My SO and I have been dating for a short time but he was there for me through my lowest lows. I love him a lot and he loves me too but I feel like he has no desire for me in bed. I go out of my way to take care of him and give him what he wants but my needs are never taken care of. I just brought it up tonight and I feel so guilty. He understood and said that he will be better but idk. I don’t want our relationship to end because of this but I feel so invalidated I can’t stop crying.

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Just work on it, good sex generally comes through good comms.

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Use a vibrator during sex, I usually do that and take credit when she climaxes

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I have, during a LDR. It was fun controlling it from afar

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Let me get this straight... You feel guilty for telling a man you want more/better sex? I'd be like 🥳🎉 🥂 and at least 95% of married men would be the same. If this guy can't satisfy you then you should get someone who can. Sounds like you're through those "lowest of lows" now and ready to upgrade, life is to short to stay romantically involved with someone out of obligation

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What would have been a better outcome of this talk?

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Hey OP, gotcha, and it’s frustrating that this a recurring issue that doesn’t seem to be getting any better. I’ve been there in a past relationship and didn’t know how to handle it other than constant “talks” about how it’s not working, but couldn’t break through and make improvements.

Someone else mentioned this in another reply, but conversations about sexual satisfaction are most effective when it’s *in the moment coaching* ... like guide him through what feels good while you’re in the moment. Make suggestions of things you want to do or try.

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You said you communicated over text in a reply. You need to communicate in the bedroom. I understand that you feel he should be meeting your needs, but in the past, communicating with my SO in a fun (not critical) way led to massive improvements

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I’ve been in this position and it lasted years. You say it’s been a short time since you’ve started dating. Have they ever satisfied you? In my case, he didn’t. Yet he was a great person in every way and while our chemistry was there, we lacked sexual chemistry.

I ended it. It was rough, but I had to be true to my needs. My bf now is far from perfect but still a good person and great bf. We’re attracted to one another and he provides multiple Os which literally made me sad that I was missing out on before. I’m much happier than I was in the 5+ years of my last r/ship.

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I would distill it down to this: you are communicating your needs. He will respond however he responds. If it is genuinely a good relationship, he will invest time and energy into meeting them. If he does not, then good to know now. Nothing wrong with communicating your needs clearly and making decisions based on how your partner responds

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Just wanted to vent here because I can’t talk about this to anyone else

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Thank you A1. It’s just really frustrating that someone you love so deeply and claims to love you the same doesn’t even have the desire to touch you :(((

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Besides the obvious talk to him part maybe he has a kink that he is afraid to tell you that gets him off.

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No we already discussed our kinks. I’m very open sexually and am always down try to new stuff. In fact, he is getting everything he wants from me lol and I’m always trying to get better at it so he can enjoy it

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Hopefully he is appreciative because now he can be a better lover to you. If he loves you, he will want to be better to you

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I’m sure he’s glad you told him. He probably didn’t know, and will try harder now. It’s better than never telling him

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Unfortunately we have spoken about this a few times in the past. But it’s a complicated situation and at that time he really was trying his best but I’m not sure if that’s the case anymore

Been with someone I really liked but didn’t find us very compatible in bed. I think that’s just what’s called chemistry - you can’t force it. You can however consciously do things to allure him. Keep doing things that make yourself glow.

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I fully agree. Our relationship is great in every other aspect and he’s an amazing guy overall. It’s just that it’s very difficult to feel good when your partner doesn’t touch you as passionately as you would like :(

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I’ve been in a relationship like this for 8 years. I’m also struggling; it’s always been an issue but I assumed at the beginning that it would resolve over time. It didn’t, and he does try but I really feel the lack of chemistry. It’s especially hard if you then meet someone you do have that chemistry with. I can’t tell you what the right choice is because being loved and being with someone you are comfortable with is so important, but from my experience the lack of chemistry just becomes a bigger and bigger issue. Wishing you the best of luck.

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What’s your ig

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Try and see if there's specific call-outs or suggestions to make. I suffered from a lot of selfishness in the bedroom, and my exes would call me out on it, but I never paid attention or actually understood what they wanted. If there's certain positions you wish you guys would try more, say that. If you want him to go down on you more, say that. If you want more foreplay, more touching, or more passionate embracing, say that.

Just to give this some new perspective, I have a similar situation with my gf. And for me the desire has faded when things got emotionally low on her end. It created an imbalance between us and shifted the relationship in a way that was not healthy. It’s not the gfs fault, but just sharing my experience that maybe it’s not about the sex or physical attraction at all. For me, this is still hard to address with my gf as I don’t want to make her feel bad for having gone through a tough time and every time she brings it up, I feel even worse and would love to avoid that conversation. So not sure if that’s the same for your bf, but I think it’s important to reflect after emotional lows together and see how to regain the balance. I will continue trying to do that with my gf as we are on our path to recovery.

Crossing fingers for you!

Maybe stop giving him what he wants until he’s given you what you want? e.g., before giving him a bj, flirtatiously push his head down on you

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