My partner lied about his eligibility to get a covid vaccine. I’m quite distraught. My mother hasn’t even gotten one. Nearly our first major fight in almost a year of dating.

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It shows a lack of ethics. Is this the person you want to possibly raise children with? Principles are incredibly important to me. I think it is ok to say honestly “this makes me question your character.” I actually think it would be a dealbreaker for me. I get that people are different but someone who operates without a moral compass would NOT be someone I’d want to attach to long term. I’d be glad you have this information now.

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NGL, that's pretty messed up. My husband and I both have high risk conditions and family members who are elderly and/or are at risk, so hearing about people doing things like this is really frustrating. I can definitely understand why you are upset, and I think you're right to be.

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My reply was assuming you live in the US, where vaccine rollout is at the state-level. I’m not yelling, I also have immunocompromised individuals in my family and we are worried and have been contacting our local reps because it’s the only way we feel we can have an impact on the vaccine rollout and getting it to everyone who needs it!

Is there any reason he did what he did? I think we all agree it’s not ethical but is there additional context?

Is he afraid of COVID? Of passing it to a relative? Is he working outside the home and feels he needs it?

I just think understanding why he lied may help level-set your anger.

If he just lied because he doesn’t care about anyone else or wants to get back to his normal life, then I would be upset. But maybe is it give him a chance to explain first.

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Thanks D3. Needed this.

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Agree that you have a right to be upset. Frontline workers are already having a hard enough time accessing vaccines. Extremely selfish.

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If I’m understanding this correctly, OPs partner lied in order to (falsely) qualify for early vaccine priority, which is incredibly messed up when there are so many front line workers and high risk individuals struggling to get access. Hope this helps clarify the issue at hand (if I’m reading this correctly) - it took me a few times reading it myself to understand the exact conflict here.

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He lied about qualifications for vaccine but he is not eligible!

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The haphazard way this rollout has been going I would do the same.

I don’t think it’s any longer (maybe never was) a situation of taking a dose away from a truly eligible person. Could just as well be taking a dose away from other liars or people who happen to work at a hospital but not on the front lines.

I think the only thing close to an implementable criteria in our current situation (lack of coherent health records, lack of coordination in general, no way to verify anything) is age. So that’s the only “rule” I plan to adhere to. Once we’re beyond 65+ it’s every man for himself. That’s just reality on how it’s going to go down.

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Yeah, but you don’t need it more than someone who actually has medical conditions that could lead to poor outcomes if they got COVID.

I both understand the impulse and be really turned off by it. On the one hand this whole thing is a dumpster fire so I get the desire to skip the line. On the other hand my child has never met her grandparents and my SO and I agree we should be last in line to get vaccinated because we are so fortunate to have jobs that keep us safe. So when I hear about someone cheating I’m angry. I don’t know... everything is the worst.

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Morality aside, he is obviously scared to either get the virus and/or spread it to others. The pandemic instills fear in people and makes us act like not the best version of ourselves. Yes, he should ‘wait in line’ out of respect but in the same time, it benefits ALL of us that he got vaccinated. The site administering the vaccine should do a better check of credentials, I’m surprised they aren’t more prepared.

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We can’t absolve ourselves of having a conscience by saying the site should have checked. Character is doing the right thing even when no one is watching. I’m surprised at how many people are working to justify this behavior.

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Did he actually lie or was he offered a vaccine that would have just been flushed? I have heard of a few people that were in the right place at the right time and got the shot before they were eligible because otherwise it would have been thrown out.

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He did... and that what I can’t get over.
He does have some medical conditions but unclear they classify him as high risk. I’m upset about the lying, but really more-so, that my 11-month honeymoon phase around a perfect guy just burst.

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So he’s like this guy basically.

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You know what’s the weirdest to me? He didn’t discuss it with you first like “hey, I think there’s an opp to get it if I say X which I think we should take advantage of because of Y, what do you think?” Kinda feels more like betrayal because it was behind your back

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This. 100%. I think it’s the main reason I’m upset.

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Employment and risk level. He is not yet eligible.

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D1. Yeah it seems he lied to jump the line.

It’s a big red flag. Tuck it away, keep your eye out for more...I once dated a guy who loved to exploit “loopholes.” Really he just operated with totally dishonesty all the time and would pat himself on the back for being smart enough to use this or that avenue. It wasn’t all apparent at once, but slowly I realized he was a narcissist.

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What did they lie about?

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Why is him getting a vaccine such a big deal for your relationship? I’m just trying to understand..

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Thanks, OP.. that clarifies things for me. I think that’s a pretty dick move as well.

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Slow down. What’s the problem?

Why did he lie? So you both are able to visit family/friends at a higher risk?

I think it’s time for a really brutally honest conversation about values and personal stances on certain things. I’m not particularly tolerant of selfishness and dishonesty, so this would be a deal-breaker for me, but I’d give him a small benefit of the doubt if he’s been really anxious about getting COVID or has some other plausible reason for jumping the line.

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