My spouse and I met at a rave 7 years ago. At the time we were dabbling in various recreational drugs (acid, mushrooms, weed, k, molly, alcohol etc), but over the years we've slowly cut back drug use.

I've always been v connected to the rave scene, and before I ever tried drugs I would attend events sober. These days, w my career and where I'm at in life, I'm back to going sober.

2months ago, he decided to white knuckle sobriety (except alcohol 🙄) and has become v judgemental of ravers contd

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this all came to a head when I went to a rave last week w my friends (I was fully sober) and he got really resentful and made comments about how he just can't believe I'm still in to that reckless shit, or that I would want to be around all those people doing drugs. My rave friends are all well over 30 now, we all have careers, and most of us have stopped doing drugs but still love festivals, the music, and each other so we try to meet up and go to events together a few times a year. When I went last week, the craziest thing I ingested was a tall redbull.

I guess I'm posting bc I'm struggling w how to handle his change of attitude. For me, raves were not and are not about the drugs. They are about music, and dancing, and community, and feeling accepted among a strange eclectic group of misfits who've been rejected by mainstream music/social groups etc.

I've managed artists before, I was a promoter for many years, and it's a community that I've been a part of since I was in high school. Yes, drugs are present, but imo people who are smoking weed or on acid are being much less destructive than people who just drink. Frankly I don't enjoy going to alcohol based events, and this community was the first place I ever felt seen or accepted. I'm comfortable being around people taking drugs responsibly (I honestly prefer it over alcohol) and no one in our friends group pressures anyone to partake if we don't want to.

Now that he's trying to be a normie/someone who "just drinks" and is "sober from drugs" he wants nothing to do with all our old friends who we met through raving (people who I consider family). He has stopped attending events w me and gets annoyed when I still want to go. Even though I've also been sober for over a year (I've never really liked drinking and haven't done other drugs since Oct 2021), I feel super judged by him when I spend time w our old friends, and he always makes rude/judgey comments when I return from spending time w them.

He mentioned that he can't be around drugs bc then he just wants to be on them. He says he also isn't able to turn down drugs if they're offered to him. I've seen this recently with drinking, where he gets super drunk bc he can't say no/doesn't know his limit w alcohol. I've gently asked/suggested maybe he try therapy, but he refuses. I feel like me spending time w our rave friends is causing tension in our marriage, and I feel like he thinks he's above our friend group bc he "doesn't do drugs anymore." But they have been my friends longer than I've known him and are like my chosen family. Where do we go from here? I'm just at a loss and needed to write this out. If anyone has any thoughts or anything that would be helpful, but otherwise thanks for reading.

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Sounds very familiar with different music events but the same family & belonging I feel but SO does not like those people.

The main thing I see here, as someone who’s 9 months into sobriety (from alcohol specifically) is when you white knuckle sobriety, you don’t address any of the issues that caused you to drink/drug in the first place. I have gone through 9 of the 12 steps and I have a holistic transformation under way. For example, I don’t drink but I love drunks—because I understand them. I don’t feel pressure to drink at bars because I know I will just drink too much and set the place on fire.

The steps address the resentment, which always points back to “my part.” Resentment comes back at us like a mirror highlighting our own character defects (we all have them, we are perfectly imperfect humans, all of us). So the steps help use the resentment to trace back to unconscious patterns that run in us that cause the resentment in the first place. I’m not saying 12 steps are the only way, I just know without them I would still be afflicted with my own demons, and would be drinking again.

There is a lot here to consider but I’ll leave it at that for now. Hope that helps. I totally get it and am in a relatable situation myself.

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Wow I got goosebumps reading this. I have literally started wondering whether he is going to come with me on this journey of evolution/transformation that I've been on since working on my recovery. Like, I have done SO MUCH work in treatment, therapy, and ABA, especially over the last 5+ years, whereas he feels like he already knows everything about himself and doesn't need any help or to do any mental health work/healing.

The possibility of having to walk away is soul crushing, but it's there and it scares the crap out of me 😭

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Me and my wife both love raves, but we met in AA and are both now sober so we don’t have this problem. But what I can say is that my wife hangs out with her friends (who are either girls or gay) but doesn’t hang out with other dudes. And vice-versa. I don’t have any female friends that I “hang” with. Feel like we are on the same page there. Is that part of your problem? Or is it that he doesn’t want you hanging out at raves at all? If he can’t turn down drugs and hang out at these events then good for him for knowing that to begin with. But the fact that he resents you for just wanting to hear good music is another story. Seems like you guys (as a married couple) need to get on the same page and support each other. This goes both ways.

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I used to pop pills and do all sorts of dry goods in my time. I’m sober now (almost 15 years), but I needed some time initially to withdraw from all that stuff to be able to put myself in a position again to attend those events without feeling the need to get high. Maybe you both agree to “withdraw” for a period of time until you both are strong enough to get back into the swing of things?

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