My work friends make fun of me being scared of men. But in reality I have PTSD from being raped and sexually assaulted/harrassed. I can't tell them that but I also hate for people to joke about (cont)

like
Posting as :
works at
You are currently posting as works at

You don’t.
It’s going to be painful but you need to talk about this with people. It doesn’t make you any less of a person, it will make you more. You don’t deserved to be shamed by this any longer. The situation does not define you, you define you.

likeuplifting

Thank you :)

like

Why are you constantly bringing up only half the story with them? It sounds like you are talking about guys making you uncomfortable but then not explaining the context of why. Without the context, they don’t understand the situation and just think you are being weird. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing the context, then stop bringing up the other stuff. It’s it fair to them and it makes you seem socially awkward.

like

To RSM1’s point people just don’t think about the things they say, and don’t really understand the effect it can have on a person. 2 examples - my husband and I went through IVF to have children and it took about 4 years. I didn’t advertise our issues as it was very personal and you can’t help but feel inadequate.... people were constantly asking us when we were having kids, or what were we waiting for cause you’re not getting any younger.... just oblivious to how hurtful that could be given our situation. Another example - when my father passed away, and people asked things like oh how did he die? Or since he was in his 70’s saying - oh well he lived a long life. Like it was ok he died because you thought he was old.... Here is a lesson for everyone - when someone dies the only things you should say are - 1. I am sorry for your loss 2. I love you 3. If there is anything I can do to help you please tell me. That is it! Ok rant over.....

like

I don't necessarily confide in them specifically about these things, if that's what you mean. But they do come out in conversations/situations. For example, I sometimes take a different route to avoid a valet guy in front of the building who always make me feel uncomfortable. I may talk about seeing something on my "alternate route" and coworkers would be like, wait why are you taking that route? It's so much further.. blah blah. And I would then say that the guy makes me feel uncomfortable and that's why.
I do talk to a therapist.
I'm not blaming my coworkers as they have no bad intentions in making these jokes. I'm saying that they are very hurtful. It's almost like someone making gay jokes in front of a gay guy who hasn't came out yet, if that makes sense.

like

Thanks for the additional explanation, OP. That makes more sense to me now. If you say a particular guy makes you uncomfortable and they make jokes about that’s not cool of them at all. You don’t need to explain it to them at all. I am not good at snappy comebacks so don’t have any advice for you other than maybe just try not to engage with these people too much because they sound like jerks.

like

Op I am very sorry this happened to you. You don’t need to tell anyone why you are uncomfortable. You do whatever you need to take care of yourself. My advice would be to try and be more conscious of what you share as to not provide information that will lead them down the path of trying to question you or make you feel uncomfortable. Knowing that will not always be the case, when they do say something and you start to feel uncomfortable make an excuse to leave the room (meeting, call, something you forgot, bathroom....) and just let the subject float away.... You might want to work with your therapist on some strategies for this and for some skills to learn to let it bounce off of you. In certain situations putting up walls to protect yourself is a good thing, and if these people are only ever going to be “co-workers” then having that boundary is good. It’s not their fault they don’t understand, but that can’t be your concern. I hope it gets better.

like

SA: I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are fully justified in your feelings. And honestly regardless of the context if your coworkers comments make you feel uncomfortable or they should stop. Is there someone you feel close to in the group that you can pull aside and tell them to try and keep these jokes to a minimum or steer the conversation a different direction if it comes up? I don’t think you have to tell them your backstory, they should respect your boundaries regardless

like

OP: I’m sorry, I haven’t been in your situation so I don’t know what to do. Sounds like you’re not the one loudly proclaiming in every conversation, “btw that guy’s behavior makes me uncomfortable” and things just come up. If that’s the case, you need to be brave and just let your coworkers know when they say something that makes you feel uncomfortable that it makes you uncomfortable. If they really don’t mean to be rude about it, they will stop making fun of you. If they don’t stop, then it doesn’t sound like they’re very supportive people and I would consider finding a new job.

