My SO and I have been talking about getting married and having kids in the future. We have been arguing a lot over last names. I don't want to change my last name, he says he's okay with that compromi

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No, your wants are valid. This is important to you and he should get that, and care, if he cares about you. I’m the same as you, btw, and my last husband didn’t like that I kept my name. Red flag. My current boyfriend brought up that he wants to have kids with me and they’ll have my last name. All on his own.

likeupliftingfunny

Ugh where did you find your man. I want one

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I’m team mom here! I didn’t change my last name when I married my husband AND our daughter has MY last name!!!! haha! Stand your ground mama!!! Feel free to PM me anytime!

likeupliftinghelpful

Mck2- how did he take it / what did you need to do to convince him?

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Given societal norms, yes you are blowing things out of proportion. We are still far away from gender equality, and last names are something that is logistically tricky. I personally think it’s insane you would want your kids to have two different last names. And so many guys just assume the woman will take their last name, so it is a compromise on their part even if that’s not really fair. He’s right, others would judge you.

likefunnysmarthelpful

I think two last names is fine (although not optimal) but having your kids with different last names is a reflection of stubbornness. In all reality who cares unless you’re the last person in your family bearing your last name.

A timely reminder that cultural norms do not exist without reinforcement. They do not have power on their own.

likesmart

Don’t give the kids different last names

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So it sounds like he’s willing to accept you keeping your last name, and that he wants the kids to have his last name only. It seems like you could explain why it’s important to you to pass on your name to the kids and reach a reasonable compromise. This doesn’t seem like it’s worth arguing over (are you actually getting heated about this, or just having the same discussion over and over?) It seems that what is bothering you most is his thought process to get to acceptance of what you want ... that he sees it as a compromise for you to keep your name and to pass it on to the kids. I think that’s what you need to think about most ... are you able to accept how he feels and keep your name without feeling like there is some residual resentment?

I kept my name and our kids have his name. My husband said he was supportive and at the end of the day didn’t care, but any time it comes up, I can tell he feels a little bit like it’s a rejection of him. He respects my identity and can identify with not wanting someone to demand that he change his name just because of marriage. I appreciate that his feeling of rejection doesn’t get put on me in the form of pressuring me to change my name. Ironically, my family all address cards and whatnot to Mrs. His Name. I don’t mind being called Mrs. His Name and I expect that when the kids get to school, that will be more common. I don’t correct them. There is just something about keeping my name in the formal, legal sense that is important to me.

At the end of the day, if it’s important enough to you to take a stand, then you’ll have to find a way to work it out or walk away. This is just such a small decision in the span of a marriage, so it’s good practice for how to make life- alternating, important decisions together.

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D1, your comments are spot on for describing how I (and probably many others) feel about this topic. I’m surprised i didn’t see them earlier. 👏🏻

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but in my mind there's nothing to compromise because changing my last name was not up for discussion. similarly, I would want kids to have hyphenated names (compromise) or all have my last name or have the kids have different last names with one having mine and another kid having his (compromise). He claims I'm being unreasonable and the kids should have his last name because it's "easy". also thinks that it reflects badly on him that I won't take his last name. am I blowing things out of proportion??

likeuplifting

That’s nothing nee

I told my husband if he wanted me and my children (who come from my uterus) to have his last name I would need to be compensated for it. We discussed this before marriage. I set the dollar amount at a number high enough that would make this a deterrent. Woman having to start demanding changes. He went along with it.

likefunnyuplifting

I know this girl where her and her husband both changed their last names to girl’s last name-boy’s last name. I think it’s really cool. So I think that your wants are def valid!

