{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My wife and I are in a bad spot. A close friend of ours recommended individual and couples therapy for us both. Tonight, my wife blew up on me and told me I wasn’t worth going to therapy with and that I’m a horrible father to our kids. Could use a word or two of encouragement right now. Never felt so low.", "post_id": "614032f3f462ca002af6481f", "reply_count": 36, "vote_count": 17, "bowl_id": "5e6fe1c31f5e51001d267e46", "bowl_name": "Coronavirus Work-life" }

My wife and I are in a bad spot. A close friend of ours recommended individual and couples therapy for us both. Tonight, my wife blew up on me and told me I wasn’t worth going to therapy with and that I’m a horrible father to our kids. Could use a word or two of encouragement right now. Never felt so low.

likesmarthelpful
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Be patient, work on what is under your control, validate your way of thinking with individual therapy, be open to acknowledge your partner’s feelings, speak to friends and family about how you feel and your intentions (e.g. isolation created a vicious cycle in my family during the pandemic). Show yourself and your partner that you care and that you are not afraid to ask for help. Model the good behaviour. acknowledge any ‘caring’ step of your partner. Don’t give too much weight to things said while angry. Leave (the room, the apartment) for a few minutes if the discussion is following a vicious cycle, a bad pattern or you feel unable to be respectful or you are not being respectfully addressed. Once you start individual therapy, couple therapy won’t be an option anymore (only one therapy at a time), however you can still do couple counselling. We worked through it. We still are. Get every help you can, you seem to care, your partner also seem to care

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Definitely do individual therapy first or simultaneously. My marriage wouldnt have survived couples counseling if I didnt have a place to process my feelings of pain and betrayal without also worrying about tone and word choice. They are a screamer; I am sarcastic. Neither is conducive to productive conversation when emotional. Also recognize the tinderbox that is covid life. Everyone is at a breaking point. Perhaps offer alternating weekends of child responsibility so that the other can decompress a bit. That may help relearn to blow off steam without blowing up your lives. But ultimately remember that you are worthy of happiness. It is easy to forget that when someone tears you down.

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Everyone deserves the chance to change and be better. It sounds like a lot of resentment bas built up. That's what therapy is for. I'd recommend looking into individual therapy as well. Couple's therapy helps but individual is a game changer. Also, resentment shows that she still cares, so that's good.

likehelpful

Not true. My wife had been holding onto something front over 18 months ago and will not forgive. It is something that is not worth divorcing over but that's what she is going to do. She can't seem to get out of that headspace. So caring isn't like she will forgive

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You are worthwhile and important. God made you and loves you.

likeuplifting

Best of luck. The pandemic has been tough on relationships in general, I feel you. Don't take her words to heart, she probably doesn't mean it

likesmart

All marriages are tough and it’s not always easy navigating through them. What I find helpful in rough patches is thinking about what I like about him instead of focusing on the bad things. Name 3 things you love and admire in her and maybe ask her to do the same about you

likehelpful

I think above all else, you both have to decide if you want to be married and if you are capable of accepting the other persons flaws, which rarely correct themselves. You both married people who are who they are. I have been married 20’years and both my husband and I have gone through periods where we really don’t like each other. But, at the of the day, we want to be married, create a life and home for our children and future grandchildren. And, with that commitment we make it through the bad times.

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Wish my wife thought the same way.

Maybe you’ll stay with your wife, or maybe you won’t, but it will get better. Went through this- ex-wife criticized me in similar ways… therapy didn’t help but the divorce sure did. It’s a tough road, but for me, I was so much happier outside of that marriage. And I felt like a better father, and probably am, without her nagging me about how I’m parenting all the time.

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I'm in the same boat man. Tough road to travel but hopefully better outcome

It’s going to be ok and you will get through this. Therapy sounds like it would be a good route. Her blowing up at you and being so heated is further proof. How old are your kids and how many? If they are young and she’s feeling overwhelmed with the responsibilities, that could be influencing her reaction/behavior.

likehelpful

I am very sorry you are suffering at the moment. While she might not be choosing you, you can choose yourself. Book a therapy session for yourself.

likehelpful

Individual therapy never works because it's just a sounding board /echo chamber for why one spouse is right and the other spouse is wrong. Marriage takes 2, as does any really progress in therapy. Unless you want to drift further apart, don't do individual therapy. Even successful marriages have issues (work stress, kids, finances, etc) but the differentiator is not what they argue about, but HOW they argue (no name calling, respectful, not digging up past stuff, etc). Read the book The Love Languages and both of you do 1 thing daily for the other person. Make sure to acknowledge and thank them when you notice something they do. Be quick to appreciate in public (that includes in the living room in front of the kids) and only give constructive criticism in private when it's just the 2 of you around (babies don't count). Bring more small joys in your life and cut stress. Whether that's cutting back at work and going for a walk together. Or getting a maid so you both can sleep in on weekends or jump on the peloton instead. Can't be happy if your bucket is empty.

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Also understand that you only heard what the therapist said from your mother, who applied her own bias.

What are the sources of her complaints?

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You guys are all coming to his side but you have no idea what he's done to his wife & kids. Strange.

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Encouraging what you can do to make it better isn't picking a side.

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Try to remember that her accusations are coming from a place of anger. None of us are perfect but I’m sure you are a good person who loves your children very much. Hang in there, try not to lash back at her, and maybe go for a workout to release some stress. Sending up a prayer for you!

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Coming from a very overworked wife, mother and employee I’d recommend you listen to this podcast.

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So sorry. Tell us some good things about yourself, and tell yourself some good things about yourself. Clearly you are very concerned, and it sounds like you did not react with anger, both good things. Hope you two can work things out.

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Sorry you are going through this. I am not married but I think nobody deserves to be treated like that. Therapy will definitely help. Even if you only do individual therapy. You’ll learn who you are which is the greatest knowledge you can have because you’ll be able to make good decisions for you and your loved ones. Your wife seems to have some anger management issues but it’s up to her to decide to get therapy or not. You can’t make her go. Good luck with everything!

It sounds like she has been bottling up emotions for a while. Do the two of you sit and talk? Do you help with the kids? Sounds like therapy would be a good start and looking at things from the other one’s perspective.

I would pursue individual therapy first to do your own healing. I wouldn’t talk what she said personally and just try to be the best father you can be for your kids. As a child of divorce, it’s hard to watch your parents fight all the time. We notice everything and it does affect us. I would check in with the kids and try to keep public blow ups in front of them to a minimum.

She wouldnt have married you and had a kid with you if she really felt that way about you, it’s just her anger coming out in a really immature way. All you can do is fighting for your marriage until it’s fixed or you feel like you’re done.

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