My SO has been a pot smoker for nearly 20 years. He's smoked nearly daily since he started in college, sometimes multiple times a day. I've always had issues with it, but since he was high functioning I didn't mind it too much until we recently had a child together. After baby was born, he continues to smoke multiple times a day and didn't have a problem with his family smoking in the house until I called him out and got into a huge fight. Continued in the comment...

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Was this discussed prior to having the baby? It’s going to be more uphill if this was never brought up since he was functioning

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Hey OP. Living with an addict isn't easy. However trying to force someone to change their habbits won't work. I lived in denial and made umpteen promises that I routinely broke for years before I got sober. Your husband has to have the desire to change on his own or it won't last. You have to lay down consequences and stick to them. Keep trying to get him into therapy and group programs.

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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Pot is a very difficult thing to quit for an addict, and it sounds like your SO is addicted. You’re right that he needs to quit and needs professional help. I don’t have specific quitting advice, but realize that his moodiness is a product of the addiction. He’s used a substance as a coping mechanism for decades and losing that coping mechanism is hard. You aren’t causing the bad moods, and you aren’t being overbearing. If he seems resistant to finding professional help, you might offer to call some therapists who specialize in addiction, which could at least get that ball rolling.

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I have to agree with the previous poster. Appealing to an addict to change their behavior for you, for the baby, for ANY reason that makes sense to a rational person may have a short term impact but will likely not lead to a long term sobriety. In the end, your SO has to decide for themselves, and you have to decide what you’re willing to tolerate.

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Thank you everyone for your helpful advices. I frankly never realized this as an addiction until now and considered it a bad habit. But I have asked him to quit/cut back for over 7 years, and as many of you said he never felt the need to quit because he didn't necessarily see consequences and tried to "quit" but continued smoking anyways when I was longer mad at him. But last weekend, he lied about smoking (altho I could smell it on him), so I took the baby away from him and asked him to leave the house, that is when he said he'd quit for good and admitted that this was indeed a serious problem for him. However, as he has made this promise so many times to me before, especially before and after the baby was born, I am lost and devastated.

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The moodiness is from withdrawals. Having smoked for 20 years, he’ll have withdrawals for almost a month. If he can get through that he should be fine although cravings will be high for at least a year. It’s going to be hard for him but also understand that forcing him to quit will possibly lead to him smoking in private and keeping more things from you

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Since then he promised to cut back to once a day as a sleeping aid. Sadly, I caught him smoking when he was watching the baby (not next to the baby, but in the bathroom nearby). He felt terrible and said he'd cur back to once a day (for real this time). I told him that he had to cut back entirely and asked him to seek professional help (therapy, support group, etc.). It's been two days since he stopped smoking, but he is very moody and makes me feel bad for making him quit. I am trying to be compassionate, but I am very tired and frustrated by constant fight about this. I want to support him as best as I can... but I don't know if I can anymore. Any advices you folks can offer me? How can I best help without being overbearing and feeling this odd guilt

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Unfortunately your SO will need to see the light of day himself. You confronting him is good but only to an extent. He could end up resenting you and that won’t help anything. Get him to go to a 12-step program. He will meet other people like himself and see that it is possible to stay sober. Once he sees this reality he will never be able to get high in the same way again. It will essentially ruin his smoking career. This isn’t to say he will stop immediately but could set him on the path to recovery as he will need to hit his own bottom. And by all means let him hit that bottom. It’s the only way out. There’s only one way to go when you bottom out.

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Hey OP, are you able to elaborate on the consequences of the habit that you and you’re family have endured as a result of this habit? Just trying to get a sense of the severity of the negative consequences associated with the smoking.

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Yeah, he was put on PIP since pandemic started due to him smoking during the work day (he could lose his job as he has clearance). Personally, we separated for awhile in the past because he brought a drug dealer to the house for him to buy weed when I was pregnant.

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Question OP, does his smoking have specific consequences in your personal and family life that you feel to be distinctly negative? Obviously smoking anything near a child or in your shared habitat is not good, but what happens after the smoking is done? I ask this because it’s quite possible that your partner is not an addict but rather self medicating to fill specific needs. If smoking leads to other faults either at home or at work then I can see the problem.

May I ask a potentially stupid question? Coming from a genuine place, I promise! I feel as though my entire life I’ve been told (conversation, reading, etc.) that marijuana is not an addictive substance. That you simply cannot become addicted to pot. Therefore, I’ve always considered this issue, when I’ve encountered it in my friends, family, etc., to be in actuality an issue of anxiety, depression, or something else, and that marijuana addiction programs were a way for them to skirt their real issues. Almost like it was easier to claim a chemical addiction than a mental health issue. Again, these have just been my own thoughts and perspective up until this point based on what I considered to be fact. Really interested if anyone has had a similar experience/why they shifted in their perspectives/etc. Wishing all the best to everyone.

Thanks very much again for your reply!

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