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I am going to get married soon and I’ve also had this discussion. The fact is, it is so demeaning that men or partners do not consider the extent of time and sometimes money that it takes to change one’s name. Also, not to mention the loss of personal branding that happens in the process. For some of us that have spent considerable time trying to develop that we now have two very publicly tell the world about our marital status which I feel that it is nobody’s business. If divorce ever happens, we have to also publicly imply that it has happened. I support you and stand your ground.

likeuplifting

Oh, SC2– him making jokes about you changing your name means in a few years time both you and your kids will have his name. You “didn’t decide”; he already has. And what’s frustrating to me is the number of women who have dismissed the name issue as a “small” thing. We really don’t value ourselves as much as our husbands, do we? I hope that changes with our children. It doesn’t have to be this way. And no, EY2, the sacrifices women make to have children are no where near what men do, systematically in our society as it is today.

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Bcg1, I’m going to respond only to your last bullet point... changing minds, making men progressive should not be measured through just one decision/action. Ie, there are other areas of relationships where norm could be reversed. Secondly, just because we chose husbands last name does not mean we are STEEPED in patriarchy. Maybe the joy comes from winning a “battle”. It’s the same sentiment if one of the women here got her way with the last name. And it also does not mean the patriarchy was not challenged.

I hope folks reflect on this thread and see how piling on others without the full picture is judgmental and not cool.

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🤷‍♀️

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likefunny

Omg stop I was JUST GOING TO POST THIS!! Lol thanks for adding a little humor to this :)

likeuplifting

I had coworkers who both hated their last names. One was very common/used (think: Smith), and the other was long and confusing with a lot of vowels, which meant folks inevitably always tripped up when trying to pronounce it for the first time. When they married, they created a brand new last name that was a combination of the two! I thought that was a lovely compromise!

As for the kids.. I don’t like the idea of kids having split last names. I would absolutely not want to have a different last name than my brother. It’s likely they’ll understand when they’re older, but when they’re young and other kids ask questions it could lead to them feeling different and isolated.

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I might be the unpopular opinion here. I didn’t change my last name. That was important for me. But our kid has husbands last name. For me it was not a hill I wanted to die on and I was ok being traditional in that sense. At the end of the day for me it was more important that our kids are happy and healthy and loved, doesn’t matter if they have my last name or not. Doesn’t make me less of a mother.

I also don’t agree with the MY uterus, MY stretch marks, MY boobs, MY body comments here. My husband was a genetic contributor, did things I couldn’t do during pregnancy, was there every step of the way as I struggled with breastfeeding and helped me do it for a year, was the first one to change his diapers... he taught me how to put it on in week 3. I sacrificed my body, but he also sacrificed his... and his weight loss, wrinkles, dark circles, etc are proof.

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Good point!

My husband was weird about me not wanting to take his name at first. I just kept saying why should the woman have to take the mans name in a relationship? When we had more of a discussion he came to a realization that it wasn’t about me not having his name but us having different names. And for me it wasn’t about losing my name but about having to do something because of the patriarchy We then made the decision to both change our last names to a combination of both of our names. Our kids will also have the same name. It has worked really well for us. Based on what you said this likely isn’t your issue but it is an option to bring up as well.

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Thank god I’m a lesbian.

likefunny

EY5 is definitely a man.

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Whichever way you go, as someone with a hyphenated name, please don’t do that to your kid(s). It will cause them consistent headache every time they have to deal with mail, legal documents, etc.

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One of the first things I brought up with my partner was nothing was going to make me change my last name and our kids can have his last name but that’s an erasure of me in their identity.
Safe to say our first child has my name as well 💕

likeuplifting

On the patriarchy issue, I think about it a bit differently: I don’t get to choose my dad but I do get to choose my husband. And looking at other countries I wouldn’t say cultures where women keep their names (including mine) are necessarily less patriarchal than ones where women take their husband’s.
I was happy to “trade off” having our kids take my husband’s last name for having the main say in their first names. My husband didn’t get to choose his last name whereas I have many many choices in first names. 😏

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Love this!

All I have to say is, if men worked that hard to build a human from scratch (similar to a building or business) you can bet they would put their last name alllllll over that!

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