{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My SO just told me she’s expecting a $30k engagement ring and says that’s a normal price… Is that actually normal or am I crazy to think that’s absurdly expensive? Context: we’re 26 combined income ~220k", "post_id": "60cbebe2988c340021d190eb", "reply_count": 584, "vote_count": 71, "bowl_id": "552d1d24dc1c586b09d2d051", "bowl_name": "Consulting" }

My SO just told me she’s expecting a $30k engagement ring and says that’s a normal price… Is that actually normal or am I crazy to think that’s absurdly expensive? Context: we’re 26 combined income ~220k

likefunnyhelpful
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The number is irrelevant as it depends on your social circles, your financial profile, and your philosophy on spending. What’s more important is if this is typical behavior from your fiancée: telling you she is expecting something, especially in terms of how fancy or expensive something should be. Do you guys live a more extravagant lifestyle? Does your wife buy luxury handbags and designer labels and have expensive jewelry already? Do you guys go to frequently go out to fancy dinners or take extravagant vacations? If this is typical behavior from your future wife, by her justifying something because she feels it’s normalized, then I think you don’t have much choice but to spend the money to keep her happy. Have you guys had a convo about finances yet? About budgeting and expectations over the years? $30k for that combined income seems like you’re stretching it quite a bit (assuming you make 1/2 of that). The scarier question to me is how much does she expect your wedding to cost?

likesmart

If she's asking for a 30k ring I would assume she already lives a fairly extravagant life, and this isn't the first time she's expected luxury things from OP. Nothing wrong with nice things, but the expectation of them is something I couldn't personally deal with.

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So, I thought a little about this. Can you honestly picture this woman staying with you if you lost your job tomorrow? These days, very few people stay with the same company (or even in the same career field) for the duration of their career. Is she planning to work once you have kids? If not, will she be able to accept that major financial sacrifices will need to take place if you become a one income family, even if only for awhile? I personally would recommend having some serious conversations about finances and lifestyle expectations. Most importantly, will you be comfortable working like a dog and missing out on import milestones in your children's lives (assuming you want them) just to maintain lifestyle expectations/ keep up with the Jones'? Will there ever be "enough" money for this woman to be happy? As a woman myself, I feel that marriage is about love and family, not $$$. My husband and I have been through our share of ups and downs in our careers, and we have had many times where we have really had to tighten the purse strap for the good of our family and our futures. Most importantly, we have each others' backs, which is why our marriage works. Would she have your back if there were a serious financial setback in your future (illness, medical bills, job loss, family needs, etc.)? Will she be happy if you can't buy her everything her friends have? Personally, if you really believe that this woman is the one for you and will have your back through all of life's ups and downs, I would suggest starting with a more modest ring budget (ideally one that you don't have to finance) and upgrading it on a milestone anniversary later.

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"" lifestyle expectations"" I'm thinking exorbitant

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A lot of people are going to say it’s absurd and it is very very expensive. Still about half of what my ex was expecting - she ended up with no ring at all

likefunnysmartuplifting

Now this is the type of ending that makes me happy

like

That’s not normal man, my comp is $200 and I spent $7k last year for a real nice ring. To this day, I catch her admiring the ring (even if she doesn’t think I’m looking) and the smile it puts on her face is priceless. If she is putting a n absurdly high minimum on what would make her smile, that’s kinda a red flag. Then if you spend 30k, she’ll always think you did the bare minimum, so realistically you’d be looking closer to 40k. Also, someone who randomly throws out a massive number like that has clearly never researched diamonds. There is no reason in this world to get a D/FL diamond, and that’s pretty much what you’re looking at in that range.

likesmarthelpful

Yeah I think I spend like 8k years ago. This seems crazy to me but I guess it depends on who your comparison is to.

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Wow. I have no words. I’m definitely not in this social circle and would never want to be. I have a lab created ring and it suits me just fine. My husband had no need for a fancy engagement watch. Think of all the wiser choices you could make with that money. I clearly do not get this mindset. 🤷‍♀️

likesmarthelpful

Amen! Just…wth? If you’d leave your SO over the price tag of the *ring*?! You probably aren’t meant for each other (or, like, maybe *anyone*…at least not yet…

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Dude, run.

likeupliftingfunnysmart

You know how 1/2 marriages end in divorce? These are the early behaviours of the unsuccessful half.

like

However much she wants you to spend on an engagement ring, she should spend on an engagement watch.

likesmartfunny

SC1 can't tell if you're joking or not. No, the engagement ring is most often combined with a wedding band (which typically complements and is simpler) to the engagement ring. They get fused together.

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Damn this thread is making me hella self conscious about my 2k my wife has

likefunnysmart

My ring was $5k. Love it and wouldn’t change it for anything. We’ve been married almost 13 years with two kids.

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My husband spent $26K on my engagement ring and another $3K on my wedding band. He wasn’t making all that much at the time and used most of his savings - it felt good to know he was willing to spend that much for me. I know his peers spent around that ballpark too +/- $5K. Also - men compare more than woman do… it’s almost a flex talking about how much they spent… they talk about this at work/church/just any social gathering. Also women compare too, some of my girlfriends are still not happy about their ring (ranging from $1K - $3K)

funnylike

"Wasn't making all that much at the time, spent most of his savings" but then later on you say "a ring shouldn't be more than 5% of your net worth". Make up your mind!

