My wife and I are trying to have our first baby. She is ovulating this week. We’ve done it twice since she started ovulating this week. Night before last she wanted to and I said I wasn’t up for it. And she said okay. She wanted to again last night and I said I wasn’t up for it. She got really upset and after a long conversation happened, we left it at: “Wife ovulating>whether or not either one of us wants to have sex”. Is this normal?

likefunnyupliftinghelpful
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I mean, if you guys are actively trying to have a baby then yeah it’s normal. You have a very short window every month to make it happen and she is probably trying to maximize the opportunity. If you are not on the same page about having a baby then that’s a larger issue and conversation that needs to take place.

likehelpful

When I was trying for a baby, I never told my husband when I was ovulating. I would just try to make it more spontaneous for him so it would feel less like a chore. He definitely had an idea though because I was magically “horny” once a month for like 5 days in a row 😅

likefunnysmart

This is the way to go!.. lovely

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Op do you want me to come over and bang your wife? Do you a solid

likefunnysmart

D3 what kinda life you live?

Literally, sack up. And unload your sack.
It’s an obligatory f*ck, not a fun one.

likefunny

Attention: I’ve thoughtfully read the comments and I will submit to being an insemination machine whenever called upon. My lack of need (ie not being in the mood) I guess is irrelevant so I’m just gonna throw that to the curb and focus on having a baby. It just feels so clinical and so weird to me to not have it be tied to attraction, like we’re doing this just to procreate.

likefunnyuplifting

It’s not like sex’s main purpose is for procreation, hence all the preventatives that are available to prevent it from happening unwarranted 🫠

like

Do you want to have kids, or are you just doing it because it's expected/"the next step"?

likesmart

OP you're so confusing. You want kids but don't want to do literally what it takes to have a kid?

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What is reason for hesitance? Twice in a row and she’s asking for it and needs it for you to become a dad?! Something doesn’t line up.

likesmart

EY 2 that is not true. It is not limited to 1 to 2 days. That's when chances are highest, but it can happen outside that window for sure.

This is a complicated issue— ovulation only last 2-3 days, which is why she is probably upset. On the other hand, no one should engage in anything they are not feeling comfortable with.
So in essence it seems you have to delay for next month

like

you gotta bust that nut bruh

likefunnyuplifting

Just do your duty and think of king and the flag

funnylikeuplifting

If you are specifically trying to get pregnant, you are engaging in the act of sex for more than its pleasure factor—you are having intercourse for the functional reason of procreation.

“I don’t feel like it” = “it won’t be enjoyable for me right now” and is about the pleasure aspect of sex.

“Wife ovulating” = “small windows of a couple days where getting pregnant is physically feasible” and is about the functional aspect of sex.

So yeah, as long as you and your wife are:
1. having sex for more than shared mutual pleasure,
2. have a genuine intent in get pregnant in the short term,
3. and since the ovulation windows is as small as it is,
then, I find it perfectly normal that “wife ovulating” carries significantly more weight than “I don’t feel like it right now” until you both reach the functional goal of getting pregnant through intercourse.

With all that said, feeling coerced into sex is an awful feeling no person of any gender should experience. So, if you ~genuinely~ don’t want to have sex with your wife (so that you can meet your functional goal of pregnancy during those times), and it feels like you are under pressure to have sex against your will, than you and your wife need to have an honest conversation about how much you really want to get pregnant, and if you should perhaps start considering non-sexual modes of getting pregnant, like artificial insemination.

I think the only real, long-term solution here is communicating honestly and clearly with each other about each of your primary desires, most pressing needs, and various limitations (I.e. libido and the brief ovulation cycle). If having those conversations at home is difficult, I would suggest speaking jointly with a couple counselor who can facilitate a productive conversation and ensure that it stays on a positive, earnest, and constructive track.

Best of luck to you both, sending your family warm wishes!

likehelpfuluplifting

This is normal. Calculating when you’re ovulating, waiting for the right time, testing and getting a negative pregnancy test and knowing you’re going to have to do it all again the next month is EXHAUSTING. She’s carrying a big load of getting pregnant and then she’s going to carry the literal big load of the baby, and everything that comes after birth. I get that you don’t want to and no one can make you—but you are making something hard (and potentially heartbreaking a little at a time) harder.

likefunny

I can see that. Instead of “but” it could be better to say “just know that…” So, if he’s asking if it’s normal, yes and this is why.

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Lots of responses in here that don’t seem to understand consent.

likefunny

Right!?

um bruh. If you don't want a baby you need to tell her now.

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Right?! I am so tired of men not educating themselves about women's health.
Dude, take some responsibility in this process.

like

Consider what your wife might be able to do to help you turn the switch on, have that conversation with her so she knows in the future.

likehelpful

As someone who constantly worries about accidentally causing pregnancy, I cannot relate to this

likefunnysmart

It's funny, we're trained for a decade+ that "pregnancy=BAD!", so then when you're ready to have kids it's easy to still have that mental block

like

Why weren’t you up for it two nights in a row? That’s a question you should explore for yourself. You have a wife who wants to have sex with you and is trying to conceive your child. What’s the hesitation?

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It’s a legitimate question he should be asking himself. Why isn’t he wanting to do it now? I didn’t say he had to do it against his will but he should explore why he doesn’t want to at this time when it’s important. It could be underlying anxiety about getting pregnant, for example.

likefunny

I volunteer as tribute 👀

funnylike

We went full nerd when we were trying to conceive and read a bunch of books and articles before we even started (we made the decision one day but we were timing a business trip, not that we did homework 😂). Basically, what I learned was: getting someone pregnant is not statistically easy.

The ovulation window is pretty narrow, about 36h at peak and 48-60 hours total. Even if you time it perfectly, there are still a number of factors that can diminish your chances (diet, stress, position, PH, etc.) It's normal for average fertile couples to take 4-6 months of trying, and the odds decrease significantly if any of you is "below average". We were lucky and score on the first try, but I know a lot of people who has been trying or tried for a looong time.

Where I'm going is that as a couple, you should decide whether you want to take it easy and "let it happen" or maximize your chances because you don't know how long it will take. If you both choose the latter, you have to be all in, and when she's ovulating, you better be ready. So, my recommendation is talk to your spouse and align on what you both want to do, and whatever you decide, you gotta be all in. You can always recalibrate, but shouldn't be an unilaterally decision. Good luck.

PS: I had a boss who told me, as a joke, "I never thought I would ever complain about being forced to have sex"

PS2: after that comment, they spent at least 3 years trying, and they even had a miscarriage until they finally were able to have a baby.

helpfulsmart

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