My spouse and I met at a rave 7 years ago. At the time we were dabbling in various recreational drugs (acid, mushrooms, weed, k, molly, alcohol etc), but over the years we've slowly cut back drug use.

I've always been v connected to the rave scene, and before I ever tried drugs I would attend events sober. These days, w my career and where I'm at in life, I'm back to going sober.

2months ago, he decided to white knuckle sobriety (except alcohol 🙄) and has become v judgemental of ravers contd

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this all came to a head when I went to a rave last week w my friends (I was fully sober) and he got really resentful and made comments about how he just can't believe I'm still in to that reckless shit, or that I would want to be around all those people doing drugs. My rave friends are all well over 30 now, we all have careers, and most of us have stopped doing drugs but still love festivals, the music, and each other so we try to meet up and go to events together a few times a year. When I went last week, the craziest thing I ingested was a tall redbull.

I guess I'm posting bc I'm struggling w how to handle his change of attitude. For me, raves were not and are not about the drugs. They are about music, and dancing, and community, and feeling accepted among a strange eclectic group of misfits who've been rejected by mainstream music/social groups etc.

I've managed artists before, I was a promoter for many years, and it's a community that I've been a part of since I was in high school. Yes, drugs are present, but imo people who are smoking weed or on acid are being much less destructive than people who just drink. Frankly I don't enjoy going to alcohol based events, and this community was the first place I ever felt seen or accepted. I'm comfortable being around people taking drugs responsibly (I honestly prefer it over alcohol) and no one in our friends group pressures anyone to partake if we don't want to.

Now that he's trying to be a normie/someone who "just drinks" and is "sober from drugs" he wants nothing to do with all our old friends who we met through raving (people who I consider family). He has stopped attending events w me and gets annoyed when I still want to go. Even though I've also been sober for over a year (I've never really liked drinking and haven't done other drugs since Oct 2021), I feel super judged by him when I spend time w our old friends, and he always makes rude/judgey comments when I return from spending time w them.

He mentioned that he can't be around drugs bc then he just wants to be on them. He says he also isn't able to turn down drugs if they're offered to him. Ive seen this recently with drinking, where he gets super drunk bc he can't say no/doesn't know his limit w alcohol. I've gently asked/suggested maybe he try therapy, but he refuses. I feel like me spending time w our rave friends is causing tension in our marriage, and I feel like he thinks he's above our friend group bc he "doesn't do drugs anymore." But they have been my friends longer than I've known him and are like my chosen family. Where do we go from here? I'm just at a loss and needed to write this out. If anyone has any thoughts or anything that would be helpful, but otherwise thanks for reading.

Tough situation to be in. You seem to have a good hang on yourself while he's still tempted by drugs.
Can't comment on acid but yes weed is supposed to be "safer" than alcohol. No one gets violent or fatty liver from smoking up.
I guess what you can propose is couples therapy. Asking him to go to therapy would make him feel that he's at fault which would be difficult for him to digest if he's on the moral high horse. So couples therapy may portray it as both of you have something to improve. But this is still going to be a tricky conversation to have so have it when both of you are in a good mood and he's in a receptive state.
Good luck!

I mean I think you've answered your questions. Both of you seem to know he has self-control issues and he's trying to stay sober. He sees you hanging out with your friends as you participating in a lifestyle that doesn't work for him. In calling him a "normie" and describing his binge drinking, you appear to have a similar outlook on his life choices. You've made it clear that you see this group of people as family that you won't give up.

So you have a choice. Either you work with your partner to make life choices that are acceptable to both of you or you leave your partner in favor of your chosen family. Neither decision is wrong for you. You just need to make the choice that works best for you and your future.

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