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God I should stay single forever

likefunny

WTF you all need to chill out on the taking care of my wife mindset. I make more than my bf, I broke my ring finger last year so if he spends more than 1k on my ring I would find it silly. Maybe you should consider it’s your mindset that’s driving you to find incompatible women

like

Tangential question. I honestly feel guilty letting my man pay for an expensive dinner, I could not in good faith tell him I expect a ring of that cost. This is a normal thing?

likefunny

Anything for the gram and the status these days I guess. Normal in some circles and preposterous in most.

like

You guys are either really rich or really poor

likefunnyhelpful

D2, they’re really rich if they can spend all that money and not notice, or really poor if they spent all that money and have nothing left. 🙃

likefunny

There used to be a rule that an engagement ring should be X months’ salary. I don’t remember what the number was. Also think that formula may have generated from DeBeers…

likesmartfunny

When I was an Associate, the topic of 3 months’ salary came up. So the first question was, “gross or net?” The ultimate solution the guys came up with was to hedge our position and pre-buy a ring for future use at our suppressed salaries to hedge against promotion-adjusted ring inflation.

likefunny

I spent 5k and got a lab created diamond. They look no different then a real diamond and are much cheaper

likefunny

I’m looking to buy a ring in the next 3-6 months. Can anyone elaborate on where they got their lab created diamond from or if there are any stores I should specifically look at? For reference I’m in Houston

She will leave you if you get her anything under 20k…. I expect my significant other to spend 30k on mine and that reasonable among our friend group…

funnylike

Let her leave him lol you’re both are gold diggers

like

In my view, If your SO is “expecting”, the ring to hit a particular price point, you should think hard about this. People like that often also “expect” the wedding to be of a certain size, at a certain destination, with a certain theme, etc. Chances are, she’s planned all this her entire life. The only missing piece was the name of the groom. Later she’ll probably expect a certain house, in a certain part of town, driving certain cars, with the kids attending certain preschools. The only true expectation should be that you both love, respect, support, communicate with each other, and make big decisions together. The rest is materialistic BS, which 50% of the time end up being inventoried by divorce lawyers down the road. FWIW, I’ve been happily married for 32 years.

likehelpful

I remember the guy I was buying the ring from saying “if she doesn’t like it, you can return it”, and I replied “this is the one she’s getting and she’d better like it”. What exactly did she do to “earn” a ring that expensive? Is this a transaction? It it important for her to show off with other people’s money? Does she buy you a 30k watch to compensate? I’m sorry but I just can get my head around this… Red flag. Run.

likesmartfunny

I agree with you D2 about the fact you can talk about it, but I don’t get the disposition of expecting a gift of that size. In my book, marriage is a joint venture based on equality and the fact you believe the both of you are stronger together than apart and I find that very difficult to align with a 30k gift to kick things off.

like

It starts with the ring. Then the Range Rover. Then the annual Fuji vacation. Then the Manhattan condo. But then again If she is making good money and you are making good money then it’s doable.

likefunny

Lol I’m having trouble envisioning a woman who demands a min $30k ring summit mt. Fuji every year 😂

likefunny

I bought my wife a $16K ring from Tiffany several years ago when I was making about $110K and felt even that was a stretch. I pushed myself and saved hard. I can’t imagine spending double on a ring. The 2-3x monthly salary norm for the engagement ring should be based on YOUR income, not your combined income. I mean, unless you’re making $210k and she’s making $10K. Long story short her expectation is unreasonable.

likesmartfunny

Also convenient that the number "expected" to spend on a ring was created by...the diamond industry themselves...ridiculous.

Our engagement ring was a thousand dollars. That was what my husband could afford at that time and not put it on his credit card or spend money he didn’t necessarily have. 8 years later, my husband makes north of a million. I still wear our cheap ring and wouldn’t change it for the world. It shows me I have a sensible man who understands finances and can take care of the family regardless of where our fortunes may (or may not be). Different people value different things. Trust your partner and see if their values align with yours

likeupliftingsmart

I really love that you value your original ring (and original husband) so much. :) I bought my hot but usually sensible wife a 20th anniversary ring. It was what she wanted. I wanted to get he something much more fancy and expensive. Nope. It cost <$2.5k though she knew that I’d spend more and knows we are blessed to have the money to afford much more. She likes the design and would have been upset. Spent the extra instead on feeding some starving children and helping trafficked women. Invested some as well. Win! I spent more on her original set but nowhere near $30K. Today that set (including quite good quality 1ct engagement solitaire) would probably go for 15k depending where sold. Didn’t spend nearly that much at the time either.

like

Huge red flag. If she's right for you and you're right for her and you both know it, she's accept a ring-pop. I spent 4.5k on a ring when I was making 80k salary and even that felt like a stretch at that point in my life, but I did it because I wanted to, not because she had any expectation for what type of ring she'd end up with. If that's the clue you're getting, run and don't look back. It'll only get worse.

likehelpful

I don’t think the norm really matters. If you want to spend more on a ring then spend more, if you want to spend less then spend less. If you think $30k is unreasonable then have a conversation with her about what you think is within your limits. Grow up and talk to your partner instead of posting about your problems online.

likesmart

Spot on D3

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