{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My wife and I have been married for 12 years and up until recently, I have never had such intrusive thoughts about cheating for leaving my wife. I belive this came up because or sex life over the years has not been the greatest and very one sided. I have a very active sex drive and am now sterile due to vasectomy, so it actually went up sky high,, whereas she has an almost non existent one. Continued............", "post_id": "616ef79a17a24e00336aeabe", "reply_count": 25, "vote_count": 4, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession " }

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and up until recently, I have never had such intrusive thoughts about cheating for leaving my wife. I belive this came up because or sex life over the years has not been the greatest and very one sided. I have a very active sex drive and am now sterile due to vasectomy, so it actually went up sky high,, whereas she has an almost non existent one. Continued............

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at

I know this isn't the place, but your company name goes along well with the issue. But I've had a similar issue.

funnylike

A+ for attention to detail and humour

likefunny

Sex can be hugely important in a relationship, but don’t cheat. Talk to her. Suggest therapy for her body images issues or an open marriage. If you can’t find something that works then you leave because a sexless marriage is really just a friendship.

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Agreed - don’t cheat. It’s always better to leave than to cheat. Both are painful but one is worse.

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..........We have discussed this many times and discovered that she has body issues that drive her sex drive into the ground. I have told her repeatedly that I don't care what she looks like and that I am supportive of her working on it. Here we are 12 years into marriage and it's still an issue and gets brushed off like it's no big deal time and time again. I don't feel like going sexless the rest of my life but I also dont want to leave a person a love deeply because of sex and only sex. We also have 3 kids that I love dearly and don't want to see them suffer because of a selfish reason but am so torn. I never thought sex would cause this much pain.

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Sex therapist

I’ve only been married for 5 years, but the one thing I have learned is my wife wants me to show her how I feel instead of telling her. You can say you don’t care what she look likes, but what do your actions say? Do you only initiate touch when you are looking for sex? My wife loves me just even putting my hand on her back in public, or even as I am passing her in the kitchen. Maybe try this?

likeupliftingsmart

Yeah. OP should definitely figure out his wife's 'love language'.

like

If every city had a red light district then marriage and divorce rates would plummet.

likesmartfunny

Look into Esther Perel and her book Mating in Captivity. Talks about the push and pull between emotional intimacy and eroticism which are fundamentally at odds with each other within a marriage.

like

Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason to split no matter how long you've been together and whether you have kids. It's healthier for them to have divorced parents and not live in a home where there is tension and resentment. You can talk to her about more frequent sex and it'll go one of two ways: she agrees cause she doesn't want to lose you but will resent you for it or she'll decline and you'll resent her.

likefunny

Maybe try couples therapy and she can see how important working on this is for you. It sounds like you have a great thing going aside from sex so it’s worth fighting for.

likeuplifting

Wanting to have sex with your wife isn’t selfish. Hope you guys work it out.

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I know you’ve talked, but does she truly understand just how much it impacts you? My husband did not openly discuss and instead had an affair when our first was less than a year old. In the first year of having a child I had no interest in intimacy at all, but I would have put in more effort had I known how hard it was on him. And yea, I still think what he did was inexcusable. When our feelings are so enormous, it’s hard to imagine how someone so close to us could possibly miss the significance. But sometimes it takes saying more than, “I really need intimacy” and instead explaining just how deeply you feel this and the thoughts that you are having because of it. There will be anger, hurt feelings, and tears, but this is the honest feeling you are grappling with and you are both entitled to those feelings, even if the other person cannot initially relate. And it’s a lot better to have those breakdown moments and rebuild together than to try to mend from an affair or even go through divorce. On her side, she may feel that body issues are the primary reason, but there could be a lot more to it. Between being a mother, working, having aging parents, etc. I have very little time to relax or think about myself and what I want. It wasn’t until I asked for help and drew some boundaries that I was able to just relax a little and get back in touch with all the things that I once enjoyed.

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I approached her about how deeply this affects me and that we should have counseling in a moderated environment in order to get both of our feelings on the table. Its going to be tough, but I can't live with these feelings that seemingly have been switched back on for some reason after retiring them once we got married. throughout these 12 years of marriage, I never once had a fleeting thought about cheating or anything of that nature but I suspect the constant rejection and feeling of not being good enough has caught up. it's been a lack of putting time aside for each other and communicating our thoughts amd feelings. I remember for the 1st 10 years of marriage, she was like talking to a brick wall about anything that affected us. I couldn't get an answer and it would stew until we moved on to something else. throughout all of this, I felt like something was wrong with me because of the rejection until she revealed what she claims is the root cause. she tried to fuck me the other night after we talked and I could not bring myself to do it despite this sex drive. it was an immediate turn off because it felt so desperate and she approached ot completely wrong. like after our talks she still didn't understand MY love language, which is just normal intimacy, not saying "stick it in" "make it quick" and then not participating and laying there like a lifeless body.

I just focused really hard on training myself not to want sex, with my partner or anyone else. We rarely have any kind of physical contact, I don't look when she changes, etc. Not an ideal situation but after a couple years it's the only way I could find to avoid ending things, thinking about cheating, or being angry/resentful all the time.

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Seems like all of the same advice here could apply in your case too. I’m sorry for your situation. But on some level your commitment is admirable and self sacrificing, if not a little bit sad. Everyone has challenges.

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Wait, your wife has body issues, and your reaction is to tell her you don’t care how she looks like?! Please tell me you don’t actually think you are being supportive. Definitely think you can use professional help in learning how to navigate the discussions.

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Tell her she is beautiful. Period. Don’t say “I don’t care” because that implies she doesn’t look good but you are just looking past it. She wants to know you love her for her, all of her.

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