Having someone make comments at you that makes you uncomfortable is harassment. It’s not ok that people tell you to “just” take it as a compliment when a guy makes comments as you walk by.

helpful

OP, very sorry about this. Agree with above, there’s no need to share this (especially to co-workers)! If you don’t feel comfortable in certain situations and share with them, it does NOT give them the right to dismiss your feelings even if they don’t know the background. You need to be assertive and let them know you do not appreciate such disrespect. If they continue, remember that they are not friends but just co-workers. No need to value their opinion on things unrelated to work. Just keep your distance. I hope with time, you will heal. Glad you are seeing your therapist. Best of luck to you.

like

Something so sensitive and hurtful. They absolutely don't intend to be mean and are only joking. But this is so sensitive to me I literally cannot take the joke.

"Geesh all the men are NOT looking at you, N." -- When I talked about a group of young men pointing at me.
"Just take it as a compliment!" -- When I told them about the guy who said "Damn, girl!" On my walk back home.

And there are many more seemingly funny jokes on various different occasions. It's kind of a running joke now and it comes up all the time when random things get brought up. How do I get them to stop without telling them why I act the way I do?

So sorry you went through that. It’s really horrible and I wish I could give you a hug.

As for what to do, it really depends on how firm you want to be. I understand not wanting to talk about it, and I wouldn’t want to either. That’s not something you need to share until you are ready. But, if it were me, I’d respond with something like “thanks for the advice but not all “compliments” are “jokes”. This way you are not going into detail but you are stating a truth.

Related Posts

United GPU Gurus - What is the best and cheapest way to ensure GPU? I have read that some fare classes (pretty much any economy fare) do not qualify and the ones that do (premium economy) are pricey.

I would request a Partner to please elaborate on the process of becoming a Partner at PwC/ Big4. Also, how much capital contribution is required? Do they share profits? On what basis. Etc.

like

Just got an offer From Guidehouse for their state and local governments practice, located in the Midwest. 76k consultant level. Thoughts?

like

My 2 year old can’t handle the heat! Our walks are so short now and he’s even more of a sleepy head now

like

After how many years we shud join tcs??

like

Sorry to rant but I got my makeup done by Sephora in store (they have a service that does that), and it was awful!! The lady who did it did a terrible job. What's worse is we were planning to have pictures taken and then had an event. And now when I look I pics, the photographer did super well, but I feel so sad looking at the pics 😞

likefunny

How's the work life balance in PwC SDC in SAP domain? I have worked in Deloitte USI earlier so trying to compare against that.

like

Still have not found an ideal solution to manage multiple projects (tasks) and teams in ppt. Gaant chats, inserting excel....do you have an idea?

like

How did you get diagnosed? For example, did you go to a doc specifically about this or did it come out of a therapy session etc.? I ha feel like I may have something but other signs indicate otherwise.

like

Dorian is making landfall soon and all I can actually think about is - huh, will there be a hurricane relief credit for this year bc of it? 🤦🏻‍♀️ what is wrong with me

likefunnyhelpful

How does EY’s blockchain team monetize their Baseline Protocol or associated services?

like

Beginning to look at making the switch to internal recruiting. Was at an agency for 2 years and now RPO consulting firm for over a year, all tech recruiting. If anyone is looking to hire hit me up and we can connect!

like

I have a tough time disconnecting from work, especially this time of year. How do you turn off the stress?

like

Any insights into the Canada renewable energy market? Seeking to make a transition from US & Latam markets

like

Can someone recommend a good Used Rolex dealer that offers 0% financing? Thanks!

likefunny

Have you switched jobs and realize the new company sucks? What do you do? Do you try to get a new job right away or you try to stay until you are over it?

like

Since recent events, do you think PSAs are still worth the time & energy?

like

Hi Capgemini folks, anyone here who left the company in the first year and returned the joining bonus amount?

