{ "media_type": "text", "post_content": "My wife and I just had our first child and as she was waiting to be vaccinated (we went for her first shot on the way home from the hospital), we told both sets of parents to wait 3 weeks before flying to come see us. Understand that’s upsetting but her parents couldn’t handle it to the point that they stopped talking to her for three weeks half way through the pregnancy and then after saying they understood, flew to her sisters place (2 hrs from us) without telling us then called after..cont’d", "post_id": "610731320d49c60022bf5ca3", "reply_count": 35, "vote_count": 2, "bowl_id": "5e8656b80bdab1002a7355dc", "bowl_name": "Confession " }

My wife and I just had our first child and as she was waiting to be vaccinated (we went for her first shot on the way home from the hospital), we told both sets of parents to wait 3 weeks before flying to come see us. Understand that’s upsetting but her parents couldn’t handle it to the point that they stopped talking to her for three weeks half way through the pregnancy and then after saying they understood, flew to her sisters place (2 hrs from us) without telling us then called after..cont’d

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Sorry you're goung through this. That's call conditional love. If they dont get their needs they withhold love. That's not what children (including adult) and grandchildren need. That's how they were raised and taught. That's all they know but theyre still accountable. What you can do is protect your wife, and your child and show and teach your child unconditional love and break this chain of toxic behavior.

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This is just the beginning of many boundaries they will try to cross. Stand firm for yourself and your family. There are a lot of cultures that allow this but this generation is more aware of the toxicity this is amd can break the chain.

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Setting boundaries early is the best approach, imo. The first year or two of my son were packed with conflict with my mother. She was so used to me just doing whatever she said to avoid conflict, and then once my son was born I cared enough that I just clearly drew boundaries. But she wasn't used to that and there was a lot of pushing back. Fortunately we don't live very close (as seems to be your case) so eventually issues kind of concentrated to when they were visiting or about to visit. I don't know your wife's family, but for me things did get better. My mother kept pushing and I just kept the boundaries my husband and I had jointly decided for our family. It was not easy, but eventually she realized that I was not budging and she truly does love my son and wanted to remain close to be part of his life. It was worth every second of suffering. But it is not easy and I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you a lot of strength, know that you are understood, and just stay firm on your decisions. A lot of the weight will need to be carried by her though, as it's her family.

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Thanks so much for the thoughtful response. That’s the tough part, I need to play the support role without being the a hole badmouthing her family. Trying to take the approach of saying (the truth) that I care about her and don’t appreciate the way they are treating her, rather than saying anything about them specifically. Thanks again.

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Dude. Head over to the subreddit JUSTNOMIL. You've got one. This is unreal. They are trying to punish your wife, who just gave birth, for what? Waiting three weeks? Normal people don't do this. It's about control.

likesmart

Thanks. They are incredibly controlling and I don’t talk to anyone but her about it so it sucks. We have a couple friends who when we meet up express the same disbelief but it’s not often and I just needed an outlet. She agrees but has been bullied for so long is understandably afraid to speak up.

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….the baby was born and first thing they said over the phone was: can we come by for 2 mins with masks on? Mind you we had no clue they were at her sisters. When they were told by her not to and that we are sticking to the 3 weeks so the baby and mom are both vaccinated/have antibodies, they fought with her, refused to FaceTime and said they no longer want to come. On top of it they called my mom and told her I said they can’t come. In any case other behaviors in the last 5 years we’ve been married have indicated that they cannot handle that they have no control over their grown daughters and they have passive aggressively attempted to cause fights between myself and my wife. If I don’t talk to them they never reach out and then complain that I haven’t reached out. There are several more stories like that. Struggling to deal with the anger I feel about how they treat me and my wife and complete disregard for the fact that we just had our first child and the happiness that we should feel. Note: this post is not intended to be about covid or the vaccine but rather about respecting boundaries. Also, fwiw I am Indian born and raised in the US.

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After reading a few sentences I was going to ask you if you were of Indian origin.

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You may want to consider prolonging the waiting period before they can visit. My gf’s cousin just had a boy and we don’t even think about holding him until his 2-month immunizations. This is the mindset of a family of physicians. Your newborn is priority, not your in-laws feelings.

likesmart

As for any comments about remote possibility of illness for the baby - we understand those risks as well and still indicated three weeks as we are most concerned about COVID; no one knows the long term effects it can have on people, let alone a baby. I have zero issues with protecting my child whether others disagree with my stance or not. Like I said, regardless of the subject, it’s about respecting our decision and they are clearly not doing that.

I guessed it, it has to be desi (Indian descent) parents 🤦‍♂️ Being an desi couple I understand the mind games. They want to continue life as if covid can’t affect them or they can’t cause it to others. Stay strong, this shall pass. Don’t compromise, it will get worse if they know they can manipulate you all.

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I appreciate the suggestions but we have tried doing both of those (explaining our side and me having a heart to heart - when they stopped talking to her) and they will not listen. They go as far as to say I said things I didn’t so the heart to heart was on speaker phone with her silently listening just in case they accuse me of saying something later. Not trying to make it impossible to solve but they just do not want to get it. They take anything that pushes them away even slightly as very very hard. For some background they don’t even like us not spending every waking second with them when we visit. We once tried to get away for an hour to go to the mall and they were in a sour mood about it for hours after and laid into my wife once we got back home from visiting them.

OP, I’m with you. My parents turned into psychopaths when my first born daughter was born. Like my mom is now insane to the point I want nothing to do with her. It sucks but you have to be strong in your boundaries, which sounds like you are.

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Ugh that sounds awful. Appreciate the reply.

Maybe you two need to chill

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Yikes, sorry. Stay strong, they are acting like toddlers

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Thank you!

Excuse my ignorance in asking this…is the man considered the absolute head of the family in Indian culture? What stops you from laying down the law for your home? In my culture the husband can dictate the rules even if they are unreasonable. So when my parents or in-laws become controlling or overbearing, we just say that I am putting my foot down and they need to either deal with it or walk away indefinitely. It’s mostly a bluff but it seems to resonate with the older generation since they are more accepting of a filial daughter and intolerant son-in-law.

That’s a great point. I have been tempted to do that but they pull the “disrespectful” card. The answer is complex and I have the attitude of not giving a shit but also don’t want my wife to feel like I’m disrespecting her parents (I honestly have no issue doing so based on their behavior). My main goal is keeping my family intact and free of conflict so I suppose that’s what keeps me from putting my foot down overtly. I have told my wife that in no circumstance am I bending on any issue involving the safety of our new baby.

Trust me, you’re not the only one who would love to set things straight with their in-laws. But we’re stuck with the good and bad that comes along as part of the package. Best we can do is navigate the long game knowing full well that they want to be involved in their grandchildren’s lives, and you want your kids to have some relationship with their grandparents. Good luck!

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