My SO is scared to ask his parents for his money back. The money they were holding on to for him. Now that he’s a grown man I think he’s old enough to hold on to his own money. He like needs a valid excuse to ask for it back and I’m like why do you need an excuse when it’s your money and he’s like well I don’t want to start a fight…. And the last time he spoke to his parents about it apparently there’s been some mix ups and so they need to sort thru what’s his etc. (CONT’d in comments)

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So why can't you make up a reason? He wants to invest his money to eventually save for a down payment for a house? I'm sure it's not that big of a stretch

That’s a great idea! Thank you 🙏

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He probably feels a bit silly as well, that he's still under his parents thumb when he's a grown man, and will be looking bad in your eyes as well. The bigger issue is how to make sure he's not giving any more cash, and also for you to document properly the financing of your new home, so its clear who paid what, just in case you need that in the future (hopefully not, but better to be safe than sorry).

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Extremely weird since he was in his early 20's.. No advice here but to confront & be straight forward.. Or just forget about it. Was it a lot of money? But holding on to a early 20 YO's money.. Why didn't they just make him a bank/investment acct in his name but don't give him the debt card or log in so it can easily be retrieved later on? Unless he would've went around & got access cause he's that irresponsible?

I'm from an Asian family so my initial thought, his parents held onto his lunar new year /birthday money when he was a kid & 30yrs later he wants it back 🤣 my parents did that, it's long gone.

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Have you purchased a home yet?

He just can’t see the bad in his family because it’s his family but if it interferes with my future I will be annoyed. I also don’t want to stress him out so I’m just very conflicted right now.

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My husband’s family has a remarkable amount of insanity/weird dynamics in it. At first he didn’t want to acknowledge it and that was so frustrating. But with time he has become willing and it’s improved our relationship and sense of safety in our relationship. We both come first and our families of origin after. That boundary is so important.

It’s a different world for real. Almost 30 and still asking permission from parents?? Got to cut that chord.

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It’s not sexy

Is it wrong of me to be 1. Annoyed 2. Think it’s weird af?

He keeps telling me his parents are good for it but then then Amt changed and the fact that he needs an excuse is super frustrating.

And I get it his money is his money but it’s more so the situation is mind boggling to me. Like why need an excuse to get what’s yours?

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What money? Like a trust fund?

No it’s money he’s saved up in his early 20’s but he was super irresponsible with his money so him and his parents came up with an agreement that they’d hold on to it for him. He’s almost 30 now and completely financially responsible so this is just bizarre to me.

Lol is he from an immigrant family? The money is gone or “re-invested”. Your S.O needs to disengage from his family for any significant change- this behavior goes further than just money. IDK if you’re married but this is a huge red flag, I’ve seen this same situation play out before and it is miserable.

Yes this is what you will do with your husband , if you continue on same track 😊 nothing against you but do not be a control freak - you are bound to lose him as you cannot even sustain a conversation on this topic .

I think the money has gone - his parents have used it for something else and will have rationalised it in some way. I loaned my parents money and never really expected to get it back (and I didnt), but this is very different. Your SO needs to either sort it out or just leave it but make sure no more money wings their way, which must be achievable for someone in their 30s!

This is all an indication that in the future he will be deferential to his parents, even with the REALLY import stuff. Which I find to be really troubling. Both of you have to have a strong sense of authority over your lives and I don’t love the way he seems to shy away from that. It makes me worry about how he will show up for you in the future

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Any idea of how much it would be? Could he just say he wants to control how it’s invested or say he has some kind of investment opportunity? It definitely sounds odd to me and I would be annoyed too. I also just don’t like parents/in laws being controlling or having their hands too deep in their children’s lives.

Yeah I’ll talk to him to tonight on how we could approach this without being offensive to them. And yes I know the amount and it could make it a difference in our lives.

This might seem like a stretch, but I promise I’m being 100% genuine here.

Therapy. He needs therapy. There’s something about that parental/familial relationship that makes him feel like it’s better for him to be passive and let the money stay where it is, even if he needs it, versus potentially rocking the boat with mom and dad to get what’s his. He needs to figure out why this is something he stresses about, because I agree with some of the comments above that this is a red flag that likely will extend beyond this sum of money and beyond finances in general.

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