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Hi Fishes, Any reference would be appreciated. Looking for a job change, YOE: 5 years Skills: COBOL, JCL, DB2, IMS DB, File-Aid, CA7.
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Make her fall in love with you again. For example, start taking her in dates, asking her how was her day, bringing home flowers. Just small stuff to start out and have that conversation to see if she wants to try again.
Does this work well if gender is flipped? Make your ex bf or husband fell in love with you again.
You maybe hurting her more staying together. There is nothing wrong with ending a marriage you both will be happier. People change over time and relationships can run there course.
I was in a similar place once. Going out on dates is a good idea *if* you both enjoy the time together. Definitely go to couple’s counseling. It’ll be worth it.
And, take care of yourself too. Do things you enjoy, sleep enough, eat right, don’t drink too much, etc. these situations can be super stressful, and it’s easy to not notice the toll they take.
Hey OP — You might find, as I did, that the end of a relationship can be a very good thing.
But, put in the work first to resolve things if possible. And, make sure to take care of yourself throughout it all. But do it for you. Not for the relationship.
It takes effort to make a marriage work! There can be periods of high and low sexual activity- that’s not the be-all and end-all of your relationship.
The problem is people expect the type of love/sexual attraction that brought them together to last forever. In reality, it transforms to a different type of love over time. When that initial expectation is trashed, you think it’s over and sub-consciously work to end it. Over 50% of people in the western world do, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right solution.
Ref studies, what holds people together is ‘intent’. You are determined to live and grow together, have children etc. (primitive and basic life goals of human beings), then it lasts.
Ending will give you both some instant gratification, which is conceptually not much different from binge-eating when depressed.
1. Maybe time out is not a bad thing - you may learn to appreciate the good of each other.
2. Try reading the book ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus’ (both of you).
3. Think about what brought you together, the parts you enjoy together etc.
4. Keep an open mind to altering your perspective - introspect, meditate without bias (both of you).
Marriage is companionship in many ways. There is no such thing as a perfect partner!
Marriage therapy?
Tried and discontinued, didn’t seem to be making any progress there, sadly.
Dan Savage. Go listen, then leave.
What is that?
Like the response above from M2. It’s about intent to stay together and identify the underlying issues if there are any. Listening and reading the content from Esther Perel has helped me in my case but my situation was different
What should I do? We both are stuck and actually hate our lives
I am in the same boat. I love my husband but there is no intimacy or substance in our marriage . I feel like he’d be a good friend but not an ultimate life partner. I don’t want to hurt him in anyway but I hurt everyday living like this
Take it easy on yourself. Try talking with a therapist on your own. Hope you’re doing ok
Listen no sex in 3yrs!!! Big red flag! Cut your losses fast and begin the healing process. Trust me you owe it to yourself and your wife to be happy. I’ve been there before wasted 8yrs of my life. Me and fiancé ended things 4yrs ago and haven’t spoken ever since.
How was the end of the relationship? Any tips? I feel like I’ll be in your shoes a few years from now...
How do you deal with no sex for 3y? Do you crave it with her? Do you crave that from others or other channels?
I did, but not anymore. Feeling interested in other channels, but not until we end our relationship, I couldn’t ever do that. Probably a bad sign though...
Every relationship is different so only you know the dynamics of your situation. Therapy is an option but it also requires the desire and commitment to fix the issues in your relationship. If you’re done and don’t see any way to salvage things, I don’t know that I would spend the time and money going to therapy if your heart and head aren’t in it. There’s no shame in ending the marriage. You both deserve to be happy and maybe you are better off as friends.
I ended an 8 year relationship (we were engaged for 4 of those years) a few months ago and am still on good terms with my ex. At the end of the day, he was a good person and I loved him but he wasn’t the right person for me.
I hope you find a way to deal with things in a positive way that allows you to remain friends.
Ya was in the same position as you except SO was the one who decided this should end as he felt he couldn't be himself. Adding to the complexity is that it was an LDR.
How did you recognise that it's time for you to leave and how did you gather the courage? How did your SO take it?
I knew i wasn't happy but I wanted to hold on to it. Im trying to remain as good friends now but it's still difficult without getting my hopes back up
OP I’m finalizing my divorce with my husband in January and I went through alt of the same things you’re describing. I couldn’t stand being stuck and unhappy anymore so I initiated the divorce. It broke my husbands heart but I know he’s a much better partner for someone else. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk morw
Please feel free!
What have you already tried? What is stopping her from asking for a divorce?
Everything including marriage therapy. Considering a “trial separation” now, but I think it’s a waste of time at this point. We still enjoy each others company and love aspects of each other, but neither of us think that constitutes a good marriage.
Do you have kids OP?
None, thank god. And I think that is pushing us to evaluate now before things get too far down the road.