My SO was laid off and has recently delved into philosophy and intense introspection. I'm all for taking time for yourself but I feel like they're losing touch with reality. New job is secured. Meanwhile I'm trying to get them to start with wedding planning, move planning, etc while still not working because I'm on a biological clock here, pal, but "time is a construct" or whatever. Someone help me gain perspective before I lose my shit. Things need to be done/planned for and I can't do it all.

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Sounds like you need to postpone. It’s more important your SO is healthy mentality and emotionally than you both meet some deadline you two had randomly set.

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^this. Unless you want to have a kid tomorrow, be a little more patient with him. Marriage has nothing to do with the level of affection you have for each other. Getting married won't increase or decrease your love for each other. Your SO went through a tough time and let's face it people, how many of us take the time to be instrospective and know ourselves better? You wanna push him to stop just so you can sign a contract and have a kid? A wedding is ONE day in a lifetime, not to mention that in the current context who knows if you will even be able to go through with it on the initial date you planned. I am sorry but I would prioritize the health and wellbeing of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, over the idea I have of a kid I want to birth. Pushing someone to "get their shit together" sooner so you can go ahead with logistics is... Disappointing, to say the least

likehelpful
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Job losses are tough. Try to be there for your SO, versus ask on wedding colors

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Are you sure you’re marrying the right person? Aren’t you still supposed to be in the honeymoon phase not the seven year itch phase?

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Time is a flat circle

likefunnyhelpful

You should try some magic mushrooms - will help you with introspection and may be then you ll understand what he is saying

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Do yourself a favor. Do not push until this dude has his head on straight.

Marriage and kids are more work than most folks can ever imagine, and then some. It will test you and your relationship in ways you never thought of - physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s the ultimate stress test.

And if you’re the one having the baby, it will be 10x harder without a levelheaded, strong, supportive father figure/partner. There’s a strong possibility that your body and mind will change tremendously after motherhood, and that’s a tough concept for many men to grasp. Before you proceed think: how mentally tough is this person? How will they react to situations where they don’t get what they want and have to sacrifice almost everything for a child? How will they handle 430 am feedings when you’re so beat down and sleep deprived that you can’t get out of bed? How will they handle it if you sink into the worst postpartum depression ever imagined and morph into a totally different and hostile person?

Having kids with someone is not to be taken lightly. There’s so much shit that nobody talks about. They only talk about the good stuff. It’s hard enough with someone who has their shit together. When you do it with someone who doesn’t, it’s a recipe for disaster.

likehelpful

So much yes.

I’d just add, if OP is struggling with a philosophical change in their SO’s perspective now- buckle up because there is a very good likelihood that may happen for both of you after having kids.

What if SO wants to be a primary parent and work less, will you be prepared for that? Or what if OP wants to work less and have their SO be the breadwinner? Are they in a good space to take that on full throttle and can you support that?

In all honesty, my sense is many of us sense it may be the OP who doesn’t “have their shit together” and their partner is recovering from a pretty normal bump in the road that is causing them to reconsider their priorities. Ironically I wonder if it may actually be a moment for introspection for the OP. I strongly agree with your sentiment, but would just add that “toughness” can take many forms including flexibility and the ability to reevaluate priorities in new situations

I would postpone the wedding for now maybe?
Or you could indulge him. He sounds extremely stressed (as we all are in this situation) and he’s dealing with it in an extreme way. But I think if you take interest in it, it might annoy you less. Or instead you could try to refocus him towards job searching instead of philosophy.

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Job loss can be very tough. Especially for men this can really mess with your sense of identity as well as making you feel vulnerable and helpless. On top of this if you’re talking about kids/house/etc these are all more responsibilities and this may be a lot to process.

Just reading this I can also sense the anxiety on your side around the wedding and kids etc and not delaying, but I’ll just say once you have kids you can’t return them and it will dramatically change your life. Maybe it makes sense to agree on a time for delay- (6 mos?) and agree to enjoy just being engaged before jumping back into the planning as more equal partners.

likesmart

When does the new job start? Assuming he’s not diving into dangerous red pill trash, if there’s a definitive end to this phase then riding it out and having a sense of humor about it may help. And may also help you prioritize the things you REALLY need his help on vs the areas where you miss his general engagement and interest/feigned interest (not being snarky here, lbr white lies and feigned interest are a part of relationships)

It may also help to frame this stuff to him in that way — you love him, support the moment he’s in, but certain needs of yours aren’t being met and you miss him showing up for you in literal and emotional ways

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Postpone / let go and be there for him. My hubby went through this as well - job loss, philosophy, back into workforce. Like you I got really frustrated as he was getting into philosophy, eventually i let go of trying to control the situation and just listened to what he was learning. Frankly, I learned a LOT as well, and he is now stronger than ever. He handles all new challenges in a very balanced way.

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My honest and brutal opinion, you may not made for each other. Have you considered your partner’s dreams and future or you’re imposing yours as the couple dreams?

likefunny

You could argue that time itself is like heat or cold. Hear me out: Things are only “hot” because a grouping of particles are moving rapidly together, whereas things are “cold” when the group of particles move more slowly together. Now a single particle can neither be “hot” nor “cold”. You can think about time in this manner. Maybe time exists in our universe only because there are other “particles” that are present (i.e. a collection of conditions that are met). If those conditions were somehow altered, perhaps time as we know it would stop existing all together but I digress..

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A2, same thing that defines temperature at any aggregation: kinetic energy.

Either do as much as you want or don't do it at all. If your fiance needs some time let them have time

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But he says that time is a construct

Chill out. You can’t rush life with a partner. Just keep working on you.

likeuplifting

But time is a construct! So what’s the issue?

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How else were towns to know when the train would arrive?

I'm amazed how most people assumed the SO to be a male, even though OP made quite sure not to divulge that detail.

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lol BCG fitting the stereotype of a consultant going in with minimal information, making the wrong assumptions, and still doubling down on a bad conclusion

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BCG1- I reread a couple times but the “biological clock” comment is what made me assume OP is female/SO male. You’re right this was an assumption and maybe unfair.

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It's fair. It's the most likely scenario since the clocks are pretty different across genders.

The takeaway might be that it's less about correctly guessing gender and more about trying to see things without a gender component. We don't assume had colour too often because we can easily imagine people of different hair colours doing the same thing.

We have been digitally and linguistically conditioned to make gender a central theme to almost everything.

It's up to us to change that if we want to.

likesmart

Curious, how many SOs do you have? Or do you not know that your SO is a he/she/ze?

Yes, Latin, German, Russian and Greek all have gender nouns/pronouns.

English evolved from German, and old English, like German, had masculine, feminine, and neuter. So Europeans are pretty accustomed to gendered nouns/pronouns and changing this seems "foreign" but to me it's not a big deal. Language is habit and habits can be changed and often do.

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