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You don’t.
It’s going to be painful but you need to talk about this with people. It doesn’t make you any less of a person, it will make you more. You don’t deserved to be shamed by this any longer. The situation does not define you, you define you.
Thank you :)
Why are you constantly bringing up only half the story with them? It sounds like you are talking about guys making you uncomfortable but then not explaining the context of why. Without the context, they don’t understand the situation and just think you are being weird. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing the context, then stop bringing up the other stuff. It’s it fair to them and it makes you seem socially awkward.
To RSM1’s point people just don’t think about the things they say, and don’t really understand the effect it can have on a person. 2 examples - my husband and I went through IVF to have children and it took about 4 years. I didn’t advertise our issues as it was very personal and you can’t help but feel inadequate.... people were constantly asking us when we were having kids, or what were we waiting for cause you’re not getting any younger.... just oblivious to how hurtful that could be given our situation. Another example - when my father passed away, and people asked things like oh how did he die? Or since he was in his 70’s saying - oh well he lived a long life. Like it was ok he died because you thought he was old.... Here is a lesson for everyone - when someone dies the only things you should say are - 1. I am sorry for your loss 2. I love you 3. If there is anything I can do to help you please tell me. That is it! Ok rant over.....
I don't necessarily confide in them specifically about these things, if that's what you mean. But they do come out in conversations/situations. For example, I sometimes take a different route to avoid a valet guy in front of the building who always make me feel uncomfortable. I may talk about seeing something on my "alternate route" and coworkers would be like, wait why are you taking that route? It's so much further.. blah blah. And I would then say that the guy makes me feel uncomfortable and that's why.
I do talk to a therapist.
I'm not blaming my coworkers as they have no bad intentions in making these jokes. I'm saying that they are very hurtful. It's almost like someone making gay jokes in front of a gay guy who hasn't came out yet, if that makes sense.
Thanks for the additional explanation, OP. That makes more sense to me now. If you say a particular guy makes you uncomfortable and they make jokes about that’s not cool of them at all. You don’t need to explain it to them at all. I am not good at snappy comebacks so don’t have any advice for you other than maybe just try not to engage with these people too much because they sound like jerks.
Op I am very sorry this happened to you. You don’t need to tell anyone why you are uncomfortable. You do whatever you need to take care of yourself. My advice would be to try and be more conscious of what you share as to not provide information that will lead them down the path of trying to question you or make you feel uncomfortable. Knowing that will not always be the case, when they do say something and you start to feel uncomfortable make an excuse to leave the room (meeting, call, something you forgot, bathroom....) and just let the subject float away.... You might want to work with your therapist on some strategies for this and for some skills to learn to let it bounce off of you. In certain situations putting up walls to protect yourself is a good thing, and if these people are only ever going to be “co-workers” then having that boundary is good. It’s not their fault they don’t understand, but that can’t be your concern. I hope it gets better.
SA: I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are fully justified in your feelings. And honestly regardless of the context if your coworkers comments make you feel uncomfortable or they should stop. Is there someone you feel close to in the group that you can pull aside and tell them to try and keep these jokes to a minimum or steer the conversation a different direction if it comes up? I don’t think you have to tell them your backstory, they should respect your boundaries regardless
OP: I’m sorry, I haven’t been in your situation so I don’t know what to do. Sounds like you’re not the one loudly proclaiming in every conversation, “btw that guy’s behavior makes me uncomfortable” and things just come up. If that’s the case, you need to be brave and just let your coworkers know when they say something that makes you feel uncomfortable that it makes you uncomfortable. If they really don’t mean to be rude about it, they will stop making fun of you. If they don’t stop, then it doesn’t sound like they’re very supportive people and I would consider finding a new job.
Having someone make comments at you that makes you uncomfortable is harassment. It’s not ok that people tell you to “just” take it as a compliment when a guy makes comments as you walk by.
OP, very sorry about this. Agree with above, there’s no need to share this (especially to co-workers)! If you don’t feel comfortable in certain situations and share with them, it does NOT give them the right to dismiss your feelings even if they don’t know the background. You need to be assertive and let them know you do not appreciate such disrespect. If they continue, remember that they are not friends but just co-workers. No need to value their opinion on things unrelated to work. Just keep your distance. I hope with time, you will heal. Glad you are seeing your therapist. Best of luck to you.
Something so sensitive and hurtful. They absolutely don't intend to be mean and are only joking. But this is so sensitive to me I literally cannot take the joke.
"Geesh all the men are NOT looking at you, N." -- When I talked about a group of young men pointing at me.
"Just take it as a compliment!" -- When I told them about the guy who said "Damn, girl!" On my walk back home.
And there are many more seemingly funny jokes on various different occasions. It's kind of a running joke now and it comes up all the time when random things get brought up. How do I get them to stop without telling them why I act the way I do?
So sorry you went through that. It’s really horrible and I wish I could give you a hug.
As for what to do, it really depends on how firm you want to be. I understand not wanting to talk about it, and I wouldn’t want to either. That’s not something you need to share until you are ready. But, if it were me, I’d respond with something like “thanks for the advice but not all “compliments” are “jokes”. This way you are not going into detail but you are stating a truth.