’s nearing the end of mandatory WFH, but I’m currently still home 3-4 days a week. Really struggling with staying on task without people around. Is anyone willing to do a few hours of FaceTime during the day to body double for each other?

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Quick poll for people taking Lexapro:
What time of day you take it at - morning or night?
(Please like the sub-post below for either “morning” or “night” to give a quick answer.) Thanks, guys!!

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I used to think I had adhd but it turns out I’m bipolar. Just throwing that out there if you’ve never checked.

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