I wanted to ask whether they will ask to transfer the JB amount or just deduct it from FnF, assuming the FnF amount (last month salary + leave encashment) is > JB

Additional Posts in Women in Accounting

Why is putting on your 2 weeks notice so nerve racking? But better opportunities are ahead and the start of my own bookkeeping firm!

like

Does anyone know of a good massage place in the DMV area? I live in McLean but am open to light travel if the place is that good. Any help is appreciated :)

like

Unrelated but - does anyone have suggestions on wedding shoes? Outdoors so I don’t want to wear any kind of heels/wedges and I’m not big into sandals

like

Is the 3x income rule really realistic for buying a house? I live in an area where anything outside of mobile homes are at least 450k and I make 122k. What about 4x or 5x income? Have you seen that work?

likehelpful

I am wearing an underwire bra for the first time in a year and I don't know how I used to do it 😩 I might switch to bralettes under business clothes

likefunny

Anyone brought closing from cider? Yay or Nay?

like

CPA and accounting manager in financial services. I’m thinking of taking on the finance extension at UCLA. Does this make sense for my situation? I’m looking to make CFO someday of an investment company.

like

Good work sandals / shoe brand? Under 200 please

like

Ladies I need suggestions for GOOD snow boots. Something waterproof and that keep my feet WARM!! I have really cold feet all the time :( i cant find any good ones in stock!!! Plz help :)

like

Totally am unprofessional topic but I really need help.. anxiety causes me to eat nails.. I never realize when it’s too late.. any suggestions

like

Is dying your hair an unnatural color still unacceptable? To me it expresses individuality and personality

like

Seeking advice on what to do career wise.

I’m still in my first year at Deloitte as a campus-hire. Feeling like this position isn’t for me, not fully enjoying what I’m doing, don’t feel like my coworkers value my work/me (I only work with men), and feeling like I am not getting adequate opportunities to grow my knowledge/experience in the work I do and also cross-department opportunities.

Should I wait it out and see? How do I get connected to try different things at the company?

like

Anybody on here have a problem with a partner in that he seems to be a bit obsessed with you? I work at a smaller firm so there's no HR, but the guy keeps on hitting on me and telling me I'm (cont)

Bra suggestion for uneven breast?

like

Anyone have any recommendations for sports bras for larger breasts, but smaller band size? Finally tipped over the edge in band size and need to replace my current one 😂

like

In my early 30s, single and realizing i barely have friends. Technically i have a bunch of friends all over the country (thanks to me moving around quite a bit) but not where I live so i don't see them as often. I shed a few so called friends post-pandemic who were flakey, some got married and spend most of their time with their families. I have like 2 people to invite for my birthday. Is that natural for 30s to have little friends or do i need to re-evaluate my life?

like

Ladies, can I have some recommendation on standing desk? I really appreciate it 😊

like

I’m thinking of leaving audit after my second busy season. My main interest in accounting has always been forensics /fraud . Also thinking of going the CFE route instead of CPA. What position should I apply to or transfer into ? Also do I look for a senior position or just an associate. Please any input will be helpful . Thanks in advance

like

Any recommendation on work outfits if you are going into office this Fall?

likesmart

New to Fishbowl?

Download the Fishbowl app to
unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.
That was just a preview…
Sign Up to see all discussions
  • Discover what it’s like to work at companies from real professionals
  • Get candid advice from people in your field in a safe space
  • Chat and network with other professionals in your field
Sign up in seconds to unlock all discussions on Fishbowl.

Already a user?
Login here

Share

Embed this post

Copy and paste embed code on your site

Preview

Download the
Fishbowl app

See what’s happening in your industry
from the palm of your hand.

A phone with Fishbowl app

Send download link to your phone

OR

Scan your QR code to download
Fishbowl app on your mobile

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.

Messaging rates may apply

Download app

Sign up for free to view this conversation on Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use and Privacy Policy

Already have an account? Log in

Sign up for free to continue using Fishbowl

By continuing you agree to Terms of Use(New) and Privacy Policy(New)
Messaging rates may apply

Already have an account? Log in

For account settings, visit Fishbowl on Desktop Browser or

General

Legal